I just told my husband I feel like Cinderella and he doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Your husband thinks you mean Cinderella when she meets her Prince (and he is the prince). You mean Cinderella when she is a slave to the family before she meets the prince.

Make it clear which Cinderella you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you have to stop doing stuff for him and lower your own expectations (weekly deep clean is a bit much, get biweekly cleaners and just do maintenance). He will not do things at the frequency or with the efficiency that you want, but you are also training him to do less and less since you do it (because you want healthy meals and a clean house, I get it).

I once stopped cleaning my spouse's side of the bathroom sink area (double sinks) to see how long it would take him to finally clean it. Two months later, I pointed out the differences (one side was FILTHY with scum, hair, toothpaste, etc). He did.not.care. We have biweekly cleaners now,and I only do my own laundry. We also have a split--whoever makes dinner does not clean up. Let the dishes pile up. Let the frig go empty. Nag less, but do less. And do not have another child.

So, in your case, I would do your own laundry and your son's laundry if you need to but definitely not spouses. Take your own car in, do not touch his. Sick day? Just leave. Say sorry I need to work at work today. I took the last one. And leave. Do not make him lunches or appointments (wtf?) and stop cooking dinner half the time. I just stopped doing it all. Yes, it meant coming home and spouse would say "what's for dinner?" and I'd say "I have no idea. did you have something planned? cause I didn't" for about a year before he started taking more responsibility. it also would not happen during the little kid years. His executive function was just too poor to do so many things at once.

finally, figure out what your spouse is good at (or at least capable of). I've outsourced almost all errands to DH. grocery shopping, home depot, lowes and more of the kid driving. I do executive function stuff, he does immediate execution things.

+1 to all of this

Are we married to the same person? 🤣

And to the bolded: I do the same. My DH’s side is a gross disaster and mess. He doesn’t care. I just leave it and look past it. If that is how he wants to keep it: fine. Every once in awhile (months go by in between) he picks his stuff up and cleans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, women fell for 'we can do it all' storyline. No, neither us nor men can. Men and women need each other. We need to fairly divide and responsibly deliver for the team. Your marriage's health and your family's happiness should come before advancement of your careers.

This is so blaming of women. I don’t know many women who “fell” for anything. Most of us marry men who we think are our equals only to find out once married with kids that they’re man babies. Full on “bait and switch”. This is mot our “fault”. Man babies need to do/be better. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op sounds like a whiner. Going by her husband’s work hours, he likely is a hardworking blue collar worker. Grad degrees don’t add much value unless medical or law. Not to mention insane tuition loans. Just not worth it.

op should not be advancing her career at the cost of the wellbeing of her marriage and family. Doing housework is primarily the women’s responsibility anyway.

Found the incel!

[Anonymous]

Don’t do his laundry, don’t prep his lunches, don’t make his appointment. You don’t need to deep clean the house every weekend. And hire housecleaners. Cut corners on cooking and either make simpler things or make bigger quantities so you can have leftovers. Hand off some of the administrative work to him, especially anything that relates to him and especially because he is done working at 2 o’clock, so has some business hours free.

If there’s any way for you not to share a shower with him, do that. Tell him you are tired of scraping his crusted boogers.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom. Please don't stay in this relationship. It doesn't have to be 50/50 if you leave him. I wasn't married, just engaged for years, and had two kids with my ex. Never needed to go to court. I see the kids 6 days a week (even if it's just school dropoff in the morning) and he has the kids 4 nights while I have 3. So I really only don't see them on Sundays.

At first we lived in the same complex, 3 minute walk. Now it's a 3 minute drive but still fine for frequent switching. I have made so many friends, and I'm only responsible for myself and the kids. He's had to learn how to do things like buy their underwear when they outgrow it, or signing the kids out of after school care (for a while the teachers never saw him before!) It will only get better if you leave.

I have so much free time, I have a group of best friends now and we go paddleboarding and do other fun stuff! Dating is fun and I don't take it too seriously! You only get one life.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to deep clean the house every week.

