AITA Aunt? (graduation)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem all about you. I’m sure you won’t be missed.

THIS. In my family not going would be unacceptable. We are close and strongly value education. Showing up sends a message to the graduate and younger children that we are proud and this accomplishment is a big deal.

What you describe is unacceptable.

The matter is between the graduate and the invitees. Based on the family dynamic you describe - a dynamic you endorse - if the graduate decides the Aunt's presence is optional, the Aunt would still be required to attend because You are making it a requirement. It's not about the graduate; it's about messages You have decided need to be sent to people who aren't You.

You are also deciding how other people receive messages: "Showing up sends a message to the graduate and younger children that we are proud and this accomplishment is a big deal."

Is that the case? Is it possible everyone having to attend graduations - declining is "unacceptable" - is received as the family being overbearing, or perhaps insufferable?

Either way, you don't get to decide how other people receive messages and then use this as a predicate to decide how relatives relate to each other. The matter is between the graduate and the invitees.

She literally started her response with “In my family”…chill

[Anonymous]

I feel honored when I get invited to things like this. A 3 hour drive and paying a pet sitter does seem to be two significant deterrents. But depending on my relationship with the kid and family and how many other events like this I will be going to in the immediate future and if I had something going on that weekend…I might not, but in your case? I would try. Family means a lot to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem all about you. I’m sure you won’t be missed.

THIS. In my family not going would be unacceptable. We are close and strongly value education. Showing up sends a message to the graduate and younger children that we are proud and this accomplishment is a big deal.

What you describe is unacceptable.

The matter is between the graduate and the invitees. Based on the family dynamic you describe - a dynamic you endorse - if the graduate decides the Aunt's presence is optional, the Aunt would still be required to attend because You are making it a requirement. It's not about the graduate; it's about messages You have decided need to be sent to people who aren't You.

You are also deciding how other people receive messages: "Showing up sends a message to the graduate and younger children that we are proud and this accomplishment is a big deal."

Is that the case? Is it possible everyone having to attend graduations - declining is "unacceptable" - is received as the family being overbearing, or perhaps insufferable?

Either way, you don't get to decide how other people receive messages and then use this as a predicate to decide how relatives relate to each other. The matter is between the graduate and the invitees.

She literally started her response with “In my family”…chill

No. Literally, the poster started her response with "THIS". The poster even all-caps it, because poster wanted to emphasize poster's agreement that OP is acting selfish:

PP: "You [OP] seem all about you. I’m sure you won’t be missed."

“In my family” poster:

"THIS..."

The poster is clearly communicating (THIS) that OP is acting selfishly. Then poster provides a basis for it: "family dynamic you describe - a dynamic you endorse " (my words). Her post can only be read as an endorsement, because we've already established the poster agrees that OP is acting selfish.

…chill

You are literally ending your post with "…chill".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem all about you. I’m sure you won’t be missed.

THIS. In my family not going would be unacceptable. We are close and strongly value education. Showing up sends a message to the graduate and younger children that we are proud and this accomplishment is a big deal.

This is so bizarre. Do you all not work? Do you take vacation time to go to graduations that aren't local?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go to the graduation but I would try to make it to the party if he has one.

[Anonymous]

My friend and co-worker just got back from a weekend in Texas for her husband's nephew's graduation. She was exhausted and cranky and I said I couldn't believe she had gone because I probably would have sent my husband by himself if he cared to go. But maybe ITA.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you do not have children. If so, there is a decent chance that in forty years, your nephew might be one of the few left who feels obligated to you and is still young enough to have energy to help. Given that, make the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you do not have children. If so, there is a decent chance that in forty years, your nephew might be one of the few left who feels obligated to you and is still young enough to have energy to help. Given that, make the trip.

This advice relies on a false equivalence, and assumes the nephew lacks a basic sense of proportion. Attending a graduation and attending to the "one of the few left who feels obligated" situation described are entirely different. A decent Aunt would provide "one of the few left who feels obligated" support for a nephew, regardless of whether the nephew attended her graduation.

The thinking process described lacks proportion: "Aunt OP is in a nursing home alone and needs my support. I'm withholding it because forty years ago she sent me a card, money, celebrated with me later, but didn't physically attend my graduation." I would not expect nursing home visits from that person under any circumstances, graduation attended or not. The person using the thinking process described would probably be institutionalized anyway because they sound mentally unfit; in which case, the decent Aunt would support him, even if he didn't attend her graduation.

You sound like you do not have children

You sound like someone with a family member who uses fear and loneliness to manipulate people.

[Anonymous]

Graduations are boring.

Our son told us we shouldn't feel obligated to attend his next month because he said it will probably be boring, ha! (We're going.)

If I had a relative who lived in the area, I'd invite them to a family lunch or dinner but wouldn't suggest nor ask them to attend the event. If they wish to come, sure. But I wouldn't suggest it. That's a big ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the closeness of relationship.

It really doesn't.

I have several siblings and we are very close. And lots of kids between all of us. There is no way we can all be flying all over the country to attend each others' kids graduations, and no one would expect it. It's not practical. And has nothing to do with how close we are.

[Anonymous]

You know what? If you go it'll be a pain and also underappreciated by everyone - but you should go if you can make it work. It's these little things that you do, even when you don't want to, that accumulate into a solid relationship. I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what? If you go it'll be a pain and also underappreciated by everyone - but you should go if you can make it work. It's these little things that you do, even when you don't want to, that accumulate into a solid relationship. I think.

^ But also it's ok not to go.

[Anonymous]

I’ve got one graduating hs and the other graduating college next year and it would not occur to me to invite anyone not local. 3 hours and a hotel isn’t local. Just send a card/gift.