Do you think people on a budget are less generous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was accused of being cheap once because I wanted separate checks at dinner. I’m not sure how splitting a check would have been better.

I once went out with a group of women where we each ordered an entree and I ordered 2-3 appetizers. Every single person ate the appetizers. When the bill came, one women split the bill and charged only me for the appetizers. I remember having a bbq or some gathering a week later and I didn’t invite the woman who stuck me with paying for the appetizers. It was less about the money and more about the principle. Other women said they ate the appetizers and would chip in. I thought it was ridiculous. Never had that happen in my 40 years.

I have gone out to eat in groups since high school. The person who says they didn’t eat the shrimp appetizer or whatever is annoying.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, the least generous people are often rich!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like this is a you issue. Things should not be tit for tat OP. I don't expect reciprocity for my generosity.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should think on the reasons why your friends are not reciprocating and maybe lower your expectations (I am finding that I need to do this very thing with people nowadays). Maybe there is something you did or said that has prompted them to pump their breaks on getting closer to you (Personally, I would not host anyone in my home that I don’t trust or who has shady or weird energy). Or maybe they would prefer to repay you in other ways, but you insist on controlling the way the repayment happens. You may need to take a breath from being so frustrated and realize that people have different love languages that may not match yours. Don’t jump to conclusions without analyzing or asking the right questions.

[Anonymous]

I think poorer people are generally far more generous. I do think there is a personality element as well. Some people are givers, some are takers, some are keepers. I don’t think it’s about budget. It’s about an attitude of sharing / caring.

[Anonymous]

Idk, we budget but we include a line item of moments of generosity into the budget. I think it’s a sign of how certain places have spawned a low social cohesion, low sense of hospitality, highly individualistic culture.

I live in a place where people fight to pay the bill. Where I used to live (DMV) had people fighting over whose bill the quesadillas should go on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was accused of being cheap once because I wanted separate checks at dinner. I’m not sure how splitting a check would have been better.

I once went out with a group of women where we each ordered an entree and I ordered 2-3 appetizers. Every single person ate the appetizers. When the bill came, one women split the bill and charged only me for the appetizers. I remember having a bbq or some gathering a week later and I didn’t invite the woman who stuck me with paying for the appetizers. It was less about the money and more about the principle. Other women said they ate the appetizers and would chip in. I thought it was ridiculous. Never had that happen in my 40 years.

I have gone out to eat in groups since high school. The person who says they didn’t eat the shrimp appetizer or whatever is annoying.

Did you ask them if they wanted appetizers, or did you just order?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was accused of being cheap once because I wanted separate checks at dinner. I’m not sure how splitting a check would have been better.

I once went out with a group of women where we each ordered an entree and I ordered 2-3 appetizers. Every single person ate the appetizers. When the bill came, one women split the bill and charged only me for the appetizers. I remember having a bbq or some gathering a week later and I didn’t invite the woman who stuck me with paying for the appetizers. It was less about the money and more about the principle. Other women said they ate the appetizers and would chip in. I thought it was ridiculous. Never had that happen in my 40 years.

I have gone out to eat in groups since high school. The person who says they didn’t eat the shrimp appetizer or whatever is annoying.

Did you ask them if they wanted appetizers, or did you just order?

I didn’t ask if they wanted to share and split the cost if that is what you are asking.

I have gone out to eat for decades and that was the first time anyone has done that. I would only have ordered one for myself if not sharing with others. I can’t eat 3 appetizers by myself.

It was not an expensive place. I want to say everyone paid $20 and then I paid $50.

[Anonymous]

I have been on budget most of my life. I'm probably cheaper when I write down on paper. I'm also cheaper when I have to spend money I physically worked for vs investments.
I don't do cheap in public. I'd rather stay home. Maybe your friends get asked out too often and can't really afford all the gatherings.

[Anonymous]

You may overestimate how much money they have.

A lot of my friends think I make a lot more money than I do. We are on a very tight budget and actually planning a move out of the DMV because cost of living is so high here. We are extremely austere in our personal spending. We also have some problems in our extended family that put a financial strain on us.

We do try to reciprocate as much as we can. We host in a limited fashion (like one family a month or so, no parties, we cook ourselves). We pick up the tab when we can. But many of our friends are much healthier. Many have families who give them money, helped them buy homes, pay for vacations. For them, picking up a bar tab is NBD. For us it means we have to cut back somewhere else.

