Ten-year-old boys -- mind blown

[Anonymous]

In the mid 80s everything changed from the movie about Adam Walsh and parents freaked out. The play date was invented, helicopter parenting and observation of all activity, seat belt laws, helmet laws, participation trophies..

Bubble wrapping the road and life instead of preparing to travel the road. It’s led to fertility collapsing and general misery.

[Anonymous]

I have older kids now, but I can remember kids of both genders being all over the spectrum with those kinds of things at that age. I never judged. You just never know what is going with other kids, parents, families, etc. Just be gracious if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, parenting has gone downhill, a lot. Screens and complacent and/or lazy parents. This sums it up.

My son is 12 now, and was never like this. Several friends were though. I wouldn’t say all, but most. He does have a couple friends with great manners, even when younger.

I grew up as a latch key kid. Watched a ton of tv, so I don't think it's all screens that's the problem. But, my parents were pretty strict when it came to certain behaviors, and I would get slapped if I back talked.

I'm no t advocating for that kind of parenting, obviously. But, it doesn't have to be all "gentle" parenting vs abusive parenting. There can be a middle ground. The hardest part of disciplining is following through with consequences because, let's face it, half the time following through with that consequence is hard for the parent, too.

-gen x parent of teens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, parenting has gone downhill, a lot. Screens and complacent and/or lazy parents. This sums it up.

My son is 12 now, and was never like this. Several friends were though. I wouldn’t say all, but most. He does have a couple friends with great manners, even when younger.

I grew up as a latch key kid. Watched a ton of tv, so I don't think it's all screens that's the problem. But, my parents were pretty strict when it came to certain behaviors, and I would get slapped if I back talked.

I'm no t advocating for that kind of parenting, obviously. But, it doesn't have to be all "gentle" parenting vs abusive parenting. There can be a middle ground. The hardest part of disciplining is following through with consequences because, let's face it, half the time following through with that consequence is hard for the parent, too.

-gen x parent of teens

Oh man, if you’re equating Tv in the 80s to iPads and the internet now, you’re missing a lot. There is a lot of research out there about how different the impact of cable TV in a den is vs. video games, YouTube, social media, etc.

I say this as someone who watch hours of TV daily as a kid, worked in network tv, and then shifted over to tech. It’s like comparing riding a donkey to airplane travel and saying they’re the same.

[Anonymous]

I’m a teacher and I totally agree that behavior issues are at an all-time high. But I often can’t tell exactly how gentle parenting fits into this. The very worst behaviors are from kids who get mostly ignored by their parents and sometimes beaten. You wouldn’t believe what kids tell us about (discipline from their parents that is unfortunately legal).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re part of the problem OP if you’re not correcting their behavior.

Maybe reread the part where it talks about repeatedly correcting the behavior.

That’s not a consequence though. It would be like a cop telling you repeatedly to stop speeding. The ticket is the consequence that ends the behavior.

In this example, I would’ve taken the child home and ended the fun with friends.

I think being reprimanded in front of friends is a consequence. Because it's unpleasant. Or if it delays any more fun activity.


If it doesn't change the undesired behavior (and prevent it in the future), it isn't the right consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re part of the problem OP if you’re not correcting their behavior.

Maybe reread the part where it talks about repeatedly correcting the behavior.

That’s not a consequence though. It would be like a cop telling you repeatedly to stop speeding. The ticket is the consequence that ends the behavior.

In this example, I would’ve taken the child home and ended the fun with friends.

I think being reprimanded in front of friends is a consequence. Because it's unpleasant. Or if it delays any more fun activity.


If it doesn't change the undesired behavior (and prevent it in the future), it isn't the right consequence.

No, it's a starter consequence and if it doesn't work, you move up the ladder of consequences. But it has the benefit of being not nothing, and allows you to re-teach the expectation. Some kids need more repetition to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your expectations are too high

Especially for fourth grade boys! Good Lord.

I have a rising 4th grade boy too. No, OP’s expectations aren’t too high! She expects kids to take dishes to sink, accept a no when they hear one from a friend’s parent, and not take gum without asking and leave wrappers all over the house. How is that having too high expectations?!

9-10 year old boys should be perfectly capable and willing (esp w a friend’s parent) to listen to adults and follow basic instructions and basic manners/courtesies.

