how to tell 10 yo they have to change schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of posters are out of line blaming OP. This is a clear SN case. I would guess combination ASD and ADHD which is just pure hell. OP's child's brain does not work right and there are no magic parenting methods that turn children like this into normal functioning kids that you can be proud of rather than constantly embarrassed by. OP, your kid needs medication. It's a game changer and you will go from wishing you had an abortion to actually loving spending time with her, at least until the dosage wears off.

I cannot believe the number of people in this thread who actively despise their children.

"does not work right"

"children like this"

"loving spending with with her... until the dosage wears off."

No wonder your kids act out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

And I guess the other question is, how do we help her in a future where she won't any friends? I would never let my child be friends with someone who was kicked out of school, so I am sure the parents in her new public will feel the same.

At this point there is no reason to tell her that she is being kicked out. Tell her that you have decided that the school is not the best match for her and that you believe that public will be a better fit for her.

[Anonymous]

Please get your daughter in therapy. Not to achieve any of your own goals for her but because she is CRYING out for help in every way possible. You don’t need a diagnosis or Rx for therapy you just have to need professional help. I have a child who was counseled out of private and I truly believe she wanted to do better and live up to their strict expectations but she was not capable of doing it, the same way some people can run a 3 hour marathon but I literally cannot do that regardless of what you take away from me or bribe me to try.

You also need to revisit your evaluations and psychiatrists. If the school was telling you no problems that’s what they but on the input to the evaluation and that obviously was not true. Getting removed from a school at 10 is significant, even from a private.

Please also look into parent training for neurodivergent children. We did parent management training through Alvlord Baker and it was amazing for us and our daughter. What you are doing is not working. Please don’t take away her books. Please, just don’t. There are other ways to parent.

My daughter after 4 years at public and a lot of therapy and a change in parenting approach is thriving. She has friends and is doing well in school. Don’t give up on your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please get your daughter in therapy. Not to achieve any of your own goals for her but because she is CRYING out for help in every way possible. You don’t need a diagnosis or Rx for therapy you just have to need professional help. I have a child who was counseled out of private and I truly believe she wanted to do better and live up to their strict expectations but she was not capable of doing it, the same way some people can run a 3 hour marathon but I literally cannot do that regardless of what you take away from me or bribe me to try.

You also need to revisit your evaluations and psychiatrists. If the school was telling you no problems that’s what they but on the input to the evaluation and that obviously was not true. Getting removed from a school at 10 is significant, even from a private.

Please also look into parent training for neurodivergent children. We did parent management training through Alvlord Baker and it was amazing for us and our daughter. What you are doing is not working. Please don’t take away her books. Please, just don’t. There are other ways to parent.

My daughter after 4 years at public and a lot of therapy and a change in parenting approach is thriving. She has friends and is doing well in school. Don’t give up on your child.

Ok I see now you say she’s in therapy. Maybe try another therapist, sometimes the first one is not a good fit. I think any therapy is not going to be enough to counteract the feelings of disappointing her family all night and every weekend after being unsuccessful at school. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Your kid needs support with building personal tolerance and the ability and resources to deal with others. Essentially she needs more tools in her toolkit. She needs reinforcement of growth strategies. She needs conversation to see and analyze her own behavior. And she needs help in learning how to deal with other people who will inevitably frustrate her.

School change isn’t going to be what solves this. Consistency, patience, reinforcement.

[Anonymous]

I know you feel badly about the school change. I hope there are ways to set your DD up for success at the new school. People and teachers sometimes really welcome new blood.
And people leave private schools all the time: to move; to save money; etc. your attitude about the change may affect your daughter’s so please be careful of that. It sounds as though neither of you was best served by this school. BTDT

You may feel overwhelmed. Dropping piano may help everyone. I am a piano lessons dropout and still went to an Ivy. LOL. That will be OK.

Please don’t catastrophize about DD’s future. Instead, do what is best for it…I understand your darkest moments may take you there.

This, too, shall pass. Exploring medication for both you and DD May be worthwhile…even life changing.

[Anonymous]

Did you say she loves gymnastics and goes 3x per week? Build on this. Can she have play dates with those kids? That takes a ton of discipline and following directions. I would be proud of her.

[Anonymous]

I feel like there is some sort of language gap or OP is from a different country. OP nobody will know why she left her private school. There are no entry years in public and there are so many reasons someone could switch. I would try to get her some help before she goes to her new school so she can start on the right foot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound horrible and mean to your own child, OP.

Life IS interesting and you should be enjoying it with her and showing her the wonder in the world. Do you engage her at all or just order her around? Do you go on nature walks and talk to her?

We go on at least three trips a month to interesting places, museums, parks, play, whatever. She gets a ton of opportunities to see the world, but she also needs to buckle down and study and practice. If I sound horrible and mean, it's because I thought we'd worked all this out.

