Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living

[Anonymous]

yeah, you're letting him off too easy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of assisted living places have free lunches with tours so I told my mom let’s just go ti get the free lunch. The ones that dhdnt I called and prepaid for the lunch then told the person giving the tour to go along with the lunch was free. It was enough fir my mom to go look at places. The unknown is scary.

Thank you. I tried this after looking at about 8 places. This place was my top contender. They have a group of men there who hang out, thought it would be perfect for dad. Mom is gone. He got there, and people were rolling up in wheel chairs and he said everyone seemed so “old”. He’s 79 and refused the idea completely. So back to square one. It was a nice place too and not cheap, luxury even. Five figures a month.

Maybe take him to a not so great one and then the better one. He might like the second one if he has a comparison.

I might try this.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the lockdown of nursing homes and AL facilities during Covid hasn’t made people even more reluctant to move in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if the lockdown of nursing homes and AL facilities during Covid hasn’t made people even more reluctant to move in

Doubt it. We aren’t going back to that

[Anonymous]

All I can say is that I have sympathy with you. It is so maddening when they talk about not wanting to trouble me or be a burden or whatever, and yet they make absolutely no changes in their life that would prevent that from happening. Nor will they let me do anything for them that would be a real change to prevent future catastrophes.

I have to remind myself that they are, at some level, incapable of changing at this point. Their executive function skills have disappeared. They are just kind of hanging onto anything that is familiar and comforting. They recognize for example that they have created a house full of junk that I am going to have to deal with and they feel bad about that. But they simultaneously are not capable of doing anything different.

I’m taking a lesson from this and realizing that if I want to not do this to my children I have to take action way before I think I need to, while I still can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I can say is that I have sympathy with you. It is so maddening when they talk about not wanting to trouble me or be a burden or whatever, and yet they make absolutely no changes in their life that would prevent that from happening. Nor will they let me do anything for them that would be a real change to prevent future catastrophes.

I have to remind myself that they are, at some level, incapable of changing at this point. Their executive function skills have disappeared. They are just kind of hanging onto anything that is familiar and comforting. They recognize for example that they have created a house full of junk that I am going to have to deal with and they feel bad about that. But they simultaneously are not capable of doing anything different.

I’m taking a lesson from this and realizing that if I want to not do this to my children I have to take action way before I think I need to, while I still can.

DP. This real and deep insight.