How to dial it back with spoiled teen?

[Anonymous]

My kid is spoiled, don't get me wrong.

But some of the things we do are:
- model behavior: for example my husband thanks me for dinner every night. so my kid thanks us both for stuff too pretty consistently
- your mileage may vary but we have never had a maid or cleaner or yard help. we are higher income and both work but even with a teen our houses have been under 3000sf. We clean them. Our kid helps, with yard work too. when they go to college maybe I'll get help. But for now, this is about as close to good old middle class values we can do, and we CAN do that. My kid rakes leaves, cleans toilets, and cooks (which they enjoy). They complain probably less than I do about the yardwork. They have boatloads of free time.
- talk openly about restrictions. If you have them. "Hey we are not taking a big vacation this year because we spent money on X." "Let's talk about the colleges you can apply to, and what we have to do to make that happen" etc... This starts to give perspective. Our teen is slowly finding out car insurance costs money, our contractors workers don't have company cards for lunch, and stuff like that. They need empathy but without substantive discussion and some exposure they won't develop that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d sit her down and explain she is on her way to adulthood, and needs to start paying for treats and doing chores. If no, then she pays someone else to do chores. She can get a job at 14.

I strongly believe a kid who isn't working to pay for their own data plan is not mature enough for a smart phone.

I would assign chores with allowance. You buy her the essentials, any extra she has to work for.

Stop folding her laundry! Dont make her a snack unless she politely asks, don't hand it to her until she says thank you

I strongly believe that everyone’s situation is different. I strongly believe that my teen actually has more on his plate than my spouse and I do, so forcing paid employment on top of that just to make a point is… stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say, “This is when you look at me and say thank you,” and then wait until she does it. You reply, “You’re welcome” or “My pleasure” or whatever.

Also it is time to start her with more responsibilities around the house. It’s hard to appreciate things you’ve never done yourself.

This is just not the way to handle it at all.

Worked for my kid. He’s 19 now and very polite and helpful. I teach my kindergarteners to say please and thank you and look at others in the eyes when they speak. Basic manners aren’t being taught in most homes anymore. It only takes a second or two.

[Anonymous]

I have a 17yo DS - most of the time he says please and thank you. And he often gives me a big hug and tells me I’m a good mom and appreciates all I do for him. I’m a single mom and he’s an only child. He is pretty spoiled but appreciates it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say, “This is when you look at me and say thank you,” and then wait until she does it. You reply, “You’re welcome” or “My pleasure” or whatever.

Also it is time to start her with more responsibilities around the house. It’s hard to appreciate things you’ve never done yourself.

This is just not the way to handle it at all.

Worked for my kid. He’s 19 now and very polite and helpful. I teach my kindergarteners to say please and thank you and look at others in the eyes when they speak. Basic manners aren’t being taught in most homes anymore. It only takes a second or two.

You can teach manners without that belittling tone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say, “This is when you look at me and say thank you,” and then wait until she does it. You reply, “You’re welcome” or “My pleasure” or whatever.

Also it is time to start her with more responsibilities around the house. It’s hard to appreciate things you’ve never done yourself.

This is just not the way to handle it at all.

Worked for my kid. He’s 19 now and very polite and helpful. I teach my kindergarteners to say please and thank you and look at others in the eyes when they speak. Basic manners aren’t being taught in most homes anymore. It only takes a second or two.

You can teach manners without that belittling tone.

It’s not belittling. You are telling them what to say in the situation until they start saying it on their own.

[Anonymous]

I recently had a conversation with my 16 year old son about being better with please and thank you. I explained to him that he might not care if someone says p/t to him, but it can really make a difference for someone who values basic manors. I explained love languages and how some people prefer gift giving vs words of affirmation. Teens are in tunnel vision, they don't realize how selfish and terrible they can sound. So making them aware that they need to think about how their words and actions affect others might help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say, “This is when you look at me and say thank you,” and then wait until she does it. You reply, “You’re welcome” or “My pleasure” or whatever.

Also it is time to start her with more responsibilities around the house. It’s hard to appreciate things you’ve never done yourself.

This is just not the way to handle it at all.

Worked for my kid. He’s 19 now and very polite and helpful. I teach my kindergarteners to say please and thank you and look at others in the eyes when they speak. Basic manners aren’t being taught in most homes anymore. It only takes a second or two.

You can teach manners without that belittling tone.

It’s not belittling. You are telling them what to say in the situation until they start saying it on their own.

Try being on the other end

[Anonymous]

She is stressed, 13 is hard, give her some grace and find good moments to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

You can’t demand that she feel any particular way but you can certainly work on manners. Getting offended over someone not having the manners you want is the wrong way. Just cheerfully remind her to say thanks and also make sure you are modeling saying thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Whew, thank you all for bringing me down from the ledge on this. I’m relieved to see this is typical, even normal behavior at this age. I will do as suggested and add an enthusiastic “thanks, mom” whenever she doesn’t, and continue leading by example when someone does something special for me.

Make sure you also show appreciation when she doesn something special! My 12 year old used his vacation souvenir allowance to buy me a little souvenir he knew I would like. You better believe I was effusively happy!