How to get parents on board with alternate Thanksgiving plans
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Anonymous
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We always spend Thanksgiving with my parents. I have a very small family, I’m and only child and so are both of my parents. Prior to COVID we always used to go to my mom’s best friend’s house which was always really fun for my kids because they have two grandkids roughly the same age as my kids and they all played together nicely. After Covid that tradition ended and we have been hosting my parents ever since. The problem is that I don’t find Thanksgiving for 6 people to be particularly fun or joyful and really wish we could do something else for my kids’ sake. It’s a ton of prep, cooking and clean up for a meal that is over in under 30 mins. Plus my kids don’t even eat most Thanksgiving food. My dad typically spends the dinner complaining about politics and it’s fairly somber.
We have other options - I suggested going to a restaurant instead of cooking, or we have a cousin who lives within driving distance who invited us. My parent said no to a restaurant because they want a more traditional Thanksgiving, and also said no to the cousins because there will be 40 people there and it will be a big loud and chaotic. DH’s family has also always invited us but we would all need to fly so I understand why they don’t want to do that. DH and I really want to do something else but we won’t ditch them since they have no one else to spend the holiday with. How can we convince them to give something else a try? |
Anonymous
| Tell them you are not hosting and you are all going to dinner at a restaurant. Or you are not celebrating at all. The end. |
Anonymous
| Invite another smaller family to your house! |
Anonymous
| Are you parents local or do they travel to see you? Either way I wouldn't have asked - I would have just said I'm not up to cooking this year and made us a reservation at this restaurant at this time. Most restaurants that are open on Thanksgiving will have a traditional turkey special unless you were going crazy like Chinese or something. You could also just cook different items. We're a small family and I don't make all the traditional sides because its just to much. Last year we had turkey, green bean casserole and dressing. Maybe ask your parents to pick one side and let your kids pick the second. Then everyone gets their favorite. |
Anonymous
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Going on vacation is a good way of breaking the hosting cycle.
Personally, I would decide to serve something else, that your kids enjoy. "Not liking to host" is not a black and white proposition, OP. You have described many tensions, including that the food isn't a general favorite. So while your father will still rant about politics, maybe it all get better if your kids like the food! I say this because I have never liked the traditional Thanksgiving meal, so if I had to make it myself, I would be very irritated! We usually go to my best friend's house and I am only expected to bring dessert. When it's been just us at home, we usually have duck (sometimes confit of duck, instead of roasted), and completely different sides than the conventional ones. |
Anonymous
| Find a grocery store that caters. We have. It's a godsend for my elderly parents when the holiday is at their house. We like the food. All the sides are made up in foil pans. The turkey is defrosted/fresh and ready to put in the oven. They also sell a roast beef dinner. |
Anonymous
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OP you're in the driver's seat now. You have kids and it's about what your household wants to do and making fun memories for the kids. I would 100% love to do that 40 person family gathering you mentioned! Why not just say you are doing it, and your parents can decide to join or sit out. I would not at all view this as "ditching" them since it sounds like they are invited to both the big group event or the restaurant idea you mentioned.
We are similar - DH and I are only children - and bluntly holidays don't feel festive with such a small group of mostly older adults. It's not that fun for the kids or different from other days we get together with family. So we have traveled for some of the Tgiving holidays (with or without family) or done the holiday meal and then a long weekend trip for the remaining time. |
Anonymous
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I don’t understand how they can look you in the eye and say no to a restaurant we expect you to host and feed us.
I would either add another family with kids to your house or go for the restaurant. Invite then to whichever option you choose then leave it up to them to attend. Side note: incorporate food your kids like into the meal. |
Anonymous
This X10000. This is insanely rude behavior. |
Anonymous
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If your parents want something traditional, and pre-Covid the tradition was to go to your mom’s bff’s house, your parents should host and invite bff’s family over. This way, they’re repaying the bff for years of hospitality, they’re getting the traditional feel they want, you get out of hosting, and your kids get fun company. You can offer to make/buy some of the food so your parents don’t have to do 100% of the cooking.
If your parents are unwilling to host, then they will have declined all feasible options and you’re free to go to cousin’s huge dinner or make a restaurant reservation. Include your parents in the reservation in case they change their minds. You can always let the restaurant know the correct number in your party 3-5 days before Thanksgiving. |
Anonymous
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If your parents are local... maybe go to the chaotic fun cousin gathering with your kids and have your parents come over on Friday for 'traditional thanksgiving'? It's hard to leave your parents alone on a big holiday, but... it's their choice at this point (makes sense if they have reduced hearing, or are wary of viruses to skip a large gathering) but...
My in-laws were dedicated and insistent Thanksiving hosts well past my preference until... grandchildren who live out of town wanted to go back to their home city for thanksgiving - so thankfully my inlaws relented and host thanksgiving dinner on Tuesday of that week now. Which lets us go to my side of the family (my parents spent multiple Thanksgivings by themselves unfortunately - I felt awful, but we have another holiday we go spend with them and leave my in-laws to themselves...) You're in the thick of sandwich generationing, and giving your kids a fun holiday, and letting them get to know cousins is pretty valuable. |
Anonymous
| We are the same in my family op. I don’t want to cook so we go to a restaurant. No one else has stepped up to cook. Founding farmers has a pretty traditional Thanksgiving day meal and it’s packed in there. Get reservations now. |
Anonymous
| What does your mom mean by traditional? Just not in a restaurant? Order the meal and heat up at home. Tell her you made it the day before. |
Anonymous
| I don't think a restaurant would be all that fun either, I guess the upside there is less work, which you could get around by ordering food. Maybe you can bridge the gap by doing dinner with them at your house but arranging to do something else after... like a walk with the kids or something outdoorsy or going to the cousins house just for dessert. We used to do this on my dad's side... go to his parents house and have a small extremely boring dinner with just 5 people, then go to the cousins house which had a million people and was very boisterous, but it might have been too much to be there the whole day because we're introverts. And if you take separate cars, your parents can always leave earlier and you can stay if the kids are having fun. |
Anonymous
| Tell your parents you're going to a restaurant and they're welcome to join you. Restaurants serve traditional thanksgiving menus on Thanksgiving - just not a diner. A nicer restaurant and your dad can order the Tday stuff and your kids can order off the regular menu. Everyone's happy. |