I just told my husband I feel like Cinderella and he doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband does way more housework than my father did. .he does laundry, makes simple meals though he can't cook, washes dishes. He will clean but he prefers waiting until a room really needs it while I will clean even if it already looks clean enough to him. My father spent every evening in the recliner while my mother worked around him, he never even put us to bed!
However my dad did all kinds of "men's work" that my husband can't do and we have to hire out. My dad poured a concrete patio, built two decks around our house, did electrical stuff. Millennial men can't do any of this.

I'm a dad a bit like this and honestly I don't see how it's not better. We've never needed to pour a patio or build a deck, but I make dinner every night. If I waited until a patio was needed I'd be in the recliner too.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. You are deep cleaning the house every Saturday, is he demanding you do that? You don't need to deep clean every Saturday. Don't do his laundry. I hate when my wife does my laundry. The expectation is that no matter what I am doing, I will immediately stop and hang stuff up or put it away.

You need to make a list of everything you do, rank on importance, prioritize and determine what can be cut back, what you don't need to as frequently or at all, what can be outsourced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop doing so much. Don’t complain about how tired you are. Instead:
Hire a cleaning lady. Get a wash and fold service for laundry. Don’t make his lunches. Only focus on what needs to be done for your child. There is no need to martyr yourself.

+1 start now. biweekly cleaning is fine. tell him weekly if he won't stop blowing his nose in the shower
You are not the maid, stop acting like it. let things go undone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the title suggests, I am tired of doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and administrative work. I do morning drop-offs, and he picks up most of the time, unless I get off work early. I deep clean the entire house every Saturday and do all the laundry. I work full time and am in a gradute program.

He does all the yard work and walks the dog. If there's anything that needs to be fixed, he will fix it. He barbecues. He does not do any maintenance work with the vehicles and I typically take them in. Whenever I tell him how tired I am from doing all the housework, he uses the trump card of "try getting up at 4AM" because he works from 6AM - 2PM.

He asked me to book him a dentist appointment for him because "I'm good at it." I meal prep his lunches well in advance, do his laundry and fold it for him. If he folds laundry it stays on the couch. I do all the sick days. He will stay home from work to help if I am feverish and can't function. He does very gross things like nicotine puffs that he puts in his mouth and then will blow his nose in the shower and I have to scrape off the dried snot. It's disgusting. I've been asking him for YEARS to stop. And then, once I'm done all of this he expects me to put out.

The only reason I stay is I would miss my son 50% of the time. I'm just so tired.

Really OP? That one's too far-fetched.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pps

-stop doing stuff for him
-plan bbq dinners for as much as you can. He can grill veggies and meat - bam dinner is done.

[Anonymous]

WTF are you doing his laundry and packing his lunches and making dental appointments??? Stop that. Now.

Do you have two bathrooms? He should share with your son and you should get your own. They are responsible for cleaning their own bathroom, not you. That way you can keep your nice and clean. Put a damn lock on the door so they can't come in if you have to.

[Anonymous]

why dont you hire help or stop working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right now, today, stop acting like his mommy.

Stop doing his laundry.

Stop making his lunches.

These are life skills that children should learn to manage and it’s embarrassing that you’re doing this for him. Look into hiring a cleaning service. I get that you can’t drop the rope on everything, but you don’t have to be your husband’s maid.

I agree with all of this. Absolutely stop making his lunches. Leave his laundry. He's home early enough to do his own. Making his appointments?? No, absolutely not.

Outdoor maintenance takes time and effort. The difference is that it doesn't need to be done daily,.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with pps

-stop doing stuff for him
-plan bbq dinners for as much as you can. He can grill veggies and meat - bam dinner is done.

Yes, as often as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why dont you hire help or stop working

Why should she stop working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF are you doing his laundry and packing his lunches and making dental appointments??? Stop that. Now.

Do you have two bathrooms? He should share with your son and you should get your own. They are responsible for cleaning their own bathroom, not you. That way you can keep your nice and clean. Put a damn lock on the door so they can't come in if you have to.

You must be wonderful to live with

[Anonymous]

dh here. why is laundry such a big deal? i do laundry for my household. i use washing machine, don't you? it takes me about 10 min to put it in and another 5 to put in the dryer. dw and i fold together (another 10 min or so). i hope Cinderella is not hand washing.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you have to stop doing stuff for him and lower your own expectations (weekly deep clean is a bit much, get biweekly cleaners and just do maintenance). He will not do things at the frequency or with the efficiency that you want, but you are also training him to do less and less since you do it (because you want healthy meals and a clean house, I get it).

I once stopped cleaning my spouse's side of the bathroom sink area (double sinks) to see how long it would take him to finally clean it. Two months later, I pointed out the differences (one side was FILTHY with scum, hair, toothpaste, etc). He did.not.care. We have biweekly cleaners now,and I only do my own laundry. We also have a split--whoever makes dinner does not clean up. Let the dishes pile up. Let the frig go empty. Nag less, but do less. And do not have another child.

So, in your case, I would do your own laundry and your son's laundry if you need to but definitely not spouses. Take your own car in, do not touch his. Sick day? Just leave. Say sorry I need to work at work today. I took the last one. And leave. Do not make him lunches or appointments (wtf?) and stop cooking dinner half the time. I just stopped doing it all. Yes, it meant coming home and spouse would say "what's for dinner?" and I'd say "I have no idea. did you have something planned? cause I didn't" for about a year before he started taking more responsibility. it also would not happen during the little kid years. His executive function was just too poor to do so many things at once.

finally, figure out what your spouse is good at (or at least capable of). I've outsourced almost all errands to DH. grocery shopping, home depot, lowes and more of the kid driving. I do executive function stuff, he does immediate execution things.

[Anonymous]

You know what to do. But if you stop being Cinderella, you won't get to be a martyr about everything. You need to be honest with yourself. You probably love to complain about how hard you work and how unappreciated you are. For instance, you can stop the deep clean on Saturdays, outsource, and get your kids to help. But then you couldn't blame everything on other people. Make a plan and change things or accept that this is what you really prefer.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe the people who are saying it sounds like OP’s dh does a lot. He only stay home with a sick child if his wife is also very sick. He does yard work, but in the DC area, we tend to have very small yards. Also, there’s no yard work for 3-4 months out of the year. Even if he shovels snow, that’s only a handful of time during the season where there’s no yard work. The number of man hours needed to maintain the yard is nowhere close to those needed to keep the house clean. OP’s dh barbecues. You all know he’s not barbecuing as often as she’s cooking, especially since she even preps his packed lunches for him! He doesn’t do his own laundry. The one thing he has going for him is that he fixes things, but OP handles 100% of the mental load of keeping their household running, scheduling appointments, arranging childcare. Unless he’s fixing something for hours every damn weekend, he’s not doing 50/50. This division of household labor would absolutely be fair if OP were a SAHM, but she works full time too.

OP, the only advice I have for you is to stop sharing a shower with him if your house has more than one. Shower in a different bathroom and never clean, set foot in or even look at his shower again. My God, the shower situation alone would have me considering divorce. The vulgarity! The entitlement! The disrespect! The dominance!