when to start dating while separating/divorcing

[Anonymous]

When your finances and work life and kids are stable and you have gone to therapy.

My divorce still isn’t over… separated almost 3 years. My job is stable, my finances are fine, kids are happy. I have been cautious introducing them and waited until I found someone equally stable and committed.

I’ve seen women date and immediately try to replace their ex and act insane. I took a year of living on my own and really working on myself and thinking hard about what I want out of life and love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are separated, and my husband has has been dating since before we split (thus causing the split obviously)

I hadn’t really thought about a dating timetable, but he has finally met someone that he wanted to tell the kids about and it turns out they expected to be told beforehand, and they are not at all happy. Teens.

I can’t imagine any situation or teens are going to be enthusiastic about their parents dating, but in my case, it seems like they expected to have a conversation before either parents started dating, and they feel like they have been lied to that things are happening behind their back.

Agree.
After w the teens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Slow your roll. Seriously. Get divorced. Make sure your kids are ok. Establish a new, safe, secure normal. Learn to enjoy your own company.

No way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you and your ex agree on when it was OK to start seeing other people before the divorce was final? What was the mark you agreed on, e.g., when there was a formal separation agreement in place, when one of you had moved out of the house, something else? Any guidelines or advice on how to navigate this, particularly if the split is relatively amicable?

The details don't matter. When a marriage is done, it's done, regardless of lawyers.

Re dating, reasonably attractive people will find other reasonably attractive people. And that can go on and on until one is no longer reasonably attractive.

There are no guidelines. Life can be cruel. And many die alone.

The 40s and 50s are actually great for random sex. But... you have to have a think at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there children? That impacts my answer.

teens

Yeah, I'd go very slow. Like wait until the divorce is final. Wait to talk to them. I had SO MUCH respect for my dad that he floated the idea of dating by my brother and me before he just announced he was dating and had a girlfriend. Probably a big part of what made me so open to the one he has stuck with long term.

fair, but can't the parent date without the kids knowing for a while?

Who is going to want to date someone who is technically married and has three teenagers?

Not someone with any good intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL you really want to get laid, huh?

I've been trapped for years. I finally found the courage to get out. I want to meet people and have fun and find companionship. It's not only or even mainly about sex.

If it’s not about sex, go out with your sane sex friends, OP. Or if you are gay, go out if your opposite sex friends.

You will have fun and companionship without risking your teens respect.

Teens do not want to see or suspect their still married parents craving some strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are there children? That impacts my answer.

teens

I see, you failed to state that up front. Interesting.

Love to hear your view on your own question OP. Surely you have an opinion and can back it up with a sensible rationale.
What say ye?

Agree. Trollish thing to deliberately omit in the short original post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL you really want to get laid, huh?

I've been trapped for years. I finally found the courage to get out. I want to meet people and have fun and find companionship. It's not only or even mainly about sex.

I would make sure you're not looking for a bandaid relationship that you think will make everything you've gone through disappear. I'm really sorry for the marriage you had, just make sure you're thinking through what you want and what you need and keeping your eyes wide open so you don't end up in the same kind of relationship you were in before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start the minute you both say separate or divorced.

No one willingly dates someone that is separated and going through drama. Heck no. Divorced, drama is over. Perhaps that person has been to therapy and reflected on their role in the divorce.

My husband was divorced, no kids, and I was separated (waiting for the clock to run out), no kids, when we went on our first date. I was open about the status of my marriage and he was aware of the steps the whole way. There wasn't drama because we didn't have kids and I was the one who wanted the divorce so I was ready for it to be over. I wasn't cheated on or anything so I wasn't carrying a ton of trauma out of my first marriage. I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer to this question at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I separated 3 weeks ago, after having been married for more than 20 years. Yesterday, I was sitting on the grass by the lake with a handsome man I met for the second time, kissing for an hour as if I were 20 again. It felt so good, so romantic.

how'd that happen so fast? did you know him before your separation? do you have kids?

Our kids are young adults, live separately.

I downloaded the dating app immediately after moving out. Met him a week ago for the first time, and yesterday was our second date, we have two more planned for this week. There is a lot of mutual attraction, but also clarity that it’s not going to be a long-term relationship because he is 12 years younger. It still feels so good, even if it’s going to last just for a few weeks.

Girl, same here. I’m 39 and he’s 24. He’s a body builder and looks like a Greek God. Sends me very risqué gym selfies every day. God bless the guys who like MILFs. If I knew it was this good I would have divorced years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start the minute you both say separate or divorced.

No one willingly dates someone that is separated and going through drama. Heck no. Divorced, drama is over. Perhaps that person has been to therapy and reflected on their role in the divorce.

^^ this. Are you really interested in your odds in the pool of people who would be looking to date someone recently separated but still married? I'm sure there are some decent guys in that pool but most won't be. Everyone I know who has been through it and restarted successful has giving themselves time to reflect on the marriage, get comfortable with themselves solo, and have a starter relationship or couple once they are dating again. Those who have rushed in have later found they did it with blind spots. If you just want sex, find a FWB.

[Anonymous]

Good lord, at least wait until the papers are signed and the ink is dry. And unless you've been in therapy for a long time and understand your patterns and how you got here, do that first. Really, you will just go into the same situation and it'll feel different at first because it's new. Enjoy some time to yourself and with your friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you and your ex agree on when it was OK to start seeing other people before the divorce was final? What was the mark you agreed on, e.g., when there was a formal separation agreement in place, when one of you had moved out of the house, something else? Any guidelines or advice on how to navigate this, particularly if the split is relatively amicable?

In Virginia, the lawyerly advice will be not at all during separation because it’s adultery that can be used against you in court, affecting alimony and asset division. (Has zero to do with custody or child support).

Also as a practical matter, it is easier for women to date while separated than it is for men. Most women won’t sleep with separated men.

[Anonymous]

When the divorce is final. Go out and make new friends and have fun, you don't necessarily need to date. Anyone willing to date you before the divorce is final is just there for sex and nothing else.

[Anonymous]

I waited until after I was divorced following a two year separation. But, my kids were mid teens and dating would have been confusing or upsetting to them. But after the divorce I did have a FWB until I became an empty nester. He wasn’t dating material but he definitely took care of my needs every couple of weeks. FWIW he wasn’t married.