Better for kids to stay in roommate marriage with DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up in scenario 1 and I think it's really damaged him. He doesnt know how to show affection, he shuts down during even the tiniest conflict. He's told me multiple times he wished they'd just divorced.

As much as you think its "low conflict" and "zero fighting" doesnt usually pan out.

I get it but divorce certainly does not guarantee that they will observe a healthy affectionate relationship

*shrug* he's in therapy and that is one thing they discuss.

I think people just overestimate how "low conflict" they are, and kids definitely pick up on these things.

This. My parents were in a “low conflict” marriage where my mom said disparaging passive aggressive this about my dad constantly and my dad stayed very late at work and acted passive aggressively towards my mom by spending money my parents didn’t have. There was not lots of yelling and fighting but it was tense and was by no means normal-seeming. Around 4th grade my dad stopped going to holiday gatherings with my mom’s family so we would go without him, sometimes spending Christmas and other holidays without him. That was hard. My parents slept in different rooms starting around 4th grade too. I stopped having friends over for sleepovers because I found it embarrassing. When my sister and I were 16 we actually asked our parents to consider divorce. There relationship was so broken and destructive. They were angry and depressed.

I have been married for six years and have three kids and I feel like my marriage is strong but I have had to do a lot of work to get here. I did not see a healthy relationship modeled. I did not know how to deal with conflict (shut down? walk away? say something nasty? summer?). I understand most people can’t divorce and sometimes it’s not so bad. But if you are creating a lot of stress and tension for your kids try to address that. Speak to the reality of the situation instead of pretending it is all normal.

Sorry for typos on my phone

[Anonymous]

Is nesting an option? I heard an interview with 2 authors of books, on NPR a fees months ago. They had done research. You should be able to listen to the interview online.

[Anonymous]

Is there a 3rd option? Is it feasible to both work on your relationship with a therapist? My parents divorced (abuse and alcoholism) and I’ve struggled forming healthy relationships since I never saw a good model. I just wonder if you can both dig deeper for the kids if there’s no abuse, addiction or adultry?

[Anonymous]

Doh. I meant to say 2 authors of books on nesting, a few months ago on NPR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the kids growing up in a zero affection marriage household is remotely healthy. Agree it's modeling a bad marriage for them, even if it's not a toxic one. It will still mess them up significantly.

So separate households and shuffling the kids back and forth is better?

Sometimes I just can’t with you people.

+1
Can’t fathom how option 1 wouldn’t be better for the kids.

[Anonymous]

I dont know of any studies. But i have two friends whose parents got divorced when they were in college or adult and it rocked them really hard. Because then they realized their childhood was a shame. And it was so hard to come to terms with that. Those with parents who divorced young got over it much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want your kids in a marriage like this? Because that is a likely outcome.

May be but by this hypothesis divorce would lead to divorces for them, their grandparents are already divorced, wouldn't divorce of parent cement the idea that marriages are doomed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if there is any research on the question of what is better for kids:

(1) seeing parents in a low conflict, but low interaction and zero affection marriage (basically living separate lives under one roof, but with zero fighting); or

(2) a low conflict divorce.

I am currently living in situation (1) purely for the benefit of my kids. I am in individual therapy and my therapist didn’t seem convinced that this IS necessarily better for them than a low conflict divorce.

I am not aware of any research or expert opinions on this specific question and wondering if anyone else is?

As a child of divorce, I still think it would have been better for the family if my parents had stuck it out in (1), for the simple reason that I didn’t like living between two separate residences. This is a big part of why I stay.

If you two can indeed have a decent coparenting roommate setup, definitely do that. You can even throw in occasional sexual benefits with mutual agreement.

[Anonymous]

It’s called all of Asia. The kids will be fine in a drama free stable arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up in scenario 1 and I think it's really damaged him. He doesnt know how to show affection, he shuts down during even the tiniest conflict. He's told me multiple times he wished they'd just divorced.

As much as you think its "low conflict" and "zero fighting" doesnt usually pan out.

I get it but divorce certainly does not guarantee that they will observe a healthy affectionate relationship

*shrug* he's in therapy and that is one thing they discuss.

I think people just overestimate how "low conflict" they are, and kids definitely pick up on these things.

