How to dial it back with spoiled teen?

[Anonymous]

It’s our own fault, but I think we’ve created an unappreciative teen. She’s 13. We’ve gotten to the point where she doesn’t appreciate and almost expects things, whether it be someone folding her laundry for her (she typically does it, but if someone else does it, she doesn’t act grateful), or a special Starbucks treat, or someone making her a snack (again, something she typical does for herself, but acts less than appreciative when someone does it for her.)

Cold turkey? Is it sanctimonious to have a coming to Jesus talk with her, like, you’ve been unappreciative so we are not going to be going out of our way to do special things for you anymore? Help!

[Anonymous]

What does "less than appreciative" look like?

[Anonymous]

Sounds pretty normal, to be honest. I’ll be the first to jump all over parents who materially spoil their teens. But not acting appreciative for laundry folding or snack making? My 13 year old is the same. I just shrug it off. As long as he’s not being a brat about it, I don’t expect effusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

I’d sit her down and explain she is on her way to adulthood, and needs to start paying for treats and doing chores. If no, then she pays someone else to do chores. She can get a job at 14.

[Anonymous]

To me it depends how far down the road you are here in terms of your relationship with her. With my oldest one, I can handle this in a light joking way.

"Thanks for folding my laundry mom!" And then he will get it and say thank you.

If you're really getting major attitude and nothing, then I would say tell her to say it and coach her to say it in the moment. "Please thank me after I've made you a snack." And then wait for her to do it. You can't force the feeling, but you can sure as hell coach the idea that this is how people with manners behave. It will sink in even if in the moment she's resisting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me it depends how far down the road you are here in terms of your relationship with her. With my oldest one, I can handle this in a light joking way.

"Thanks for folding my laundry mom!" And then he will get it and say thank you.

If you're really getting major attitude and nothing, then I would say tell her to say it and coach her to say it in the moment. "Please thank me after I've made you a snack." And then wait for her to do it. You can't force the feeling, but you can sure as hell coach the idea that this is how people with manners behave. It will sink in even if in the moment she's resisting.

Also, model it in your home with your spouse and out in the world with everyone you interact with. When they are teens, it can feel like they're not seeing anything or getting it but they are.

[Anonymous]

I'm a very polite person and dutiful daughter. As a teen, I don't think I would have ever thanked my mom for any of this. Of course, now as a mom I realize everything she did for me and I am grateful! But teens are typically pretty self centered. I feel like things are going well when I say I'll walk the dog and then one of my kids go "No, I'll do it!", or they text me when out and ask if I want a coffee. But on a daily basis, they act like your dd for sure and do take things for granted.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP above who said to model the behavior. I think we are all in the same boat with spoiled teens - "oh, you need something for school? Ok, just ordered on Amazon it will be here tomorrow."

But every time my husband cooks dinner, I thank him for cooking and tell him how much I appreciate it. I ask my teen to pick up her clothes, she does it begrudgingly, but I still thank her for doing it. I am always expressing my appreciation for anything done for me and also expressing my gratefulness for everyting we have.
My teen now will also thank us for cooking. It works!

[Anonymous]

She’s 13 and completely capable of doing her own laundry and making a snack. If she wants Starbucks, she can buy it with her own money. It’s overpriced junk.

[Anonymous]

It’s time to start handing back some of her own individual and family chores to her. Definitely thank and praise when completed well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s 13 and completely capable of doing her own laundry and making a snack. If she wants Starbucks, she can buy it with her own money. It’s overpriced junk.

Very, very insightful, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s our own fault, but I think we’ve created an unappreciative teen. She’s 13. We’ve gotten to the point where she doesn’t appreciate and almost expects things, whether it be someone folding her laundry for her (she typically does it, but if someone else does it, she doesn’t act grateful), or a special Starbucks treat, or someone making her a snack (again, something she typical does for herself, but acts less than appreciative when someone does it for her.)

Cold turkey? Is it sanctimonious to have a coming to Jesus talk with her, like, you’ve been unappreciative so we are not going to be going out of our way to do special things for you anymore? Help!

Hmmm. This is pretty normal. They are the center of their world right now. I don't think a come to Jesus talk is really necessary. I also don't hang things over my kids heads expecting thanks or acknowledgement.

[Anonymous]

People telling the OP to do it herself...you're not getting the point of the post. In a family, we all end up doing things for each other at times. How do we treat each other when we do it. Agree with model the behavior and prompt the appropriate reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People telling the OP to do it herself...you're not getting the point of the post. In a family, we all end up doing things for each other at times. How do we treat each other when we do it. Agree with model the behavior and prompt the appropriate reaction.

Sorry meant telling the OP to tell the kid to do everything herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s our own fault, but I think we’ve created an unappreciative teen. She’s 13. We’ve gotten to the point where she doesn’t appreciate and almost expects things, whether it be someone folding her laundry for her (she typically does it, but if someone else does it, she doesn’t act grateful), or a special Starbucks treat, or someone making her a snack (again, something she typical does for herself, but acts less than appreciative when someone does it for her.)

Cold turkey? Is it sanctimonious to have a coming to Jesus talk with her, like, you’ve been unappreciative so we are not going to be going out of our way to do special things for you anymore? Help!

Hmmm. This is pretty normal. They are the center of their world right now. I don't think a come to Jesus talk is really necessary. I also don't hang things over my kids heads expecting thanks or acknowledgement.

It's not hanging anything over anyone's heads. It's basic manners. Just say thanks.