anyone regret taking a step back in their career for family?

[Anonymous]

Back to OP's original question. Yes, I have taken a lower level (slightly lower) position which offered more flexibility in order to make the family set-up work. My husband travels a lot for work, so I decided to take a job with no travel and predictable hours. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to NOT have made choices based on the family -- I know I'd be makign more money and I'd be in a more prestigious position by now. Instead, I have advanced a little, but not as much as I could have. I have lots of single friends who are at the top of their careers who have never had to make sacrifices for a spouse or child. However, I consider myself lucky, since I do have a family who needs me, and I feel lucky that I have found a way to "have it all" - ie, marriage, child, and career. Since I took this lower position, I dont' work weekends, and I am out of the office by 430 or 5 every day. I have much less stress in my life too. I think it would have been very difficult to stay in the demanding job and also feel like I was doing the right thing for DD. I have never been a SAHM, have always worked, but I have worked, as much as possible, on my terms (meaning, turned down positions that didn't give me the balance I wanted). I don't regret it. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

11:09 poster here. I'm sorry for going off on you, 10:35. I'm never rude like that (my husband might disagree!), but your remarks really struck a nerve. I see from your subsequent posts that this little girl really is in a lonely and potentially unsafe situation.

If you reread your original post absent the later details, you might perhaps agree that it sounds like you're blaming her developmental delays on poor mothering. While that could be the case, I'd still suggest that it's presumptuous. You only see her for a short part of the day and only outside, so you don't really know what her parents are doing with her most of the time.

And historically, developmental problems were often ignorantly blamed on poor mothering-- even as recently as the 1970's, autism was attributed to "cold" mothers. As you've probably figured out, my child has autistic type developmental issues and while we're lucky to have generally supportive families, we have met many other parents whose own parents blame them for their children's autism. It is a cruel, cruel attitude. As someone with multiple graduate degrees, it was unthinkable to me that I would have a nonverbal child. And it's impossible to wonder if there's something I could have done differently...

Finally, from personal experience I'll just add that it is really hard to parent a child with developmental delays, especially if they're non/low-verbal. Honestly, it can be really tedious and boring over the long haul. I did lots of intensive play therapy with my child everyday, but it does burn you out and you need to find pockets in the day to regroup. When my own husband would come home at the end of the day, he could be judgmental about my lack of enthusiasm but golly I was tired by 6pm. And depression is unfortunately common for parents of special needs children.

I have no idea about what's going on with your neighbor, but perhaps what you witness is more the result than the cause of the child's developmental delays.

Perhaps you could get to the know mother a little better. Maybe she needs a friend-- or just a friendly contact-- in the neighborhood.

Again, I apologize for my original tone and expression.

My best to you.

[Anonymous]

This has now turned into SAHM vs. WOHM-and not the intention of this thread.

I'm sick and tired of this debate over which mom is better! It's a ridiculous debate, we all make decisions, and have to live with them. I'm sure to the SAHM, working moms are selfish. To us working mothers, we might be the type who needs just a little something for ourselves. It doesn't make us worse mothers. I really don't care what anyone thinks, just be a mother to your children! We'll never see eye to eye on this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11:09 poster here. I'm sorry for going off on you, 10:35. I'm never rude like that (my husband might disagree!), but your remarks really struck a nerve. I see from your subsequent posts that this little girl really is in a lonely and potentially unsafe situation.

If you reread your original post absent the later details, you might perhaps agree that it sounds like you're blaming her developmental delays on poor mothering. While that could be the case, I'd still suggest that it's presumptuous. You only see her for a short part of the day and only outside, so you don't really know what her parents are doing with her most of the time.

And historically, developmental problems were often ignorantly blamed on poor mothering-- even as recently as the 1970's, autism was attributed to "cold" mothers. As you've probably figured out, my child has autistic type developmental issues and while we're lucky to have generally supportive families, we have met many other parents whose own parents blame them for their children's autism. It is a cruel, cruel attitude. As someone with multiple graduate degrees, it was unthinkable to me that I would have a nonverbal child. And it's impossible to wonder if there's something I could have done differently...

Finally, from personal experience I'll just add that it is really hard to parent a child with developmental delays, especially if they're non/low-verbal. Honestly, it can be really tedious and boring over the long haul. I did lots of intensive play therapy with my child everyday, but it does burn you out and you need to find pockets in the day to regroup. When my own husband would come home at the end of the day, he could be judgmental about my lack of enthusiasm but golly I was tired by 6pm. And depression is unfortunately common for parents of special needs children.

I have no idea about what's going on with your neighbor, but perhaps what you witness is more the result than the cause of the child's developmental delays.

Perhaps you could get to the know mother a little better. Maybe she needs a friend-- or just a friendly contact-- in the neighborhood.

Again, I apologize for my original tone and expression.

My best to you.

I agree with you 100% and I am in the same boat, my son is autistic as well. *hugs*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the 10:35 poster. My comment was not meant to accuse ALL SAHMs of being lazy. It was to address the poster who said working moms value their jobs more than their kids. Please. Just because one is a SAHM does not imply that you are so attentive and lovey-dovey and that ALL working moms have their values elsewhere and not on their kids.

In the case of the neighborhood girl, she's only 4 years old, and she has NO supervision. If her father were a Stay at Home Dad, I'd point that out. I'm pointing out that the stay at home parent is not attentive, to her development or to her safety.

In the middle of the day, I go home and see her on the sidewalk ALL ALONE. Nobody in earshot if she needed help.

Flame, flame, flame.

I dare say that there's something else going on there. Mom with emotional problems, severe depression perhaps? Not the best example to cite to prove any truism about SAHMs.

I agree. It's a very random observation. I could come up with a dozen examples of children in my neighborhood who are ignored by their nannies every day at the park. Many are not well-adjusted socially. Many have vocabularies that are behind those of the children whose moms/nannies talk to them all day. Several sit and whine at their play group for hours asking for their mothers. Finding ONE child whose moms doesn't seem to be around too much is not an accurate portrayal at all of SAHMs. It's an anomaly.