If you truly don’t think a 4th grader can do this then you are certainly part of the problem: a parent who doesn’t teach their kids any manners and winds up w unruly, disrespectful and inconsiderate kids who turn into rude and inconsiderate adults.

[Anonymous]

My sons are older now, but I can remember telling them to say please and thank you and listen to Larlo’s mom. If the mom likes you, you will be invited back!

[Anonymous]

OP you sound super uptight. The behaviors you describe sound mildly annoying at worst. Nothing remotely bad.

It’s ridiculous to expect perfection from a bunch of kids who are just trying to have fun with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re part of the problem OP if you’re not correcting their behavior.

Maybe reread the part where it talks about repeatedly correcting the behavior.

That’s not a consequence though. It would be like a cop telling you repeatedly to stop speeding. The ticket is the consequence that ends the behavior.

In this example, I would’ve taken the child home and ended the fun with friends.

I think being reprimanded in front of friends is a consequence. Because it's unpleasant. Or if it delays any more fun activity.


If it doesn't change the undesired behavior (and prevent it in the future), it isn't the right consequence.

Sometimes it takes more than once. But the point of the public reprimand is that it's a bit embarrassing. It can be very effective with kids who show off by acting out, or kids who are riled up. It totally kills the mood and makes the kid look bad in front of peers. It isn't the right consequence for kids who have other motivations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a rising 4th grader and there is something distinctly wrong with the boys in her grade at her private school and her age in the neighborhood (two very different groups). They are noticeably different from the boys in younger and older cohorts. I grew up in a house of brothers and boy cousins and cannot believe what I see now. I would not hesitate to describe them as absolute little sh-ts.

I know it’s a theory that’s been beaten to death but I really do believe that parents of this age of kids (prek and then K during the pandemic) basically gave boys iPads and video games in 2020 and disappeared from their lives except to pop up at competitive sports events. And now those same parents chuckle at it from a distance like their kids are just cute naughty toddlers, not 9 and 10 year old boys swearing, getting angry about anything even remotely competitive that they don’t win, and using homophobic and misogynistic language. School can’t do anything and parents won’t do anything, and it’s really hard for a “village” of coaches, neighbors and friends to push back when so many parents are complicit or complacent.

And if this was the behavior OP was subjected to she’d have a point. But OP’s complaints are just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I have a 9 year old son and 7 year old daughter and see this behavior from both their friends/peers:

Not listening, directly disobeying, back talking, asking over and over for something after being told no, sneaking things they’ve been told they can’t have. They both have certain friends that I refuse to invite over to our house or drive carpool for any more because these kids are so rude and don’t listen.

I don’t think true gentle parenting is the problem, it’s permissive/hands off parenting (these are NOT the same thing). Gentle parenting is being kind and patient w kids while still having standards and expectations for behavior but taking the time to explain expectations gently (but firmly) and teach kids how to behave. Permissive parenting, which I think is often employed by my kids’ peers, would be letting kids do whatever without consequence.

[Anonymous]

This is probably pandemic related. Kids missed out on years of social learning expectations. Maybe don't invite back the repeat offenders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a rising 4th grader and there is something distinctly wrong with the boys in her grade at her private school and her age in the neighborhood (two very different groups). They are noticeably different from the boys in younger and older cohorts. I grew up in a house of brothers and boy cousins and cannot believe what I see now. I would not hesitate to describe them as absolute little sh-ts.

I know it’s a theory that’s been beaten to death but I really do believe that parents of this age of kids (prek and then K during the pandemic) basically gave boys iPads and video games in 2020 and disappeared from their lives except to pop up at competitive sports events. And now those same parents chuckle at it from a distance like their kids are just cute naughty toddlers, not 9 and 10 year old boys swearing, getting angry about anything even remotely competitive that they don’t win, and using homophobic and misogynistic language. School can’t do anything and parents won’t do anything, and it’s really hard for a “village” of coaches, neighbors and friends to push back when so many parents are complicit or complacent.

I think you may have your ages wrong, but I agree. 10 years old today were in k or 1 during the pandemic. From what I've heard and seen the kids who were in Pk during the pandemic now about 6-7 or rising 2nd and youngger are back to normal behavior wise because they were able to receive at least a little of pk before kindergarten.