Do you think people on a budget are less generous?

[Anonymous]

If your idea of treating someone is that they should at some point treat you back, why don't you just split the bill to begin with?

If you are treating, it's like gifting, you are doing it without the expectation of reciprocity.

I come from a culture where fighting over the bill is the norm and I personally find it annoying. Growing up, my parents would "treat" others in the tradition of "saving face" but then grumble back home about whether those people should have "fought harder" for the bill. It's dumb. Just split the bill.

[Anonymous]

I also know one can be generous in many ways, not just financial. These people aren’t generous with time, favors, etc either.

Another old friend I have paid for and treated for decades. I always made more and Dh earns a lot. She is pretty generous with others but never with me. I feel when she is with me, she tries to take advantage, like ordering the most expensive things on the menu, taking food to go, etc. I used to not mind or try not to care but I am starting to care.

[Anonymous]

I don’t enjoy hosting. Our house is small, and people are slobs. I will come when invited, I’ll even pay for dinner out, but I won’t host, sorry!

[Anonymous]

I grew up in an extremely poor neighborhood with poor parents who - through weird circumstances - became rich and moved. I went to an expensive private school and university. IME poor people are almost always more generous, with a lot of things. My poorer friend is always giving us home cooked food, little toys for the kids, offering to babysit. UMC friends are always Venmo-requesting splits and looking for pennies. I love people who are generous in their souls. They are so, so rare. When you meet someone who just gives freely, without expecting anything, it is the most beautiful thing to me. I wish I had that gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your idea of treating someone is that they should at some point treat you back, why don't you just split the bill to begin with?

If you are treating, it's like gifting, you are doing it without the expectation of reciprocity.

I come from a culture where fighting over the bill is the norm and I personally find it annoying. Growing up, my parents would "treat" others in the tradition of "saving face" but then grumble back home about whether those people should have "fought harder" for the bill. It's dumb. Just split the bill.

We do split the bill but if someone has treated you 50+ times, don’t you feel you should reach for the bill even once?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your idea of treating someone is that they should at some point treat you back, why don't you just split the bill to begin with?

If you are treating, it's like gifting, you are doing it without the expectation of reciprocity.

I come from a culture where fighting over the bill is the norm and I personally find it annoying. Growing up, my parents would "treat" others in the tradition of "saving face" but then grumble back home about whether those people should have "fought harder" for the bill. It's dumb. Just split the bill.

We do split the bill but if someone has treated you 50+ times, don’t you feel you should reach for the bill even once?

If the treating reciprocity mattered that much to me, I would have stopped treating at about the 3rd or 4th time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in an extremely poor neighborhood with poor parents who - through weird circumstances - became rich and moved. I went to an expensive private school and university. IME poor people are almost always more generous, with a lot of things. My poorer friend is always giving us home cooked food, little toys for the kids, offering to babysit. UMC friends are always Venmo-requesting splits and looking for pennies. I love people who are generous in their souls. They are so, so rare. When you meet someone who just gives freely, without expecting anything, it is the most beautiful thing to me. I wish I had that gift.

I also grew up in a humble household. My mom would offer everything we had if someone came over. I was also treated a lot as a child, probably because we didn’t have much.

[Anonymous]

on a budget

What about that don't you understand ????

[Anonymous]

Why are you treating so much? Just stop. This isn’t a thing with my friends and me. Sure, we’ll get an Uber or buy a drink when it’s easier to do so, or for someone’s birthday/celebration. But otherwise, the general expectation is that you pay for yourself and your family. It’s not hard.

[Anonymous]

Seems financial to me. Surprised by all the responses that it’s personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a personality trait. Some of the least generous people I know are total takers with tons of money.

Op here. The people I’m thinking about all live decently. I’m just surprised how many times they can be treated and paid for that they don’t reciprocate. Buy someone a coffee! The people I am thinking of I have known for years or even decades. They just never ever treat, don’t ever pick up a round of drinks, won’t give you a piece of gum. Maybe I’m exaggerating about the gum.

Where do you find those people? I don't know any. What does it say about you? Me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have some friends who are not rich and not poor. They are MC/UMC. I know they plan and budget. I have noticed that some of these friends never host, never treat and never reciprocate. They do always pay their share, often want to itemize the bill and pay separately.

I have always been generous no matter my financial situation. I want to treat my friend for her birthday. If someone treats me, I treat or at least offer to buy the next time. I’m surprised at some people who NEVER reciprocate or offer to reciprocate.

Is this a personality trait? Or financial?

OP, gifts are free. If you're "treating" with strings, or keeping a tab in your head, that's a trick.

Maybe learn to see all the ways the people you're treating are, in fact, reciprocating, just in non-financial ways. Do they watch your kids? Take in your mail when you're on vacation? Listen to your endless whinging?

If you're really just surrounded by a bunch of takers, why are you enabling them? Gifts are free, which means you're free to stop at any time.

You're complicit in this equation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you treating so much? Just stop. This isn’t a thing with my friends and me. Sure, we’ll get an Uber or buy a drink when it’s easier to do so, or for someone’s birthday/celebration. But otherwise, the general expectation is that you pay for yourself and your family. It’s not hard.

+1 Why does OP need people to buy her things?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why other people expect their friends to buy them coffees and ice cream etc? There's nothing wrong with NOT splashing cash on a friend and just paying for your own shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personality trait. Some of the most giving people are those that have the least. I think there is a level of empathy and appreciation for what the gift/money would mean to the other person that rich people either never knew or just forgot about.

Agree that it is a personality trait. Disagree that it is a rich person thing to be cheap, or that they have less empathy or appreciation. Some of my wealthiest friends grew up poor, but are now very much not poor, and they are frugal because that is what they learned. In other words, they seem more aware of money, than my friends who are more concerned with hanging out with people with money. Make sense?