BF-GF sleepovers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some families allow this, some don't. Disregarding the occasional logistical reasons like late nights/snowstorms, etc., those who do allow it are just accepting of what is going on (i.e., sex). Also, age matters a lot. 14 vs. 18 is a very big difference.

Among those who don't (which are most, but not by the majority you'd think), I believe:

1) Some don't as a way to pretend that their teens do not have sex, even when they know they do. It's a "I'm not going to make it easy for you," which still signals that it's wrong and potentially dangerous but in a subtle way. It keeps the conversation shut down, which can be beneficial in the short-term (avoids the awkward!) but potentially negative long-term (teens don't feel it's okay to ask parents questions or share concerns, and/or lie).

2) Others don't because they truly believe it prevents teens from having sex. It doesn't generally, because obviously sex can take place anywhere (well, almost anywhere) at any time. So it's about control.

3) A third group doesn't actually care but doesn't allow it because they don't want to be judged.

+1

The parents that are supposedly stricter don’t understand how to make the transition of their children into adulthood. Sex happens, can’t see why is that such a problem. Likely the culture of the parents is that they hide romantic affection with each other in front of the kids, assuming it still exists.

The parents that don’t allow also fall into several categories.

1. Cultural taboo, sex is perceived as something shameful, that should be kept after marriage, or put some value on (female) virginity of low number of sexual partners.

2. Parents assume that having a romantic partner in high school is a distraction from more important things like academics and extracurriculars. These parents usually want tight control over what their kids are doing.

3. Don’t care, but don’t allow it because they don’t want to be judged.

Age and maturity matter, if you’ll treat your 20 something year old that graduated college, the same way as a 13 year old middle schooler, you wont have a good relationship with your adult child.

Weird. I and everyone I grew up with and close friends circle now didn't have sleepovers with our boyfriends/ girlfriends in college and still have a great relationship with our parents. Interestingly those with permissive parents have difficult relationship now .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some families allow this, some don't. Disregarding the occasional logistical reasons like late nights/snowstorms, etc., those who do allow it are just accepting of what is going on (i.e., sex). Also, age matters a lot. 14 vs. 18 is a very big difference.

Among those who don't (which are most, but not by the majority you'd think), I believe:

1) Some don't as a way to pretend that their teens do not have sex, even when they know they do. It's a "I'm not going to make it easy for you," which still signals that it's wrong and potentially dangerous but in a subtle way. It keeps the conversation shut down, which can be beneficial in the short-term (avoids the awkward!) but potentially negative long-term (teens don't feel it's okay to ask parents questions or share concerns, and/or lie).

2) Others don't because they truly believe it prevents teens from having sex. It doesn't generally, because obviously sex can take place anywhere (well, almost anywhere) at any time. So it's about control.

3) A third group doesn't actually care but doesn't allow it because they don't want to be judged.

+1

The parents that are supposedly stricter don’t understand how to make the transition of their children into adulthood. Sex happens, can’t see why is that such a problem. Likely the culture of the parents is that they hide romantic affection with each other in front of the kids, assuming it still exists.

The parents that don’t allow also fall into several categories.

1. Cultural taboo, sex is perceived as something shameful, that should be kept after marriage, or put some value on (female) virginity of low number of sexual partners.

2. Parents assume that having a romantic partner in high school is a distraction from more important things like academics and extracurriculars. These parents usually want tight control over what their kids are doing.

3. Don’t care, but don’t allow it because they don’t want to be judged.

Age and maturity matter, if you’ll treat your 20 something year old that graduated college, the same way as a 13 year old middle schooler, you wont have a good relationship with your adult child.

Weird. I and everyone I grew up with and close friends circle now didn't have sleepovers with our boyfriends/ girlfriends in college and still have a great relationship with our parents. Interestingly those with permissive parents have difficult relationship now .

Most young adults resent that level of control at 20-25. When do you allow them to be independent, and treat them like they are allowed to do whatever they want? Curious why it is so bothersome that your 20 something is having sex in your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some families allow this, some don't. Disregarding the occasional logistical reasons like late nights/snowstorms, etc., those who do allow it are just accepting of what is going on (i.e., sex). Also, age matters a lot. 14 vs. 18 is a very big difference.

Among those who don't (which are most, but not by the majority you'd think), I believe:

1) Some don't as a way to pretend that their teens do not have sex, even when they know they do. It's a "I'm not going to make it easy for you," which still signals that it's wrong and potentially dangerous but in a subtle way. It keeps the conversation shut down, which can be beneficial in the short-term (avoids the awkward!) but potentially negative long-term (teens don't feel it's okay to ask parents questions or share concerns, and/or lie).

2) Others don't because they truly believe it prevents teens from having sex. It doesn't generally, because obviously sex can take place anywhere (well, almost anywhere) at any time. So it's about control.

3) A third group doesn't actually care but doesn't allow it because they don't want to be judged.

+1

The parents that are supposedly stricter don’t understand how to make the transition of their children into adulthood. Sex happens, can’t see why is that such a problem. Likely the culture of the parents is that they hide romantic affection with each other in front of the kids, assuming it still exists.

The parents that don’t allow also fall into several categories.

