How to handle parent with severe mental health issue

[Anonymous]

Also op - I don’t think it is frontotemporal dementia bc she is too old for that judging by what I read. But it could be another type of cognitive disorder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I do think she is under medicated for anxiety but it’s very confusing bc she is on so many other meds for her current pain. It’s also possible that dementia or Parkinson’s is at play but she has just now had surgery and the geriatrician says they won’t be able to tell until she comes off the pain meds. I do agree I need to talk to my dad more thoroughly - he has told me that they had the conversation and calculated that number that it will cost her to live at home with care until she dies (the $6m number). But I don’t think they have properly thought it through. And yes to all the above posters - she has never been ‘checked’ and made to grow up and he derives some weird secondary benefit. I have been at home with them for the past week and realized that my whole childhood was dominated by her never really needing to step up (never picking me up or dropping me off or making dinner or even waking up before I went to school - Nannies did it all and then I did) while dad structures life around her needs and preferences. Somehow it all didn’t quite click till the anxiety crisis got worse and I saw how she manipulates. I am really struggling with my empathy for her post surgically as a result and actually may need to cut my visit short as I am having trouble faking it. Is all really hard

She may not be taking the pills consistently which makes things 10 times worse. This is dad's issue, unless he is very unhappy. If he is, the next time she goes in the hospital, dad needs to make a case why she cannot come home. If he refuses, that is his problem. At residential she will be properly medicated and it's easier to visit and be in good spirits no matter how she acts. If it gets too bad, he can end the visit. Once he passes away, I would strong suggest you have her in residential next time she ends up in the hospital. The workers who come to her home cannot force her to take medication.

Once someone is driving everyone around them nuts, it's not about meeting their every want or desire. Sure she doesn't want residential. Too bad. You let the social worker know the issues at home and why it cannot work. Or you give in to her and deal with the fact she may not get proper meds, she will call you often and she will still be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I do think she is under medicated for anxiety but it’s very confusing bc she is on so many other meds for her current pain. It’s also possible that dementia or Parkinson’s is at play but she has just now had surgery and the geriatrician says they won’t be able to tell until she comes off the pain meds. I do agree I need to talk to my dad more thoroughly - he has told me that they had the conversation and calculated that number that it will cost her to live at home with care until she dies (the $6m number). But I don’t think they have properly thought it through. And yes to all the above posters - she has never been ‘checked’ and made to grow up and he derives some weird secondary benefit. I have been at home with them for the past week and realized that my whole childhood was dominated by her never really needing to step up (never picking me up or dropping me off or making dinner or even waking up before I went to school - Nannies did it all and then I did) while dad structures life around her needs and preferences. Somehow it all didn’t quite click till the anxiety crisis got worse and I saw how she manipulates. I am really struggling with my empathy for her post surgically as a result and actually may need to cut my visit short as I am having trouble faking it. Is all really hard

She may not be taking the pills consistently which makes things 10 times worse. This is dad's issue, unless he is very unhappy. If he is, the next time she goes in the hospital, dad needs to make a case why she cannot come home. If he refuses, that is his problem. At residential she will be properly medicated and it's easier to visit and be in good spirits no matter how she acts. If it gets too bad, he can end the visit. Once he passes away, I would strong suggest you have her in residential next time she ends up in the hospital. The workers who come to her home cannot force her to take medication.

Once someone is driving everyone around them nuts, it's not about meeting their every want or desire. Sure she doesn't want residential. Too bad. You let the social worker know the issues at home and why it cannot work. Or you give in to her and deal with the fact she may not get proper meds, she will call you often and she will still be miserable.

i do think she is not properly medicated. but when we try to get her anti anxiety medication to a manageable level, she claims it puts her to sleep. She is content to make people around her work hard and be miserable so is not incentivized to adjust

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My God, I hope that's not me in my old age.

I have a panic disorder, that flares up sometimes (like for a month every couple of years), and at those times, I have back to back panic attacks. I feel like I'm dying. It's horrific. And then, as suddenly as it came, it ends up going away after a few weeks. Nobody has ever been able to understand it.

So I feel for your mother, OP. I have a few thoughts:

1 First, it seems she might have dementia, on top of the panic.

2. Second, have you gotten second and third opinions on the medication? Could her panic be made worse on the cocktail she's on right now? In the elderly who have lots of meds to take, hallucinations and psychosis are often triggered by side-effects of their meds, or med interactions. Could she be intolerant to certain medications? I start hallucinating on codeine, for example, and I'm sensitive to a lot of meds.

3. You and your father have to at least try to get her into a nursing home. See what happens. It sounds very cruel, when she clings to you so unhappily, but here's my reasoning: my panic has a vicious cycle component to it. After a few sleep deprived days with unending panic, I become intolerant to my bed, where most of them occur, and can't even start to sleep because I panic about having a panic attack! My familiar environment starts to make me feel extremely uncomfortable because my poor silly brain associates it with repeated attacks. I don't quite know how I snap out of it, but I always do (knock on wood). Maybe your mother cannot anymore, and so she needs a wholly different environment, maybe with different meds, to have a total brain reset.

Also, does she feel cold is beneficial when she starts to panic? I do. I literally open the freezer and stand there. Or use ice packs to try to reduce my panic.


I don't know if any of that helps. I just really hope I don't end up like your mother.

Not op , but looking for answers for my mom.
Interesting about the need for cold. She puts an ice pack on her head (and a hot water bottle in her chest , at the same time. )
It must be anxiety then. And lonliness.

This is all very hard for OP and pp.