is this socially wierd or is it me being overly sensitive?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s good to be social and polite (so, in OP’s example, yes keep going and inviting to bday parties, play dates, keep saying hi at bus stop). But it sounds like there is an offshoot of 3rd grade boy moms socializing in that neighborhood. That’s fine and normal. My son is in 3rd and beginning a year or so ago, I noticed moms and families broke off and no longer socialized as a big mass. Our kids do the same thing at school. In kindergarten, every classmate is a friend. By 3rd grade, there are kids your kid naturally feels they get along with better than other, maybe because they know each other from teams, have similar personalities, or just gravitate toward each other for whatever reason.

I am an introvert who tends to be friends with these kinds of extroverted mom group moms. I ALWAYS am polite about being included. So I cheerfully say “Hope you’re bbq is fun! Want to get the kids together sometime next week.” I don’t invite myself or mope that I wasn’t. If a neighborhood friend mentions a play date, I wish her well and move on. Sometimes if I get an invite like “Jimmy and his mom are coming over, if Larlo wanted to come,” I ALWAYS say that’s nice but I don’t want to bust into their play date and so on. If the mom invites a second time and seems really genuine, I might accept. I have a neighbor who never invites me to events and I’m fine with that. I still invite her kid for play dates and still say hi at parties. I’ve decided she doesn’t want to socialize with me and that’s fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a classic clique to me. No reflection on you that they won’t let you in.

+1
They came to socialize only with each other.

Not ideal in a public neighborhood place, but it has nothing to do with you. Hopefully your other neighbors are more inviting

These women talk to OP at parties, get together, at the bus stop, and are perfectly polite to her. There’s no rule that says all people in the neighborhood with the same aged kids have to be a friend group. These are all adults.

+1

I agree with this. They’re not excluding her and it’s ok if they are there the socialize with each other. They’re not being rude, they are not being unkind. They’re saying hello they’re being nice, they're not obligated to have op join them.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they were being normal but you have social anxiety so you felt a vibe that wasn't actually there.

[Anonymous]

The problem is you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Those other women seemed annoyed that OP invaded their private hang, but I have been in other situations where people acted put out with the one outsider mom DIDN'T come hang out and just sat on her own, reading her book or whatever. And then hear this mom called "standoffish" forever.

Parent social circles are often so painfully like middle school. It's why I'm so relieved that most of my close friends are from pre-kid days and we don't know them through our kids' school or activities. I'm not trying to rush my kid through childhood but I will be relieved when my social circles can go back to just being about me, my interests and personality, and not go through my kids at all. I am generally a pretty socially confident person, but even I feel social anxiety in this environment at times.

[Anonymous]

I’m socially weird with new people. It’s me, I’m the problem. I just always say the wrong thing. I try to ask about people and ask the wrong things. I end up just clamming up and smiling weirdly. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a classic clique to me. No reflection on you that they won’t let you in.

+1
They came to socialize only with each other.

Not ideal in a public neighborhood place, but it has nothing to do with you. Hopefully your other neighbors are more inviting

These women talk to OP at parties, get together, at the bus stop, and are perfectly polite to her. There’s no rule that says all people in the neighborhood with the same aged kids have to be a friend group. These are all adults.

+1

I agree with this. They’re not excluding her and it’s ok if they are there the socialize with each other. They’re not being rude, they are not being unkind. They’re saying hello they’re being nice, they're not obligated to have op join them.

It's tacky

DCUM obsessed so much about appearance and externals.

Really its behavior that makes someone classless.

[Anonymous]

Try making friends with one, away from the others. Not the whole group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a classic clique to me. No reflection on you that they won’t let you in.

+1
They came to socialize only with each other.

Not ideal in a public neighborhood place, but it has nothing to do with you. Hopefully your other neighbors are more inviting

These women talk to OP at parties, get together, at the bus stop, and are perfectly polite to her. There’s no rule that says all people in the neighborhood with the same aged kids have to be a friend group. These are all adults.

+1

I agree with this. They’re not excluding her and it’s ok if they are there the socialize with each other. They’re not being rude, they are not being unkind. They’re saying hello they’re being nice, they're not obligated to have op join them.

They are in fact excluding her. That's the issue. No one is saying they need to include her at all times, but they can't be nice and inclusive for a short period of time at the freaking pool? That is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a classic clique to me. No reflection on you that they won’t let you in.

+1
They came to socialize only with each other.

Not ideal in a public neighborhood place, but it has nothing to do with you. Hopefully your other neighbors are more inviting

These women talk to OP at parties, get together, at the bus stop, and are perfectly polite to her. There’s no rule that says all people in the neighborhood with the same aged kids have to be a friend group. These are all adults.

