Kids and “work before play”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Checking in. One thing we may transition to doing is having them build this skill on their own.

So. Maybe we keep the 1-4 chores before screens. Maybe we cap the screens as well. (Hard when they get a staggered start.)

But instead of me listing out their stuff

We do:
1 zone they’re in charge of for the week - check that zone. Hopefully this also helps them keep it clean.

Build up to 1 physical goal, 1 school goal and they can set this to work on daily or weekly.

As long as they are doing those things, and we cap the screens (keep it fairly independent of the tasks), they have a lot more trust, freedom, privilege, and respect for themselves.

They can change the zone weekly. They can change the school and other goals. But we’ll help them. The biggest can change to this quickly. The youngest, we might do this alongside him.

And then they will naturally tack on other goals to this system. So when the biggest gets into more volunteering or schoolwork or pre-college essay writing, possible testing.. she will have a mechanism to set a weekly goal. *But it will come from her.*

[Anonymous]

Well, first, stop letting them sit in front of a screen for two hours. They can walk the dog, go for a bike ride, run around the block a few times, whatever. But slumped and staring at a screen? No. Second, I disagree with your theory. They've been "working" all day. Let them unwind from the stress of school. it doesn't need to be two hours - a half hour or 45 minutes should be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over a long long period of time I hope to teach my kids “Work before play.”

Now there’s always a little bit of rest-play-work in balance ..

However, when you’re a simple middle schooler or ES kid, math homework or cleaning your room —YES—should come before 2 hours of sitting in front of a screen.

And knowing my kids, once the screen comes on, there’s not a lot of bouncing back into responsibility. I remember when I was a kid watching afternoon shows, about 5:00 I’d get my backpack out and do HW.

These days, we live in a different world. Screens never run out of stuff. The kids content never ends. My MSer doesn’t even get home until 4:45.

How do I teach work before play? What’s effective? How do you balance rest / play / responsibility?

Also I will add things I’ve tried, somewhat unsuccessfully, in a second post….

You don't teach it, you force it. The screen time needs to be a consequence of getting their homework done. My kids know to do their homework, then they can watch a show.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid each in elementary, middle, and high school. At no time during the school week were they ever allowed to turn the tv on or be on electronics.

Order of things when they get home is put stuff away (bags, lunchboxes, etc.), snack, do homework if not yet done, and chores if they wanted to. Then they read or play.

Do they get bored? Of course they do. But complaining about being bored means I give them additional chores. Like going through the toys to make a pile of toys they want to give away since they’re “bored” with them, or cleaning the bathrooms or yardwork.

I can’t recall the last time they’ve complained about being bored.

Sometimes they ask to watch tv and sometimes I’ll say yes but only if they can all agree on something to watch without fighting.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s perfectly normal to want to unwind between school/activities and homework/chores. I expect my son to fully unpack his backpack by pulling all his lunch items out, hang coat up, give me school communications, then he can fix himself a snack and just veg out but no screens. He usually putts around chatting, playing a manual game, or reads on the floor. After 20-30 minutes of this we move into homework or he helps me with dinner prep, his choice. Instrument practice after dinner.

I don’t think kids are ready to turn screens off after they have relaxed sufficiently. So either do no screens, or set a very hard limit of one 20 minute show or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here again. One thing that was my best “ploy” and sort of works.. is resulting in a strange effect.

It was working, mind you :)

We started small. They got home, or on a Saturday they’d say “can we watch X or play Y video game?”

I started “do this one task” and then you’re free to play.

The next day, I gave 2 tasks. The next day 3. I worked up to 4.

The tasks are a mix of play, chores, school, helping me, etc. It depends on the kid.

After months of this 4-chore system. Or sometimes on weekends I give them more, or I give them collective projects to work on together… Here is the strange effect. They are just slogging through the work and they hate it. …. Even though some of it is “play outside with friends for a little while.” Or sometimes it’s “pick up 20 things in your room.” “Read 15 minutes” or “practice basketball.”

So I’m teaching them to hate life.

I sort of stopped this whole thing. We go back and forth, if I really really have something for them to do, I give them a chore.

And the other strange effect is now screens are seen as the ultimate thing to work toward. Because of this, now I’ve set a few screen-free days. But, all in all they do the chores and then feel so entitled to be on screens. I made it the ultimate reward.

Ugh.

All I was trying to do is teach “work before play” and I created something else.

Help!!

Screen free summer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid each in elementary, middle, and high school. At no time during the school week were they ever allowed to turn the tv on or be on electronics.

Order of things when they get home is put stuff away (bags, lunchboxes, etc.), snack, do homework if not yet done, and chores if they wanted to. Then they read or play.

Do they get bored? Of course they do. But complaining about being bored means I give them additional chores. Like going through the toys to make a pile of toys they want to give away since they’re “bored” with them, or cleaning the bathrooms or yardwork. I can’t recall the last time they’ve complained about being bored.

Sometimes they ask to watch tv and sometimes I’ll say yes but only if they can all agree on something to watch without fighting.