She's 10! She should be playing and exploring. Studying/homework out of school should be minimal at this age. And if she's not practicing, then piano should stop. Gymnastics 3 times a week sounds great and the right amount of enrichment for that age. If she's home, don't allow access to video games - she can read, bike, or do other activities.

Taking away "fun" items that have no relationship to the issue isn't helping. The natural consequence of not practicing is that piano lessons stop, not that her bike is taken away. Just reading your posts is making me anxious. No wonder she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10 has very low frustration tolerance. We've had several assessments, but nothing has turned up beyond "mild anxiety" for which she has been in unsuccessful therapy. Unfortunately, her private school is no longer willing to handle her outbursts and has suggested she go public next year.

She will be devastated. And obviously, she'll blame herself. What can we do to make this transition better for her?

Well, she has herself to blame. My suggestion is work with that. Behavior has consequences. This is a teaching moment.

What other consequences? She's basically been grounded all year (no friends over). She has zero devices left. I haven't decided if losing the last was permanent. I'm honestly at a loss of what else there is.

Do you realize how stupid and outlandish and rigid you sound? What you're essentially saying is, "We've been doing the exact same things over and over again for years and they aren't working. How do we continue doing the exact same thing?" Your parenting is a serious problem. It's not working. Whatever you did for your other kids, this one is different. It is literally unbelievable to me that you cannot see this and think you should just do more of the same punishing that already hasn't been working for years. You need a completely different approach and viewpoint and probably family therapy. Not "what else can we take away?" A totally different paradigm. Because this one isn't working for this child.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of posters are out of line blaming OP. This is a clear SN case. I would guess combination ASD and ADHD which is just pure hell. OP's child's brain does not work right and there are no magic parenting methods that turn children like this into normal functioning kids that you can be proud of rather than constantly embarrassed by. OP, your kid needs medication. It's a game changer and you will go from wishing you had an abortion to actually loving spending time with her, at least until the dosage wears off.

I cannot believe the number of people in this thread who actively despise their children.

"does not work right"

"children like this"

"loving spending with with her... until the dosage wears off."

No wonder your kids act out.

+1

One of my kids has some special needs, but I’ve always loved him. And I like to talk to him.

I think these types of parents have the mindset that kids are a product. They’re just scared that they can’t control everything. So they lash out at their kids.

(Not criticizing those parents dealing with violence and worse)

[Anonymous]

How many hours a day do you expect your 10 year old to study?

[Anonymous]

I’m not a huge redshirting fan but it might make sense in this case depending on her birthday OP. Changing schools can be a good time to do that. Also, how long has she been at this school? Are they willing to help you find another private that might be a better fit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD10 has very low frustration tolerance. We've had several assessments, but nothing has turned up beyond "mild anxiety" for which she has been in unsuccessful therapy. Unfortunately, her private school is no longer willing to handle her outbursts and has suggested she go public next year.

She will be devastated. And obviously, she'll blame herself. What can we do to make this transition better for her?

Well, she has herself to blame. My suggestion is work with that. Behavior has consequences. This is a teaching moment.

What other consequences? She's basically been grounded all year (no friends over). She has zero devices left. I haven't decided if losing the last was permanent. I'm honestly at a loss of what else there is.

Do you realize how stupid and outlandish and rigid you sound? What you're essentially saying is, "We've been doing the exact same things over and over again for years and they aren't working. How do we continue doing the exact same thing?" Your parenting is a serious problem. It's not working. Whatever you did for your other kids, this one is different. It is literally unbelievable to me that you cannot see this and think you should just do more of the same punishing that already hasn't been working for years. You need a completely different approach and viewpoint and probably family therapy. Not "what else can we take away?" A totally different paradigm. Because this one isn't working for this child.

Obviously I can't reward a child like this, and the early posters realized that.

NP. You reward any positive behavior from her. Positive reinforcement. Is there really absolutely nothing this poor child does that pleases you?
My older DD is 8 and has inattentive ADHD along with a dose of anxiety. Some of what you describe with your DD is reminiscent of behaviors we saw in mine before she was diagnosed. There's something else going on here, OP. Is it possible that your DD knows you dislike her, and that is feeding into her anxiety? Because, at least in your posts, it seems really clear to me that you don't see anything positive at all about this child. I can guarantee she's picking up on that.
Oh, and drop the piano for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

And I guess the other question is, how do we help her in a future where she won't any friends? I would never let my child be friends with someone who was kicked out of school, so I am sure the parents in her new public will feel the same.

How would other parents know she'd been kicked out? Also, how does this experience not teach you that some kids who need to leave a school are good kids who deserve friends?

Have you tried medicating for the anxiety? If it's severe enough to be leading to a school placement, then medication and therapy are probably warranted.

No, two different psychiatrists said meds weren't warranted and refused to prescribe.

They would know she was kicked out because 5th grade (next year) isn't an entrance/outplacement year.

Every year is an entrance year in public school. We get new students all the time; sometimes in the middle of the school year. Just switch schools without the details. The switch will at least guarantee help for your daughter because girls who display this behavior are an anomaly.