This. My parents were in a “low conflict” marriage where my mom said disparaging passive aggressive this about my dad constantly and my dad stayed very late at work and acted passive aggressively towards my mom by spending money my parents didn’t have. There was not lots of yelling and fighting but it was tense and was by no means normal-seeming. Around 4th grade my dad stopped going to holiday gatherings with my mom’s family so we would go without him, sometimes spending Christmas and other holidays without him. That was hard. My parents slept in different rooms starting around 4th grade too. I stopped having friends over for sleepovers because I found it embarrassing. When my sister and I were 16 we actually asked our parents to consider divorce. There relationship was so broken and destructive. They were angry and depressed.

I have been married for six years and have three kids and I feel like my marriage is strong but I have had to do a lot of work to get here. I did not see a healthy relationship modeled. I did not know how to deal with conflict (shut down? walk away? say something nasty? summer?). I understand most people can’t divorce and sometimes it’s not so bad. But if you are creating a lot of stress and tension for your kids try to address that. Speak to the reality of the situation instead of pretending it is all normal.

Wow I could have written most of this - right down to the avoiding having friends over because my parents’ dynamic was a source of shame that I wanted to hide. My parents probably believed they were low conflict but in reality there was always a sense of tension at home and I did everything I could to avoid being there.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who recently divorced. Both parents seem much happier dating others. The kids are really suffering and hate going back and forth. It sounds like a logistical nightmare. It is hard enough to juggle kids’ sports and activities living in the same house.

[Anonymous]

I would not put my kids through divorce in those circumstances. I would try working on my marriage though with therapy.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know about research, but from my own experience, yes, it is better for your kids for you to stay in your low conflict (and low affection) marriage. Frankly, your affection level doesn’t make much difference to your kids. They would much rather that, that dealing with your boyfriends/dad’s new girlfriends, babysitters regularly so you can date, having much of your attention funneled into online dating, and then there’s the boyfriend’s kids..

When you decide to have children, you owe them a stable life. They should have to deal with your love life BS because you find your marriage low affection. Get your freak on when they go off to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up in scenario 1 and I think it's really damaged him. He doesnt know how to show affection, he shuts down during even the tiniest conflict. He's told me multiple times he wished they'd just divorced.

As much as you think its "low conflict" and "zero fighting" doesnt usually pan out.

I get it but divorce certainly does not guarantee that they will observe a healthy affectionate relationship

*shrug* he's in therapy and that is one thing they discuss.

I think people just overestimate how "low conflict" they are, and kids definitely pick up on these things.

This. My parents were in a “low conflict” marriage where my mom said disparaging passive aggressive this about my dad constantly and my dad stayed very late at work and acted passive aggressively towards my mom by spending money my parents didn’t have. There was not lots of yelling and fighting but it was tense and was by no means normal-seeming. Around 4th grade my dad stopped going to holiday gatherings with my mom’s family so we would go without him, sometimes spending Christmas and other holidays without him. That was hard. My parents slept in different rooms starting around 4th grade too. I stopped having friends over for sleepovers because I found it embarrassing. When my sister and I were 16 we actually asked our parents to consider divorce. There relationship was so broken and destructive. They were angry and depressed.

I have been married for six years and have three kids and I feel like my marriage is strong but I have had to do a lot of work to get here. I did not see a healthy relationship modeled. I did not know how to deal with conflict (shut down? walk away? say something nasty? summer?). I understand most people can’t divorce and sometimes it’s not so bad. But if you are creating a lot of stress and tension for your kids try to address that. Speak to the reality of the situation instead of pretending it is all normal.

You know what is also embarrassing and traumatizing? Hearing your mom having wild sex with her new boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about research, but from my own experience, yes, it is better for your kids for you to stay in your low conflict (and low affection) marriage. Frankly, your affection level doesn’t make much difference to your kids. They would much rather that, that dealing with your boyfriends/dad’s new girlfriends, babysitters regularly so you can date, having much of your attention funneled into online dating, and then there’s the boyfriend’s kids..

When you decide to have children, you owe them a stable life. They should have to deal with your love life BS because you find your marriage low affection. Get your freak on when they go off to college.

+1000

I love how all of these “oh my parents lack of affection was SO TRAUMATIZING” posters think having the kids bounce back and forth between homes, deal with a parents new love interest, a potential new marriage and all the crap an associated blended family brings, is the better alternative.

Marriage is hard. That feeling of constant skyrockets and butterflies in the stomach is long gone for most people. You enter into a marriage for the long haul. Think about your kids - not your lack of spark with your spouse. It’s pathetic.