Open marriage... can this work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for the kids. They're going to be so messed up. I don't think the marriage will last.

Don't see any reason why this should be the case. Do you tell your kids all about you and your spouse's sexual practices? If so, *that* is really going to mess them up. If not, why would someone in an open marriage share this info?

On the second point, the fact that *you* would be unhappy in such an arrangement probably means you wouldn't last in such an arrangement. How do you extrapolate that to everyone else's marriage? I find such solipsistic thinking odd.

[Anonymous]

One of my good friend always said she would never get married unless it could be an open marriage. She is not married but I don't know if that is part of the arrangement. . .

[Anonymous]

One other point that Dan Savage made is that no one ever hears about the successful open marriages, because everyone assumes they're "closed". Same way that, in America, "everyone's Christian"--or at least religious.

The sum of your assumptions do not constitute "reality."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

One more

Noun:twat [twæt tw?t] -Taboo slang

1. (Life Sciences & Allied Applications / Anatomy) the female genitals
2. a girl or woman considered sexually
3. a foolish or despicable person

You should have quit with “nuanced” when we just thought you were a rather verbose fool. Now we know you as a verbose fool who has also managed to make us slightly ill as well. Ick.

[Anonymous]

No kids? Fine, do as you please.

With kids in the mix, I'd be MUCH more hesitant to think about it. It's your obligation as parents to model the healthiest possible human relationships you can. Of course we all fail at doing this to some extent, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't continue to try.

You may have an open marriage, but to what extent? What level of honesty and disclosure are you expecting between one another while dating others? If you openly date in front of your spouse, will you hide it from the kids? Always, or until they are older? Are you OK with the kids' finding out someday, because it's very likely they will know something is going on.

What if you both dates the same night? Do you get a babysitter? Do you take weekends or vacations away with your bf or gf, leaving the spouse at home with the kids? Do you all go on a group vacation? Do you feel comfortable with these dates around your kids? Do you feel comfortable lying to your kids about where you are going? Do you feel comfortable with the money you expend on the dates that otherwise would be going toward family? What happens if you contract an STD from a date? What happens if a dating relationship ends badly and the other person freaks out on you? I doubt it's the most emotionally healthy folks out there who are waiting in line to date a married person.

What if this ultimately leads to divorce? Can the agreement, behavior, or anything else related to the open marriage be used against you in the divorce or regarding child custody?

[Anonymous]

God you people are uptight.

Except for poster who gave the 'twat' definition - that was funny.

By the way, to the PP who said that "only animals have indiscriminate partners," first of all, that is blatantly wrong, and you know nothing about animal biology to not know that animals absolutely have preferences (mainly the females) and discriminate. Do you not know about darwinian evolution?

Second of all, humans are animals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God you people are uptight.

Except for poster who gave the 'twat' definition - that was funny.

By the way, to the PP who said that "only animals have indiscriminate partners," first of all, that is blatantly wrong, and you know nothing about animal biology to not know that animals absolutely have preferences (mainly the females) and discriminate. Do you not know about darwinian evolution?

Second of all, humans are animals.

I was going to say the same thing. . .

[Anonymous]

I think Open Marriage would be sort of like Socialism. In theory, it's great. In practice, it involves humans, who are imperfect, and it wouldn't work as well as theory would suggest. I would think jealousy could be an issue. I know it would be for me. And yes, there would be the possibility of attachment to outsiders, in which case they might just be putting off the inevitable divorce. In theory, though, I do like the idea that the couple recognized that a marriage can have all sorts of wonderful things that don't necessarily include fidelity.

[Anonymous]

There have many numerous successful open marriages throughout history. The difference was in the expectations. People did not expect a spouse to satisfy every need for emotional and physical intimacy but continued to believe in the importance of marriage as a social institution.

It's not something I would personally ever consider but I think with the right people it could work. Will Smith, Jada Pinkett.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One other point that Dan Savage made is that no one ever hears about the successful open marriages, because everyone assumes they're "closed". Same way that, in America, "everyone's Christian"--or at least religious.

The sum of your assumptions do not constitute "reality."

Would be interesting to hear about a successful open marriage. I think OP is running a risk, though, because the marriage wasn't founded as an open marriage, which suggests that there is a danger that this arrangement is propping up something which is ultimately unworkable.

But who knows? I know that it wouldn't work for me. I suspect that at least some of the people involved in open marriages are really not being honest with themselves about what they're actually doing. But this pp makes a very good point -- if people are hiding their successful open marriages, it's hard to make a real judgment as to whether they work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There have many numerous successful open marriages throughout history. The difference was in the expectations. People did not expect a spouse to satisfy every need for emotional and physical intimacy but continued to believe in the importance of marriage as a social institution.

It's not something I would personally ever consider but I think with the right people it could work. Will Smith, Jada Pinkett.

Good point. Those were times when people married for economic reasons and didn't expect to marry their true love.
So what's the deal with Will Smith and Jada Pinkett?

[Anonymous]

I think Monogamy would be sort of like Socialism. In theory, it's great. In practice, it involves humans, who are imperfect, and it wouldn't work as well as theory would suggest. I would think sexual attraction could be an issue. I know it would be for me. And yes, there would be the possibility of attachment to outsiders, in which case they might just be putting off the inevitable divorce. In theory, though, I do like the idea that the couple recognized that a marriage can have all sorts of wonderful things like lifelong sexual exclusivity.

[Anonymous]

The word on the street is that Will Smith is gay. Big time.

[stpickrell]

Other problems will come up (heh) if one partner is significantly more attractive/charming than the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The word on the street is that Will Smith is gay. Big time.

Actually I heard they were swingers. And the rumor mill has it that a certain guy in my office, and his wife, are swingers too.

If it's purely sexual, and both parties consent, then I don't see the harm in it, if both partners have terms of agreement, veto power, and be able to keep emotions out of it. They would also need to be up front with potential partners (especially to avoid the 'crazies'). But unlike most animals (except dolphins maybe?), humans have sex for fun, not just reproduction. To me, that's the only difference. There are also plenty of 'mate for life' animals out there, so saying that marriage and fidelity is entirely human; well, it's not.

I can certainly see how it would be best in a kidless marriage; however, if both spouses are looking for a little spice, then in a discreet way it could easily be done. I mean, how many people are open with their kids about their sex life in the first place?