Teen daughter unbelievably mean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should ignore the posters whose first reaction is punitive. Do they actually have teens? There is something deeper going on with your daughter (you mention she has no relationship with her father, is in a bad friend situation, and is lonely). You know she is taking these feelings out on you because you are her safe space. Let her know when she hurts your feelings, stay calm, remove yourself if necessary, but please try not to overreact. Also talk to her therapist and maybe find one for yourself.

Yes, this. OP, it sounds like your DD is deeply untamed she is taking it out on you because you are her safe person. It does not mean you have to accept this behavior though. She needs limits to feel safe. I would recommend either family counseling or individual for you. Do the two of you do any activities together that you both enjoy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should ignore the posters whose first reaction is punitive. Do they actually have teens? There is something deeper going on with your daughter (you mention she has no relationship with her father, is in a bad friend situation, and is lonely). You know she is taking these feelings out on you because you are her safe space. Let her know when she hurts your feelings, stay calm, remove yourself if necessary, but please try not to overreact. Also talk to her therapist and maybe find one for yourself.

Yes, this. OP, it sounds like your DD is deeply untamed she is taking it out on you because you are her safe person. It does not mean you have to accept this behavior though. She needs limits to feel safe. I would recommend either family counseling or individual for you. Do the two of you do any activities together that you both enjoy?

Ugh, unhappy, not untamed.

[Anonymous]

I was this teen. My parents were overly strict and ignored my anxiety....the provocation back and forth was awful. I would provoke them, they would provoke me while trying to get a handle on the situation.

Looking back, the undiagnosed anxiety and lack of education my parents had was the root cause.

Defiance because I was anxious and couldn't express it. When I did, my emotions were dismissed and I was constantly told to "get over it". If you find yourself repeating this phrase or telling your DD that she's overreacting and then notice her reaction to that gets worse.....get her anxiety treated.

Her emotions are very real to her and you need to acknowledge them, even if they seem off the wall. She's probably having panic attacks and they just appear like tantrums because you interpret this as defiance, when it reality her emotions are out of control and she can't control them and needs help. Hugs, space, empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, this is a kid in crisis and you need professional help for yourself to get through this. I strongly encourage you to send her on an outdoor therapeutic trip like Outward Bound this summer, or to some kind of residential summer program that will be safe, structured, and have adults to coach her. Check with the therapist to be sure this is a good idea, but she needs a safe space to heal and the outdoors does that well.

It’s not personal, but you also don’t have to put up with this behavior. A professional can help you learn to manage her at home. This sounds awful for you both. Can the older kids give you respite?

Don't you dare consider those dangerous and unethical outward bound programs. A friend of mine was sent there and now she owns her own counseling practice. I could go into details, but if you do a quick google it's a hot topic right now. Stay away. There is no easy or quick fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I do not live with her father and she does not have a relationship with him. Her older siblings are no longer at home but she sees them often.
She is not in any activities currently. She plays a fall sport. Friend situation is not good right now - I know she is lonely at school and my heart hurts because of this. However I don’t know why she turns on me- I am the one constant in her life! She sees a therapist once a week but this is recent.
I haven’t thought about consequences because I am shocked and hurt and all I can think about is how this is such a major violation of trust. I told her that if she videos me or attempts to video me again I will take her off of my phone plan. I think I might go ahead and do that. The phone is hers, she paid for half of it. she can figure out how to pay for her own plan. This does not address the trust issues though. I can’t think straight I am so upset .

You're the parent. You can take her phone, even if she paid for half. You (presumably) paid for the other half.

This is why I am not wild about tying behavior/things with ability to pay for those things. Even if DD paid for the whole phone and plan, she is a minor who is misuing her phone and should not have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should ignore the posters whose first reaction is punitive. Do they actually have teens? There is something deeper going on with your daughter (you mention she has no relationship with her father, is in a bad friend situation, and is lonely). You know she is taking these feelings out on you because you are her safe space. Let her know when she hurts your feelings, stay calm, remove yourself if necessary, but please try not to overreact. Also talk to her therapist and maybe find one for yourself.