+1

I agree with this. They’re not excluding her and it’s ok if they are there the socialize with each other. They’re not being rude, they are not being unkind. They’re saying hello they’re being nice, they're not obligated to have op join them.

They are in fact excluding her. That's the issue. No one is saying they need to include her at all times, but they can't be nice and inclusive for a short period of time at the freaking pool? That is weird.

+1. There’s a big difference between not being invited to a BBQ for the neighborhood clique at someone’s house and women not being able to be friendly and inclusive to a fellow parent and someone who has a kid that is friends with their kids at the neighborhood pool. OP isn’t asking to be included in their private events, but she should be treated kindly at the pool when she’s making an attempt to be friendly.

Also, it’s not just women - there are two fathers in my neighborhood who are just cliquey and awful. It’s like they’re trying to redo their high school years or something. DD is on the same sports team as one of their DCs, and it’ll always be the father bragging about hanging out with other people from our neighborhood and their parties to my DH and I. We literally live across the street from them, we don’t need the play by play of how socially “cool” they are with neighbors when they don’t ever invite us. It’s downright tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone is going to be your friend. That's just how it works.

OP is not a 7 year old

She knows this

She just wanted some neighborly social interaction and ran into a clique who just wanted to hang by themselves. Now she knows not to bother with them.

and they are rude. There is no reason they can't include her but there are too many women, particularly among the stay at home set, who get off on hurting other people. I moved into a neighborhood with a very mean clique of women who would intentionally invite new moms to their house and then ignore the new mom and their kids would ignore that woman's child. There were two moms who ran things who were just hateful and they expected their children to be treated like the queen bees they thought they were. I was so glad I had boys. They are awful to this day. They were mean to enough people that they and their kids were eventually excluded. It's all so nasty.

Yes, nasty is right. I joined a moms’ group when I moved to a different part of the DC area, and experienced something similar at the first play date I attended. Some moms were perfectly friendly, but a few asked oddly personal or loaded questions that made me feel like they enjoyed watching me squirm. I stuck with the group for a while because there were some normal, nice women there, but at some point learned that the mean clique was in fact “vetting” new members to see if they were worthy of hanging out with them. Their behavior was much meaner and more vindictive than any middle school clique.

[Anonymous]

This thread is fascinating. I see healthy, well adjusted, secure adults who recognize a friend group can exist as its own entity and not be hurt or bothered when they aren’t part of that friend group and then I see a bunch of adults who immediately pivot to “rude, petty, mean girl, bullying” blaming. I can guarantee you the first group is better received in real life social situations and happier overall without immediately resorting to ugly thoughts and self victimization because … another group of women is friends and want to talk to each other.

[Anonymous]

They are just not that into you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a classic clique to me. No reflection on you that they won’t let you in.

+1
They came to socialize only with each other.

Not ideal in a public neighborhood place, but it has nothing to do with you. Hopefully your other neighbors are more inviting

These women talk to OP at parties, get together, at the bus stop, and are perfectly polite to her. There’s no rule that says all people in the neighborhood with the same aged kids have to be a friend group. These are all adults.

+1

I agree with this. They’re not excluding her and it’s ok if they are there the socialize with each other. They’re not being rude, they are not being unkind. They’re saying hello they’re being nice, they're not obligated to have op join them.

It's tacky

DCUM obsessed so much about appearance and externals.

Really its behavior that makes someone classless.

What is tacky? By OP’s own admission she went over there and sat there and talked and hung out the whole time at the pool.

[Anonymous]

“The other day I took DS and his bestie to our neighborhood pool and sure enough all these moms show up with their kids. DS and his friend are happy to see their kids and all kids are playing in the pool. I decide to be friendly and join the group of 4 moms and they are nice to me but do not seem sincere. It was very awkward that they were talking amongst one another and not even including me when I was contributing to the conversation in a relevant manner. I am a very social person by nature and normally do not have problems joining new groups.”

So OP saw a prearranged group show up, sent her kid over play with those kids while she went over and barged in, sitting with the group and talking the whole time. And she is pouting now about not being included? I think they were nice enough. Mean would be saying something like, “Oh sorry Karen, we’re having a conversation here,” and waving you off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing these ladies see each other daily so it's easy for them to have a deeper friendship and have a natural repertoire amongst each other.

They see you here & there so conversation with you is pleasantries and no more.

It's not uncommon for the kids to be closer than the parents. And in a few years, when the kids don't need as much parent supervision, there's an organic demise of parental friendships.

+1

It doesn't sound intentional