[Anonymous]

How much laundry are we talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, you have to stop doing stuff for him and lower your own expectations (weekly deep clean is a bit much, get biweekly cleaners and just do maintenance). He will not do things at the frequency or with the efficiency that you want, but you are also training him to do less and less since you do it (because you want healthy meals and a clean house, I get it).

I once stopped cleaning my spouse's side of the bathroom sink area (double sinks) to see how long it would take him to finally clean it. Two months later, I pointed out the differences (one side was FILTHY with scum, hair, toothpaste, etc). He did.not.care. We have biweekly cleaners now,and I only do my own laundry. We also have a split--whoever makes dinner does not clean up. Let the dishes pile up. Let the frig go empty. Nag less, but do less. And do not have another child.

So, in your case, I would do your own laundry and your son's laundry if you need to but definitely not spouses. Take your own car in, do not touch his. Sick day? Just leave. Say sorry I need to work at work today. I took the last one. And leave. Do not make him lunches or appointments (wtf?) and stop cooking dinner half the time. I just stopped doing it all. Yes, it meant coming home and spouse would say "what's for dinner?" and I'd say "I have no idea. did you have something planned? cause I didn't" for about a year before he started taking more responsibility. it also would not happen during the little kid years. His executive function was just too poor to do so many things at once.

finally, figure out what your spouse is good at (or at least capable of). I've outsourced almost all errands to DH. grocery shopping, home depot, lowes and more of the kid driving. I do executive function stuff, he does immediate execution things.

Pure wisdom right here. Listen to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, women fell for 'we can do it all' storyline. No, neither us nor men can. Men and women need each other. We need to fairly divide and responsibly deliver for the team. Your marriage's health and your family's happiness should come before advancement of your careers.

This is so blaming of women. I don’t know many women who “fell” for anything. Most of us marry men who we think are our equals only to find out once married with kids that they’re man babies. Full on “bait and switch”. This is mot our “fault”. Man babies need to do/be better. Period.

+1

And many men talk a good game early on. Also everything seems fine early on, especially before kids. When my DH and I were first living together and then married- he seemed happy to do “50/50” but it was 50% of……practically nothing. His “half” took maybe 2 hours per week? Depending if you count cooking. And that work obviously did not seriously infringe on his free time, sleep, or anything else he wanted to do. Two adults in a condo don’t exactly generate much housework or many extra tasks.

Add in a house, kids etc and all of the work multiplies exponentially….and has very little relation to the “2 adults in their little condo” scenario that many couples start with.

There must be a better way to predict which men will be better at 50/50 arrangements. IMHO I think it may relate back a lot to what they saw in their family of origin. I work FT and make my son do a lot of chores (and the same chores as his sister) to hopefully? put him on the right path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the title suggests, I am tired of doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and administrative work. I do morning drop-offs, and he picks up most of the time, unless I get off work early. I deep clean the entire house every Saturday and do all the laundry. I work full time and am in a gradute program.

He does all the yard work and walks the dog. If there's anything that needs to be fixed, he will fix it. He barbecues. He does not do any maintenance work with the vehicles and I typically take them in. Whenever I tell him how tired I am from doing all the housework, he uses the trump card of "try getting up at 4AM" because he works from 6AM - 2PM.

He asked me to book him a dentist appointment for him because "I'm good at it." I meal prep his lunches well in advance, do his laundry and fold it for him. If he folds laundry it stays on the couch. I do all the sick days. He will stay home from work to help if I am feverish and can't function. He does very gross things like nicotine puffs that he puts in his mouth and then will blow his nose in the shower and I have to scrape off the dried snot. It's disgusting. I've been asking him for YEARS to stop. And then, once I'm done all of this he expects me to put out.

The only reason I stay is I would miss my son 50% of the time. I'm just so tired.

You're both working you should have hired a housekeeper long ago. Obviously, you enjoy your martyhood