I'm not quite sure which action you refer to as punitive. Anytime there is an issue "take their phones!" is the common response even the behavior has nothing to do with the phone. I absolutely believe OP should take the phone, but also talk to her daughter's therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has become increasingly moody, angry and hostile towards me. She goes into raging tantrums over anything, everything and nothing. It is exhausting and I do occasionally react with too much emotion - however most of the time I don’t engage. Regardless of how I react, she goes at me relentlessly and aggressively. she isnt satisfied until she gets a reaction. It’s awful.
The latest thing is that she videos me to “prove” that I am crazy. Like she will provoke me until I lose my temper and try to get me to do or say embarrassing things and then she videos me on her phone! I am so upset and feel humiliated that she would do this. Any suggestions on how to handle? I’m about at the end of my rope.

Take her phone away. That is ridiculous. She is not showing you any respect and obviously is not mature enough to have a phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 year old DD has become increasingly moody, angry and hostile towards me. She goes into raging tantrums over anything, everything and nothing. It is exhausting and I do occasionally react with too much emotion - however most of the time I don’t engage. Regardless of how I react, she goes at me relentlessly and aggressively. she isnt satisfied until she gets a reaction. It’s awful.
The latest thing is that she videos me to “prove” that I am crazy. Like she will provoke me until I lose my temper and try to get me to do or say embarrassing things and then she videos me on her phone! I am so upset and feel humiliated that she would do this. Any suggestions on how to handle? I’m about at the end of my rope.

Take her phone away. That is ridiculous. She is not showing you any respect and obviously is not mature enough to have a phone

I agree take the phone away she is to immature!!

[Anonymous]

Get some support and parent coaching. This is really tough and I am sorry -- you need some backup.

PEP (https://pepparentonline.org/courses/category/Age:%20Teens) or Meghan Leahy https://www.mlparentcoach.com/or get a therapist and go to family counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her Sunday School teacher counsel her to do? Has she been attending church the last 10 years?

She wouldn’t be like this if she had.

It is a place to learn morals, values, respect of family members, right from wrong, respect of parents, etc.

Can you get her involved in a youth group at a house of worship?

Can you outreach to the father and move her in with her father for awhile.\?

Hilarious. Maybe she'll get raped by a pastor and that will make her respect her parents.

You are disgusting for saying this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her Sunday School teacher counsel her to do? Has she been attending church the last 10 years?

She wouldn’t be like this if she had.

It is a place to learn morals, values, respect of family members, right from wrong, respect of parents, etc.

Can you get her involved in a youth group at a house of worship?

Can you outreach to the father and move her in with her father for awhile.\?

Funny but my children have never been to Sunday school or youth group, or even a church for the matter. yet they were taught (and learned), morals, values, respect for family members, right from wrong, respect of parents, etc. Hmmmmmm.

OP... you should look into the Kadzin Method and you will have to be the driver of this change. Her relationship with you will be the key to solving this problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are simply some teens, believe it or not, where boundaries & consequences have no effect. All you PPs who are smugly patting yourselves on the back for not having this problem in your teen - likely have a pretty easy teen.

OP: I’ve been in your shoes. It’s imperative that you stay calm and don’t take the bait. Look up the DBT Transactional Model - she’s not getting what she needs from the environment so she’s putting stress on the environment. There’s something beneath this. She needs emotional regulation skills, but those obviously are hard to teach when she’s escalated.

I wish I had magic to give you. For us - it was her relationship with her dad where needs weren’t being met, but she was taking it out on me as I was “safe”. There was also some sexual harassment happening at school. To get to where we could deal with those took me not losing my temper, ever, and working with her in the calmer moments. We did a round of comprehensive DBT which was almost more important for her dad than her - but it helped all of us recognize what was happening.

Good luck.

+1. I agree with all of this. I have an adopted daughter that had some attachment issues that made for some serious behavior issues. Absolutely NOTHING worked until I was able to regulate myself and build the trusting relationship with her despite her pretty horrendous behaviors at times. It felt counterintuitive but it worked and we now have a 15 year old that is doing extremely well and has a bright future that would not have been possible if I had listened to any more people that told me consequences were all that needed to be done in order to change her behavior.

Good luck, OP

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I have been reading the responses and they are all helpful. I appreciate all the feedback. DD has a lot of issues. My entire life revolves around supporting her in every way that I can. The last couple of years have worn me down. I will look into the DBT and consider some of the suggestions with regard to therapy and self-regulation.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP. Sending strength.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does her Sunday School teacher counsel her to do? Has she been attending church the last 10 years?

Church is not the answer. Lots of folks front and center in church on Sunday have a lot to hide. It's called window dressing. Going to church does not prevent this behavior. I've been dealing with kids for the last 40 years and know what I'm talking about.