1. Cultural taboo, sex is perceived as something shameful, that should be kept after marriage, or put some value on (female) virginity of low number of sexual partners.

2. Parents assume that having a romantic partner in high school is a distraction from more important things like academics and extracurriculars. These parents usually want tight control over what their kids are doing.

3. Don’t care, but don’t allow it because they don’t want to be judged.

Age and maturity matter, if you’ll treat your 20 something year old that graduated college, the same way as a 13 year old middle schooler, you wont have a good relationship with your adult child.

Weird. I and everyone I grew up with and close friends circle now didn't have sleepovers with our boyfriends/ girlfriends in college and still have a great relationship with our parents. Interestingly those with permissive parents have difficult relationship now .

Most young adults resent that level of control at 20-25. When do you allow them to be independent, and treat them like they are allowed to do whatever they want? Curious why it is so bothersome that your 20 something is having sex in your house.

We don't believe in sex before marriage. We also believe in respecting the rules of the house you are in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m told that it is commonly accepted by parents that their teenagers will have sleepovers with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I completely floored by this concept and not sure if I should believe what I’m hearing. Is this really a thing these days where parents just go along with this or even enable it on summer trips?

Depends on the kids and family really.
Spent a month at a bf's family's ranch as a kid, hundreds of miles away from home. Was just 14 and he was 17. We had separate bedrooms but didn't always use them.
Story as old as time.

You should not have had a boyfriend at 14 especially one that was 17and no way traveling together.

I'm sorry your parents were so neglectful

We didn't travel together, his parents came and got me.

Our families knew each other. Both were large ranching and farming families well known among that circle.

Sorry your family wasn't mature enough to raise you to be independent.

That's even more effed up your parents essentially trafficked you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some families allow this, some don't. Disregarding the occasional logistical reasons like late nights/snowstorms, etc., those who do allow it are just accepting of what is going on (i.e., sex). Also, age matters a lot. 14 vs. 18 is a very big difference.

Among those who don't (which are most, but not by the majority you'd think), I believe:

1) Some don't as a way to pretend that their teens do not have sex, even when they know they do. It's a "I'm not going to make it easy for you," which still signals that it's wrong and potentially dangerous but in a subtle way. It keeps the conversation shut down, which can be beneficial in the short-term (avoids the awkward!) but potentially negative long-term (teens don't feel it's okay to ask parents questions or share concerns, and/or lie).

2) Others don't because they truly believe it prevents teens from having sex. It doesn't generally, because obviously sex can take place anywhere (well, almost anywhere) at any time. So it's about control.

3) A third group doesn't actually care but doesn't allow it because they don't want to be judged.

+1

The parents that are supposedly stricter don’t understand how to make the transition of their children into adulthood. Sex happens, can’t see why is that such a problem. Likely the culture of the parents is that they hide romantic affection with each other in front of the kids, assuming it still exists.

The parents that don’t allow also fall into several categories.

1. Cultural taboo, sex is perceived as something shameful, that should be kept after marriage, or put some value on (female) virginity of low number of sexual partners.

2. Parents assume that having a romantic partner in high school is a distraction from more important things like academics and extracurriculars. These parents usually want tight control over what their kids are doing.

3. Don’t care, but don’t allow it because they don’t want to be judged.

Age and maturity matter, if you’ll treat your 20 something year old that graduated college, the same way as a 13 year old middle schooler, you wont have a good relationship with your adult child.

Weird. I and everyone I grew up with and close friends circle now didn't have sleepovers with our boyfriends/ girlfriends in college and still have a great relationship with our parents. Interestingly those with permissive parents have difficult relationship now .

Most young adults resent that level of control at 20-25. When do you allow them to be independent, and treat them like they are allowed to do whatever they want? Curious why it is so bothersome that your 20 something is having sex in your house.

We don't believe in sex before marriage. We also believe in respecting the rules of the house you are in.

Is no sex before marriage a personal choice you made for yourself or for your child?

Bible thumper or immigrant culture?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t believe everything you hear. This is not common at all.

I let my DD have her boyfriend stay over but they are both 20 and in college. No way would I let this happen in HS. Pretty sure I’m an outlier.

We are non-White, non-Christian UMC immigrants from a moderately conservative society. My kids did not even have the time to date in HS. They dated in college, but, we were not told about it and we never asked. They knew that we would not approve of random BFs and GFs being paraded in front of us. They knew that they had to find people we would approve of and only come to us when they needed the permission to marry.

Most of us already know this. Immigrants like you haven’t assimilated to your new country yet. Boy girl sleepovers in high school are not the norm but having time to date or go out with friends is normal.

[Anonymous]

Hell to the no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand this might be tolerated in some parts of DC area, but in my social circles it’s certainly not allowed and shocking.

Anyone who uses the term “my social circles” is already annoying.

I think maybe some kids have basement sleepovers and the boys or the girls sneak in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand this might be tolerated in some parts of DC area, but in my social circles it’s certainly not allowed and shocking.

Anyone who uses the term “my social circles” is already annoying.

I think maybe some kids have basement sleepovers and the boys or the girls sneak in.

