Do you call your kids beautiful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh, I don't tell them that they are good-looking or beautiful in a direct way. I will tell them that they are looking very good when they are well dressed or they have made me very proud with their accomplishments. So I praise the effort.

I do tell them that if they were ugly or slow, I would have found it very easy to put them in daycare, not breastfeed them and continue my career. Instead I became a happy SAHM because they were so worth it and such a joy to be with.

So the implication is that only ugly slow kids have working parents. Got it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try to avoid giving physical compliments.

When I was a kid I was told I was beautiful often. So much so I did child modeling.

Then I went through puberty and was not cute. The comments stopped. I noticed and it plummeted my self confidence.

Now I’m a slightly above average looking adult who still struggles deeply with self confidence. I find myself depending on compliments from those around me for self worth. I’m actually in therapy for it.

Perhaps an extreme example but I do avoid giving compliments like this.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

Though I think part of the problem there is that your parents stopped calling you beautiful when you went through puberty. That is cruel. Puberty is a hard time for most kids and generally a pretty awkward time physically. Your parents subconsciously sent the message to you that you'd been a beautiful kid but stopped being beautiful when you went through a hormonal change that is usually awkward for *most* kids.

They should have kept up telling you that you were beautiful, and helped you see the positives in your appearance even though the awkwardness of those years. They should have downplayed the normal awkwardness of the age (acne, braces, growth spurts that leave you looking kind of gangly before you really fill out, etc.) and continued to emphasize that they still saw beauty in you.

It can be really powerful for a person to hear they are still beautiful even when they don't look perfect. It took me a long time to learn that lesson because my mom was so critical of my acne when I was a kid -- even if I just had one pimple on my face, she'd zone in on it and obsess over it like it was the only thing she could see. So it became the only think I could see, and because I struggled with acne for over a decade, that was a tough time. Finally in my 30s I learned to stop caring so much when I met my husband and confessed how self conscious I felt when I had a zit and he was just like "omg who cares, everyone gets pimples, I don't even notice." And getting that validation for awhile helped me stop caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, I don't tell them that they are good-looking or beautiful in a direct way. I will tell them that they are looking very good when they are well dressed or they have made me very proud with their accomplishments. So I praise the effort.

I do tell them that if they were ugly or slow, I would have found it very easy to put them in daycare, not breastfeed them and continue my career. Instead I became a happy SAHM because they were so worth it and such a joy to be with.

So the implication is that only ugly slow kids have working parents. Got it!

If that's what you get out of it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not really. I did tell my DD she has pretty hair the other day, but I don’t usually say much about their physical appearance. That’s not an attribute they can control, like being kind, working hard, etc. Their grandparents say it, which I think is fine.

Actually it is within their control:
"Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve."
Coco Chanel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, I don't tell them that they are good-looking or beautiful in a direct way. I will tell them that they are looking very good when they are well dressed or they have made me very proud with their accomplishments. So I praise the effort.

I do tell them that if they were ugly or slow, I would have found it very easy to put them in daycare, not breastfeed them and continue my career. Instead I became a happy SAHM because they were so worth it and such a joy to be with.

You’re a monster

Agreed. What an awful thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really. I did tell my DD she has pretty hair the other day, but I don’t usually say much about their physical appearance. That’s not an attribute they can control, like being kind, working hard, etc. Their grandparents say it, which I think is fine.

Actually it is within their control:
"Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve."
Coco Chanel

Genes (and excess sun or smoking, if applicable) give you the face you have at 20, 30, 50 and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really. I did tell my DD she has pretty hair the other day, but I don’t usually say much about their physical appearance. That’s not an attribute they can control, like being kind, working hard, etc. Their grandparents say it, which I think is fine.

Actually it is within their control:
"Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve."
Coco Chanel

Lol. CC could be a real B at times but I agree with this. Turns out your mom was right -- keep making that face and eventually it will stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, I don't tell them that they are good-looking or beautiful in a direct way. I will tell them that they are looking very good when they are well dressed or they have made me very proud with their accomplishments. So I praise the effort.

I do tell them that if they were ugly or slow, I would have found it very easy to put them in daycare, not breastfeed them and continue my career. Instead I became a happy SAHM because they were so worth it and such a joy to be with.

You’re a monster

Agreed. What an awful thing to say.

Really? What double standards!

[Anonymous]

Occasionally, yes. It's not our main currency. I will definitely say they look nice if they've put a little effort into their appearance or are more dressed up than usual.

My parents also did not tell me this and I'm glad. It never occurred to me this was something other people were making a decision on me about until I was well into teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really. I did tell my DD she has pretty hair the other day, but I don’t usually say much about their physical appearance. That’s not an attribute they can control, like being kind, working hard, etc. Their grandparents say it, which I think is fine.

Actually it is within their control:
"Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve."
Coco Chanel

Genes (and excess sun or smoking, if applicable) give you the face you have at 20, 30, 50 and beyond.

The quote is about inner bueaty. Sorry you are intelligent enough to interpret that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I tell my girls they are. Along with that they are "kind, clever, worked hard, etc etc". It's not the only thing I notice.

+1 same. But I also emphasize that I am their mommy and see them through a different set of eyes. I don’t want them to think that everyone sees them as perfect as I do.

[Anonymous]

Yes, especially (mostly) when they have put effort into their appearance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to avoid giving physical compliments.

When I was a kid I was told I was beautiful often. So much so I did child modeling.

Then I went through puberty and was not cute. The comments stopped. I noticed and it plummeted my self confidence.

Now I’m a slightly above average looking adult who still struggles deeply with self confidence. I find myself depending on compliments from those around me for self worth. I’m actually in therapy for it.

Perhaps an extreme example but I do avoid giving compliments like this.

If your confidence is tied to external validation that’s unhealthy. Therapy maybe? To tell my good looking almost adult child that he’s handsome is not impacting his self esteem.

Can you read?

[Anonymous]

Yes I tell my kids they are good looking. I dont care if they actually are or not. But I see no harm in compliments.

[Anonymous]

I tell my cat he is the most handsome, adorable, gorgeous creature to walk the face of the earth, at least 10x a day. I do think it's gone ton his head a bit.