I would rather either (1) not be friends with someone, or (2) be friends but everyone pays for themselves always, than be friends with someone who is going to get mad if they treat me and I don't reciprocate to the exact same level. Because otherwise it means my friends can dictate how much money I spend, and I don't think I can afford that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may overestimate how much money they have.

A lot of my friends think I make a lot more money than I do. We are on a very tight budget and actually planning a move out of the DMV because cost of living is so high here. We are extremely austere in our personal spending. We also have some problems in our extended family that put a financial strain on us.

We do try to reciprocate as much as we can. We host in a limited fashion (like one family a month or so, no parties, we cook ourselves). We pick up the tab when we can. But many of our friends are much healthier. Many have families who give them money, helped them buy homes, pay for vacations. For them, picking up a bar tab is NBD. For us it means we have to cut back somewhere else.

I would rather either (1) not be friends with someone, or (2) be friends but everyone pays for themselves always, than be friends with someone who is going to get mad if they treat me and I don't reciprocate to the exact same level. Because otherwise it means my friends can dictate how much money I spend, and I don't think I can afford that.

No one is asking for you to reciprocate at the same level.

I was annoyed and peeved when I wrote this post. I’m over it now.

I have a childhood friend who is very generous with others and has never done anything for me in decades. I married well and she is divorced. I think it bothers me that she is generous to others and not me. I guess she has too many people to be generous to so I am last on her list and she knows I have a rich husband.

The other friend is just kind of rude, always accepting and never giving. I will just always split checks with her. It is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was accused of being cheap once because I wanted separate checks at dinner. I’m not sure how splitting a check would have been better.

I once went out with a group of women where we each ordered an entree and I ordered 2-3 appetizers. Every single person ate the appetizers. When the bill came, one women split the bill and charged only me for the appetizers. I remember having a bbq or some gathering a week later and I didn’t invite the woman who stuck me with paying for the appetizers. It was less about the money and more about the principle. Other women said they ate the appetizers and would chip in. I thought it was ridiculous. Never had that happen in my 40 years.

I have gone out to eat in groups since high school. The person who says they didn’t eat the shrimp appetizer or whatever is annoying.

Did you ask them if they wanted appetizers, or did you just order?

I didn’t ask if they wanted to share and split the cost if that is what you are asking.

I have gone out to eat for decades and that was the first time anyone has done that. I would only have ordered one for myself if not sharing with others. I can’t eat 3 appetizers by myself.

It was not an expensive place. I want to say everyone paid $20 and then I paid $50.

This is so weird. Why would you order appetizers without asking people if they want to share? The usual implication is that if you order it and you offer it to others, you are still paying. Did you expect everyone to chip $2 for eating a shrimp? Odd.

[Anonymous]

Its personality. My dad has always been generous and he doesn’t have the money to do so. My old boss was the VP and earned the most in our department. She would volunteer to bring napkins for our staff parties, every time. While others were bringing caterers or home cooked dishes. Napkins. Every time.

You don’t know someone’s finances. My spouse and I did not come from family money and still have massive educational loans to repay. If someone offers to pay for something I always try to reciprocate, but we don’t have it in our budget to pick up the tab of a fancy dinner for a lot of friends and a lot of alcohol.

If you don’t want to treat, stop treating. It’s as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was accused of being cheap once because I wanted separate checks at dinner. I’m not sure how splitting a check would have been better.

I once went out with a group of women where we each ordered an entree and I ordered 2-3 appetizers. Every single person ate the appetizers. When the bill came, one women split the bill and charged only me for the appetizers. I remember having a bbq or some gathering a week later and I didn’t invite the woman who stuck me with paying for the appetizers. It was less about the money and more about the principle. Other women said they ate the appetizers and would chip in. I thought it was ridiculous. Never had that happen in my 40 years.

I have gone out to eat in groups since high school. The person who says they didn’t eat the shrimp appetizer or whatever is annoying.

Did you ask them if they wanted appetizers, or did you just order?

I didn’t ask if they wanted to share and split the cost if that is what you are asking.

I have gone out to eat for decades and that was the first time anyone has done that. I would only have ordered one for myself if not sharing with others. I can’t eat 3 appetizers by myself.

It was not an expensive place. I want to say everyone paid $20 and then I paid $50.

Super weird not to say “should we get a few apps for the table? What about the shrimp, crab dip and tartare?” Or something like that if you are ordering for the group. I would always ask for input and not just order my favorites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care?

Because it is starting to annoy me after always paying and never being even offered after years or decades.

Then stop paying!