how to tell 10 yo they have to change schools

[Anonymous]

When does this child get to play? Sounds like she’s keyed up and stressed about school performance because someone has pushed her too hard and taken away all the joy from her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What on earth?? You would not let your kid be friends IN ELEMENTARY with someone that wasn’t a good fit at private school? The fact that you are saying you would not do this knowing the situation with your own kid makes you sound like a complete jerk.

Setting that aside, the idea that parents at the other school will know why you changed schools sounds ludicrous to me.

I don’t understand why you aren’t trying anxiety meds for this kid. She DOES have a diagnosis. Try something that will potentially help her/

All this.

If OP is not a troll.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

May I gently suggest, as someone who has the same tendency, that if you're disciplining that much you aren't doing so effectively? The usual problem is not consistently enforcing the rules, so your kids never know when they will get away with stuff. Maybe having fewer rules that are more of a big deal to you might help. That way you always discipline for those infractions, but your kid has some freedom within those boundaries.

Oh, we're consistent. It's exhausting, but we're consistent. When she won't ever study or practice piano, what are we supposed to do? She has never shown that she's capable of earning freedom.

This piano nonsense just reenforces that disciplining incorrectly has been the issue all along.

Explain? If she doesn't practice as required, she's punished by losing more and more "fun" things she would rather be doing. That's literally how discipline works.

You cannot be real. Are you trolling?

No? How else do you force a child to do unfun things they don't want to do?

For some things they don't want to do (piano), you let them stop. You focus on the minimum if everything is a fight. If the kid says she still wants to do piano, then she can get another chance, but she has to practice when reminded or else she's done. Then she has to do her homework first thing, but after that you do let her do fun things.

The situation sounds so extreme that either there's something going on mental health-wise or you aren't telling the full story. Just an FYI, I have a kid who leans towards the apathetic but we don't constantly battle about her doing stuff - just occasionally - and it's all stuff she is insistent she wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Dont' phrase it as "has to change schools" but "GETS to change schools" - to one that can better help her with her anxiety-driven outbursts so they're less frequent, and less intense when they happen. I'd tell her a week before school ends so she has time to say goodbye to people.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

This is crazy. Can she stay through the end of the year? Was there an incident causing injury? I’m really sorry and can understand why you are upset OP.

She's staying through the end of the year, yes. And no injuries. She just burst into tears into math class yesterday because another classmate was singing under her breath and she couldn't hear the teacher. She corned the girl during recess and asked that she stop singing, girl refused, so she cried again on the playground. Straw that broke the camel's back for the admin. And I agree! She should not be crying in public or telling other students what to do.

This seems like a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When does this child get to play? Sounds like she’s keyed up and stressed about school performance because someone has pushed her too hard and taken away all the joy from her life.

She's never been into playing. Sometimes she'll play with Legos or ride her bike, but left to her own devices, she would rather sit in her room and play videos games. I've not pushed her. I just won't let her waste her life in front of a screen.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

This is crazy. Can she stay through the end of the year? Was there an incident causing injury? I’m really sorry and can understand why you are upset OP.

She's staying through the end of the year, yes. And no injuries. She just burst into tears into math class yesterday because another classmate was singing under her breath and she couldn't hear the teacher. She corned the girl during recess and asked that she stop singing, girl refused, so she cried again on the playground. Straw that broke the camel's back for the admin. And I agree! She should not be crying in public or telling other students what to do.

This seems like a troll.

Glad you don't have a child who can't control her emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

And I guess the other question is, how do we help her in a future where she won't any friends? I would never let my child be friends with someone who was kicked out of school, so I am sure the parents in her new public will feel the same.

Nobody needs to know she was kicked out. "My parents switched me to this school because they thought it would be a better fit for me. I'm excited to be here. No uniforms - I like your shirt by the way ..."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dont' phrase it as "has to change schools" but "GETS to change schools" - to one that can better help her with her anxiety-driven outbursts so they're less frequent, and less intense when they happen. I'd tell her a week before school ends so she has time to say goodbye to people.

But this is a lie? Public school isn't going to help her with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

And I guess the other question is, how do we help her in a future where she won't any friends? I would never let my child be friends with someone who was kicked out of school, so I am sure the parents in her new public will feel the same.

Nobody needs to know she was kicked out. "My parents switched me to this school because they thought it would be a better fit for me. I'm excited to be here. No uniforms - I like your shirt by the way ..."

Yeah, that's going to be tough. She loves her uniform and is really rigid about the clothes she wears outside of school. They're definitely not "cool" and I worry her being bullied over them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

And I guess the other question is, how do we help her in a future where she won't any friends? I would never let my child be friends with someone who was kicked out of school, so I am sure the parents in her new public will feel the same.

Nobody needs to know she was kicked out. "My parents switched me to this school because they thought it would be a better fit for me. I'm excited to be here. No uniforms - I like your shirt by the way ..."

Just skip the no uniforms then. It is by definition a better fit for your kid because they will take her, so it's not a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When does this child get to play? Sounds like she’s keyed up and stressed about school performance because someone has pushed her too hard and taken away all the joy from her life.

She's never been into playing. Sometimes she'll play with Legos or ride her bike, but left to her own devices, she would rather sit in her room and play videos games. I've not pushed her. I just won't let her waste her life in front of a screen.

Every kid will just sit and play video games if you let them. Does she exercise every day? Does she participate in any sports or other extracurricular activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dont' phrase it as "has to change schools" but "GETS to change schools" - to one that can better help her with her anxiety-driven outbursts so they're less frequent, and less intense when they happen. I'd tell her a week before school ends so she has time to say goodbye to people.

But this is a lie? Public school isn't going to help her with this.

Public schools have a lot more resources to throw at kids than privates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When does this child get to play? Sounds like she’s keyed up and stressed about school performance because someone has pushed her too hard and taken away all the joy from her life.

She's never been into playing. Sometimes she'll play with Legos or ride her bike, but left to her own devices, she would rather sit in her room and play videos games. I've not pushed her. I just won't let her waste her life in front of a screen.

Every kid will just sit and play video games if you let them. Does she exercise every day? Does she participate in any sports or other extracurricular activities?

She does gymnastics three times a week and does love it. It's only an hour at a time, though.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

Well now we know where she got the melodrama from!

Don't take away her books! Think of the transition as a chance to start fresh. If the private school wasn't specific about DD's issues, ask them for specific issues so you can work on them with your DD over the summer.

She doesn't have anything left to take. She's already lost access to her devices and bike, and until she can show that she can sit down and study and or practice, she's not getting them back.

OP you need parenting classes/therapy. It sounds like you punish for everything to the point where there is no joy in your lives but never actually teach her HOW to do the things you expect. Shes not going to just be able to sit down and study because you take away her bike.