We let our HS seniors use unlimited screens once all their college apps were in. We figured it gave them time to figure out how to self regulate with a bit of input from us, before they were off at college with total freedom/access.

[Anonymous]

My 10-year old (4th grade) DD has three days a week where she has an activity that meets very shortly after school ends. Those are long and active days. When she gets home, she wants to relax/unwind before starting homework/chores/instrument practice, etc. I think that's totally understandable! And often she wants to relax with a screen, which, really, is fine too. So, she is allowed about 30-45 minutes to watch a SHOW -- not mindless crap videos on youtube -- and then she does homework, practicing, chores. (Dinner obviously happens somewhere in there too.) After that she is free to relax, chill out, etc., but at this point no screens allowed. She is very good at finding ways to entertain herself generally (often chooses to read), so the earlier screen time we are allowing must not be the end of the world. This works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid each in elementary, middle, and high school. At no time during the school week were they ever allowed to turn the tv on or be on electronics.

Order of things when they get home is put stuff away (bags, lunchboxes, etc.), snack, do homework if not yet done, and chores if they wanted to. Then they read or play.

Do they get bored? Of course they do. But complaining about being bored means I give them additional chores. Like going through the toys to make a pile of toys they want to give away since they’re “bored” with them, or cleaning the bathrooms or yardwork. I can’t recall the last time they’ve complained about being bored.

Sometimes they ask to watch tv and sometimes I’ll say yes but only if they can all agree on something to watch without fighting.

We let our HS seniors use unlimited screens once all their college apps were in. We figured it gave them time to figure out how to self regulate with a bit of input from us, before they were off at college with total freedom/access.

I am PP of the post you responded to and that’s something I’m considering. My HS did not get a cellphone until HS but he’s gotten more screen time than his siblings as he’s gotten older. but we are gradually increasing it so long as he is showing signs that he is self regulating well. By senior year at least, I think we’d like to be at a point where we no longer restrict it.

So we are trying to build healthy habits like keeping their sleep area screen and phone free and having designated no-electronics study space, etc.

[Anonymous]

My k & 3rd grader get home like 6:30pm on school days. There is no chores for them because they need to rest. I allow unlimited screentime. We have no dog to walk and we do carry out or rush for cooking dinner. On weekend, they also have classes that take like 1-4 hours on average and sometimes party/activities to attend for an extra few hours. We let them rest and play. I grew up no need doing any chores because my mom/dad did all.

What chores could kids do at these ages?

[Anonymous]

My now 11yo has to do homework before screens but if she wants to do something else for a few minutes before homework she can, just not screens.
I feel like I’m instilling it in her ok to get things done before you have fun.
We have no screens on weekday mornings whatsoever.
Today she got home from soccer practice at 6. Got changed while I made a quick dinner and is now doing homework. She hasn’t even asked for screens.

[Anonymous]

The problem I’m
Seeing with some of these answers is that resting, chilling, relaxing, seems to mean screens. Kids should be able to find other ways to rest, chill, relax without being stimulated by a video game, show or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My k & 3rd grader get home like 6:30pm on school days. There is no chores for them because they need to rest. I allow unlimited screentime. We have no dog to walk and we do carry out or rush for cooking dinner. On weekend, they also have classes that take like 1-4 hours on average and sometimes party/activities to attend for an extra few hours. We let them rest and play. I grew up no need doing any chores because my mom/dad did all.

What chores could kids do at these ages?

My 2 and 4yo’s chores are:
- Choose weather appropriate clothes and dress (4yo only)
- Set and clear their places at meals
- Tidying up their toys after playing
- Put trash they generate (broken crayons, ripped paper, etc) in the trash can
- Help with household chores like: loading and unloading the dishwasher, moving furniture for vacuuming, mopping the floor, sorting/folding/putting away laundry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My k & 3rd grader get home like 6:30pm on school days. There is no chores for them because they need to rest. I allow unlimited screentime. We have no dog to walk and we do carry out or rush for cooking dinner. On weekend, they also have classes that take like 1-4 hours on average and sometimes party/activities to attend for an extra few hours. We let them rest and play. I grew up no need doing any chores because my mom/dad did all.

What chores could kids do at these ages?

My 2 and 4yo’s chores are:
- Choose weather appropriate clothes and dress (4yo only)
- Set and clear their places at meals
- Tidying up their toys after playing
- Put trash they generate (broken crayons, ripped paper, etc) in the trash can
- Help with household chores like: loading and unloading the dishwasher, moving furniture for vacuuming, mopping the floor, sorting/folding/putting away laundry

+1. This is about what my 2nd grader does as well. If they could have been working in a factory a century ago, they certainly are CAPABLE of folding laundry or unloading the dishwasher.

Mine is also busy after school, so aside from cleaning up after herself, chores are mostly as-needed when we’re doing them and ask her to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem I’m
Seeing with some of these answers is that resting, chilling, relaxing, seems to mean screens. Kids should be able to find other ways to rest, chill, relax without being stimulated by a video game, show or whatever.

But how do you relax? Aren't you on your screen? We all watched tv as a kid.