How to get parents on board with alternate Thanksgiving plans

[Anonymous]

You don’t ask them—you tell them this year we’re going to Cousins house. Period. They can join or not join.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to convince them. Your obligation is to include them in whatever you decide to do. They can choose to attend or not. You don’t need to keep hosting an event you don’t even enjoy or like.

I agree with this. I’d say we’re going to cousin X at y time. If they dish are, ok, but my kids, H, and I are still going. My guess is you speak as though plans are open for negotiation. They are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to convince them. Your obligation is to include them in whatever you decide to do. They can choose to attend or not. You don’t need to keep hosting an event you don’t even enjoy or like.

You sound like someone I'd hate to have in my family. I bet you are single.

I agree with this poster and I’m married with kids. You sound pretty awful yourself - why should OP stick with plans she doesn’t enjoy when fun ones (which include her parents) are available?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t need to convince them. Your obligation is to include them in whatever you decide to do. They can choose to attend or not. You don’t need to keep hosting an event you don’t even enjoy or like.

Actually, that's not true. OP, you need to free yourself. What does your nuclear family want to do? DO THAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We always spend Thanksgiving with my parents. I have a very small family, I’m and only child and so are both of my parents. Prior to COVID we always used to go to my mom’s best friend’s house which was always really fun for my kids because they have two grandkids roughly the same age as my kids and they all played together nicely. After Covid that tradition ended and we have been hosting my parents ever since. The problem is that I don’t find Thanksgiving for 6 people to be particularly fun or joyful and really wish we could do something else for my kids’ sake. It’s a ton of prep, cooking and clean up for a meal that is over in under 30 mins. Plus my kids don’t even eat most Thanksgiving food. My dad typically spends the dinner complaining about politics and it’s fairly somber.

We have other options - I suggested going to a restaurant instead of cooking, or we have a cousin who lives within driving distance who invited us. My parent said no to a restaurant because they want a more traditional Thanksgiving, and also said no to the cousins because there will be 40 people there and it will be a big loud and chaotic. DH’s family has also always invited us but we would all need to fly so I understand why they don’t want to do that.

DH and I really want to do something else but we won’t ditch them since they have no one else to spend the holiday with. How can we convince them to give something else a try?

Ditch them? If the fun cousin house is 20 minutes or so away - convenient - and starts between 4-5 pm I'd invite the complaining parents over for a simple 1 hour T Day theme lunch. Whatever your nuclear family likes. The kids likely have lunch anyway.

Parents and OP were only children so I guess the cousin's 40 person T day is on OP DH side. What's driving distance to locations and age of kids? It's not fun to end up with a 45 minute plus drive at 9pm. We've done that as no kids, with kids, empty nesters.

[Anonymous]

This is soooo amusing to me.

Do you all only go to one dinner with other people in the whole year?

We are invited to and host so many dinners, parties, events etc that we can happily accommodate several TG celebrations for the whole week - ILs, parents, siblings, friends, neighbors etc... Store bought, home made, different cuisines, no Turkey, Must have Turkey etc, etc, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is soooo amusing to me.

Do you all only go to one dinner with other people in the whole year?

We are invited to and host so many dinners, parties, events etc that we can happily accommodate several TG celebrations for the whole week - ILs, parents, siblings, friends, neighbors etc... Store bought, home made, different cuisines, no Turkey, Must have Turkey etc, etc, etc.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We always spend Thanksgiving with my parents. I have a very small family, I’m and only child and so are both of my parents. Prior to COVID we always used to go to my mom’s best friend’s house which was always really fun for my kids because they have two grandkids roughly the same age as my kids and they all played together nicely. After Covid that tradition ended and we have been hosting my parents ever since. The problem is that I don’t find Thanksgiving for 6 people to be particularly fun or joyful and really wish we could do something else for my kids’ sake. It’s a ton of prep, cooking and clean up for a meal that is over in under 30 mins. Plus my kids don’t even eat most Thanksgiving food. My dad typically spends the dinner complaining about politics and it’s fairly somber.

We have other options - I suggested going to a restaurant instead of cooking, or we have a cousin who lives within driving distance who invited us. My parent said no to a restaurant because they want a more traditional Thanksgiving, and also said no to the cousins because there will be 40 people there and it will be a big loud and chaotic. DH’s family has also always invited us but we would all need to fly so I understand why they don’t want to do that.

DH and I really want to do something else but we won’t ditch them since they have no one else to spend the holiday with. How can we convince them to give something else a try?

Can you do a traditional meal early with your parents and then go to the counsins house? What time do they serve dinner?
Or reverse it and do dinner with the cousins and have your parents do dessert?
The cousins thing sounds really fun. Its good for the kids. Adults usually want everything so particular, and the kids have to go along with it whereas when there are a few or more kids they get to go and be kids and the adults can congregate.

[Anonymous]

Tell parents that this year it's the cousins. You can take them and take them home.

[Anonymous]

The cousins are family. Take everyone to the cousins house and have Thanksgiving there.

Tell your parents you received a kind invitation from the cousins and you are going there this year.

[Anonymous]

Do not do the restaurant. It is a terrible day to eat out. They are understaffed and food is not good.

Your parents can be around more people at the cousins (I say this as a 65 year old.)

Older people get grumpy and set in their ways. Once they get out they do okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t ask them—you tell them this year we’re going to Cousins house. Period. They can join or not join.

This is the answer. You say "We are doing this." You don't get them on board. They can come or not come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is soooo amusing to me.

Do you all only go to one dinner with other people in the whole year?

We are invited to and host so many dinners, parties, events etc that we can happily accommodate several TG celebrations for the whole week - ILs, parents, siblings, friends, neighbors etc... Store bought, home made, different cuisines, no Turkey, Must have Turkey etc, etc, etc.

Yep... divorced parents, so regularly went to three Thanksgiving dinners each year (on the actual day).

Noon at maternal grandparents'
Three at paternal aunt's
Seven at stepmom's house (with her family)