By social circles she means her close knit immigrant community bound by a strict set of religious and cultural norms. The aunties bond over indignation at the lack of morality in the American society at large. Usually also gloss over the appalling treatment of women back home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m told that it is commonly accepted by parents that their teenagers will have sleepovers with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I completely floored by this concept and not sure if I should believe what I’m hearing. Is this really a thing these days where parents just go along with this or even enable it on summer trips?

Depends on the kids and family really.
Spent a month at a bf's family's ranch as a kid, hundreds of miles away from home. Was just 14 and he was 17. We had separate bedrooms but didn't always use them.
Story as old as time.

You should not have had a boyfriend at 14 especially one that was 17and no way traveling together.

I'm sorry your parents were so neglectful

We didn't travel together, his parents came and got me.

Our families knew each other. Both were large ranching and farming families well known among that circle.

Sorry your family wasn't mature enough to raise you to be independent.

That's even more effed up your parents essentially trafficked you

Interesting how your mind works.
I'd suspect you are on some lists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We allowed this from 17 onwards in the context of a committed relationship. My kids have turned out great and are both in good long-term relationships, one is engaged.

I don’t really care what anyone else does.

No one should be in a committed relationship at 17
.

I'm a PP who finds this whole trend bizarre. And it's mostly for the reason that the PP above notes. No one should be so attached to their HS boyfriend/girlfriend that they're routinely sleeping over. Forget the sex, they're just too young for become part of the family. I'm in my 50s and one of my oldest friends is still obsessed with her HS boyfriend who dumped her when we were 17 and destroyed her self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

When I was a college exchange student doing a home stay in Denmark, I was assured this was normal. I thought, surely not! My HS-aged brother, his friends, and their parents felt quite differently. They were matter of fact about it but I couldn’t get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents allowed it when DH and I were in college and my (eventual) inlaws did not.

It made no difference either way. We still had sex at my inlaws, we just waited until they went to sleep.

So you snuck into their house to have sex? Classy

No. I was staying in their guest room on visits and DH snuck into my room after they went to sleep, and then snuck back out. We were in college - this was on school breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some families allow this, some don't. Disregarding the occasional logistical reasons like late nights/snowstorms, etc., those who do allow it are just accepting of what is going on (i.e., sex). Also, age matters a lot. 14 vs. 18 is a very big difference.

Among those who don't (which are most, but not by the majority you'd think), I believe:

1) Some don't as a way to pretend that their teens do not have sex, even when they know they do. It's a "I'm not going to make it easy for you," which still signals that it's wrong and potentially dangerous but in a subtle way. It keeps the conversation shut down, which can be beneficial in the short-term (avoids the awkward!) but potentially negative long-term (teens don't feel it's okay to ask parents questions or share concerns, and/or lie).

2) Others don't because they truly believe it prevents teens from having sex. It doesn't generally, because obviously sex can take place anywhere (well, almost anywhere) at any time. So it's about control.

3) A third group doesn't actually care but doesn't allow it because they don't want to be judged.

+1

The parents that are supposedly stricter don’t understand how to make the transition of their children into adulthood. Sex happens, can’t see why is that such a problem. Likely the culture of the parents is that they hide romantic affection with each other in front of the kids, assuming it still exists.

The parents that don’t allow also fall into several categories.

1. Cultural taboo, sex is perceived as something shameful, that should be kept after marriage, or put some value on (female) virginity of low number of sexual partners.

2. Parents assume that having a romantic partner in high school is a distraction from more important things like academics and extracurriculars. These parents usually want tight control over what their kids are doing.

3. Don’t care, but don’t allow it because they don’t want to be judged.

Age and maturity matter, if you’ll treat your 20 something year old that graduated college, the same way as a 13 year old middle schooler, you wont have a good relationship with your adult child.

Weird. I and everyone I grew up with and close friends circle now didn't have sleepovers with our boyfriends/ girlfriends in college and still have a great relationship with our parents. Interestingly those with permissive parents have difficult relationship now .

Most young adults resent that level of control at 20-25. When do you allow them to be independent, and treat them like they are allowed to do whatever they want? Curious why it is so bothersome that your 20 something is having sex in your house.

We don't believe in sex before marriage. We also believe in respecting the rules of the house you are in.

Is no sex before marriage a personal choice you made for yourself or for your child?

Bible thumper or immigrant culture?

For ourselves and our home . We also don't smoke, drink or do drugs if our kids want to do those things they are free to do so in their own homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We allowed this from 17 onwards in the context of a committed relationship. My kids have turned out great and are both in good long-term relationships, one is engaged.

I don’t really care what anyone else does.

No one should be in a committed relationship at 17
.

I'm a PP who finds this whole trend bizarre. And it's mostly for the reason that the PP above notes. No one should be so attached to their HS boyfriend/girlfriend that they're routinely sleeping over. Forget the sex, they're just too young for become part of the family. I'm in my 50s and one of my oldest friends is still obsessed with her HS boyfriend who dumped her when we were 17 and destroyed her self-esteem.

It really isn't age appropriate. They aren't adults. And I see the impact of such permissive parenting in my office every day. You can and should set limits for your kids and their dating habits they need you to.