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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Open marriage... can this work?
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Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for your responses. I am not a spouse in the open marriage but the recipient of some good sex from the husband in said relationship. He and I have been friends for a long time and were involved in our 20s (I am 40 now; he is 36). He and his wife decided that open marriage was right for them about a month ago.
Even before that decision was made, he rekindled things with me (about a year ago and we've seen each other about once a month since then). Now he's telling me that we are free to see each other but still have to be discreet (and she's free to see other men). I'm not telling our mutual friends about this, and neither is he. I know he's not "the one," but for various reasons I went without good sex for most of my 30s and now it just feels so great to be back with him. You will tell me I'm a fool, but I honestly think I can just keep this physical. He is, and will remain, a friend. I don't want his soul, just his body at this point. He helps to remind me I am sexy, and maybe I can use this as a launching point to "get back in the game," as it were. But what about him? He gets to have his cake and eat it too. So I just wanted to find out if their arrangement is sustainable. I guess time will tell. |
Anonymous
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Thought this might be pertinent to your situation:
http://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/currentissue/926-the-new-monogamy |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you... this is interesting. |
Anonymous
| My sister and her husband of 30+ years have an "open" marriage. They had a long-term 3-some and that worked for them for, well, a long time. Until they moved. Now i think it consists mostly of her making interesting conquests and relating it back to him in their own boudoir, to spice things up (She is much more attractive than he). People in DC are pretty conservative, especially on this board, so no shock re: the response here. Sounds like a gas! Have fun! PS - they have wonderful kids. They were very discreet and their kids know their parents are not exactly ordinary, I'm sure they would never suspect them of an open marriage. Because think of it- we always think of our parents as much straighter than they probably are/were. Just like our kids have no idea how hip *we* really are. |
Anonymous
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I think it would be hard to maintain, OP, but it is not really your problem. Catherine Newman, who wrote those wonderful Ben & Birdy posts on Babycenter several years ago, wrote an essay about why she wasn't married to Michael in the book The Bitch in the House. One of the topics she touched on was open marriage, and how they both believed in it, but with the kids and in practice it never really worked and always sounded like a better idea than it was in practice. However, you are not the person who really has to worry about what impact it has on the marriage other than to satisfy yourself that it is an open marriage and that he is not just cheating.
I don't think I could be in an open marriage, to be honest. Maybe it is because I don't run across many hot men, so even if I had the energy I haven't seen anyone capable of sweeping me off my feet in years.  I feel like somehow it would all inure to my DH's benefit and not mine.
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Anonymous
| Our neighbors dig it, but they're totally f-ed up. |
Anonymous
| Just divorce already and have your party nights on the days the kids are with the other parent. |
Anonymous
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OP you've gotten a lot of stupid, up tight responses. No shock.
Read Playboy - they have letters and articles from people for whom this kind of thing is not a big deal. It does work for some people. The only question is whether it will work for the individuals involved in THIS situation. I think this is an explosive enough issue that all involved would be well served by talking through their expectations in therapy - them, in couples therapy, you, with your own therapist. I'd be careful about accepting this man's assurances that it's OK - he's in an open marriage - unless you are somehow able to confirm that with the wife. Unless, of course, you don't really care.... |
Anonymous
| Don't expect any emotional support from this guy. Ever. |
Anonymous
| I assume the kids will never find out. But, OP my advise is not to do it. Just wipe the slat clean and start again. Trust there is a reason these things are not common place...and that reason is that they do not work. Best to you. |
Anonymous
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This is an extremely loaded question but has only become one in the last century or so, when our expectations for the marital union and things it is supposed to deliver have drastically changed. Now we want marriage to be a one-stop shop for best friendship, understanding, emotional support on tap, financial comforts, childrearing, and perhaps posing in AARP ads together at the end of it all. Do you realize how new this all is? Our standards for “good husband” or “good wife” or “good marriage” are historically a novelty. To figure out if open marriage can be happy, you’ll have to decide what a happy marriage means! Why do we get married?
A hundred years ago a man would have said he's happily married if he had a comfortable home, a good-natured wife and a socially acceptable number of children brought up in a socially acceptable manner. It did not occur to people to make their spouse' sexual prowess or emotional compatibility a sticking point because quite frankly, one did not get married for these things and they were not thought of as important for a functional marriage. You simply got these needs elsewhere, if so desired, and got on with it. Granted, men had vastly more freedom in doing so than women, but it was also not unheard of for women in educated/privileged classes in Europe to have special friends or lovers. The presence of lovers or mistresses in one’s life was not seen as a threat to the marriage; it was simply a place to get your non-marital needs met. Husbands and lovers, wives and mistresses did different jobs; no one expected one person to provide it all. One did not compete with another. Of course, that assumes that mistresses never became wives eventually, and truth be told, they seldom did. Of course, one had to be discreet, but it was understood as simply good manners. So what is your idea of an open marriage? Multiple homes and sets of children? Multiple parents? Probably won’t work. Multiple sexual partners? If your husband or wife did not marry you to be a single source of sexual pleasure, or indeed a source of sexual pleasure at all, why not? Multiple emotional attachments? Why not, as long as they exist in a different compartment of reality than your marriage? |
Anonymous
I was going to say to the PP, that's an open marriage of mutual beard-ing. Word on the street is that they both are gay. The marriage is all about the business of being this generation's Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis. |
Anonymous
Honey, you may want to dress up the terminology with phrases like "in an open marriage," but the bottom line is, you are nothing more than a good old-fashioned mistress to a selfish, cheating man. Clearly, you're already worried about his role in this. So yes, I will tell you that you are a fool. |
Anonymous
| P.S. How do you know that his wife agrees to this? You still have to be "discreet" about your encounters? mmmmhhhhhmmmmmm |
Anonymous
Well, 'open' is not something I'm looking for in a marriage, personally. So, no, it would not work with me as your life partner. I'm strictly monogomous. I like men who are the same. For me, monogamy is not a chore. I have sought out men who felt the same way, and married one. 
I do know people who are separated (after both had closeted affairs), live completely separate lives - including dating or partnering with non-spousal units -- yet are still married to each other. Basically, they are married on paper only. Works for them. That's as much as I know about 'open' relationships. |