Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Baby boomers hate old people and don’t want to be around them, even though they ARE them. Just a returned from visiting my folks and my mother, in her early seventies, acts like my father, in his late seventies, is going to drop dead at any minute. He’s healthy, she’s healthy, and she makes obnoxious comments about old people in restaurants - not realising that she is probably the same age.

They are exhausting and make themselves a burden by being so unselfaware.

My primer is very polite and doesn’t speak badly about others in their presence, however, at almost 80, he doesn’t realize that he is also “old”. It’s frustrating. If there was any sort of meanness to me, it would be so much easier to say I’m done and this is what’s happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Baby boomers hate old people and don’t want to be around them, even though they ARE them. Just a returned from visiting my folks and my mother, in her early seventies, acts like my father, in his late seventies, is going to drop dead at any minute. He’s healthy, she’s healthy, and she makes obnoxious comments about old people in restaurants - not realising that she is probably the same age.

They are exhausting and make themselves a burden by being so unselfaware.

What an ignorant broad stereotype that is, based on your limited personal experience. I live in a 55+ (up to 90s) community and don't find that ridiculous exaggeration to be true at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Baby boomers hate old people and don’t want to be around them, even though they ARE them. Just a returned from visiting my folks and my mother, in her early seventies, acts like my father, in his late seventies, is going to drop dead at any minute. He’s healthy, she’s healthy, and she makes obnoxious comments about old people in restaurants - not realising that she is probably the same age.

They are exhausting and make themselves a burden by being so unselfaware.

What an ignorant broad stereotype that is, based on your limited personal experience. I live in a 55+ (up to 90s) community and don't find that ridiculous exaggeration to be true at all.

That's because you have no problem living in a 55+ community! OP and PP are talking about their elderly parents who don't want to move into a better living situation for them due to their age, even though they no longer can handle living in a single family home with stairs that they need to drive everywhere from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Baby boomers hate old people and don’t want to be around them, even though they ARE them. Just a returned from visiting my folks and my mother, in her early seventies, acts like my father, in his late seventies, is going to drop dead at any minute. He’s healthy, she’s healthy, and she makes obnoxious comments about old people in restaurants - not realising that she is probably the same age.

They are exhausting and make themselves a burden by being so unselfaware.

What an ignorant broad stereotype that is, based on your limited personal experience. I live in a 55+ (up to 90s) community and don't find that ridiculous exaggeration to be true at all.

That's because you have no problem living in a 55+ community! OP and PP are talking about their elderly parents who don't want to move into a better living situation for them due to their age, even though they no longer can handle living in a single family home with stairs that they need to drive everywhere from.

My 70+ year old parents wants nothing to do with senior communities. Doesn't like the idea of being surrounded by so much decline and death. I already said, if it gets to the point that I "can't" take care of you because the needs are too much, that's what's gottta happen.

[Anonymous]

My parents are asocial with no friends. Social living situations would stress them out. The problem is, it's hard to supervise home health aides because I live a continent away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Baby boomers hate old people and don’t want to be around them, even though they ARE them. Just a returned from visiting my folks and my mother, in her early seventies, acts like my father, in his late seventies, is going to drop dead at any minute. He’s healthy, she’s healthy, and she makes obnoxious comments about old people in restaurants - not realising that she is probably the same age.

They are exhausting and make themselves a burden by being so unselfaware.

What an ignorant broad stereotype that is, based on your limited personal experience. I live in a 55+ (up to 90s) community and don't find that ridiculous exaggeration to be true at all.

That's because you have no problem living in a 55+ community! OP and PP are talking about their elderly parents who don't want to move into a better living situation for them due to their age, even though they no longer can handle living in a single family home with stairs that they need to drive everywhere from.

No, PP said "Baby boomers hate old people and don’t want to be around them, even though they ARE them" which does not refer to just their elderly parents, it refers to a whole generation of people. If they had said "MY PARENTS hate old people..."etc, that would be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in my late 50s. Kids are in college/working. We are waiting for them to get married (we will pay for wedding of course) and we want to help them to get settled and help raise their family.

Our kids talk about us living with them but we like our house and independence. Of course, quite possible that all close knit neighbors also will go old, get widowed/widower and will move into assisted living or with family. So, my plan is to live for as long as possible in our own house. Then, if things become so hard that we are dealing with day to day things, then I want to weigh my options.

How is this relevant? This is almost certainly what all our parents said to themselves except now it’s time to weigh options and they can’t or won’t.

Mine did just this and it worked out. Parent realized on their own it was time to get to a senior place. I’m realizing from this thread how fortunate that was. From experiences of this and others, I think 80 is age when it goes downhill fast. For myself I will try to move somewhere more manageable by 70 or 75. The over 55 places seem more like 70s and up or I would do it earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Slow down. Adult agist children in this forum want to send healthy 72 yrs olds to assisted living.

Way more details needed OP.

Right? Hundreds of infantilizing millennials so self-centered they think it's their job to parent 72-year-olds. At the end of your rope? Then just let go, seriously.

Not OP, but mother can’t get in and out of her house without tremendous effort, and is at great risk of a very bad fall every time. Increasingly not going out at all. Can’t get to her bedroom and has stopped trying. Seems to not be paying bills. Seems to not be bathing regularly. Has twice fallen and lay there crying for help until someone just happened to hear. And yet she insists it isn’t time yet to even discuss next steps, which makes it impossible to begin the process of even getting on waitlists.

You can call me infantilizing, but the only alternative I see is to sit back watching a very sad and very dangerous decline. Which some days is where I’m at! “I love you, but I cannot help you without your participation.” On the other hand, neglect is a form of abuse.

If you have the answer, I’m all ears. Because I definitely don’t.

If what the pp said does not apply to you then what is your point???
Reading is fundamental!

[Anonymous]

Knowing exactly what the "next steps" are and executing the plan (unfortunately) becomes the sole responsibility of the adult in the room and that's not the person who's elderly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Baby boomers hate old people and don’t want to be around them, even though they ARE them. Just a returned from visiting my folks and my mother, in her early seventies, acts like my father, in his late seventies, is going to drop dead at any minute. He’s healthy, she’s healthy, and she makes obnoxious comments about old people in restaurants - not realising that she is probably the same age.

They are exhausting and make themselves a burden by being so unselfaware.

What an ignorant broad stereotype that is, based on your limited personal experience. I live in a 55+ (up to 90s) community and don't find that ridiculous exaggeration to be true at all.

That's because you have no problem living in a 55+ community! OP and PP are talking about their elderly parents who don't want to move into a better living situation for them due to their age, even though they no longer can handle living in a single family home with stairs that they need to drive everywhere from.

No, PP said "Baby boomers hate old people and don’t want to be around them, even though they ARE them" which does not refer to just their elderly parents, it refers to a whole generation of people. If they had said "MY PARENTS hate old people..."etc, that would be different.

Please stop nitpicking. This forum is filled with children dealing with aging parents who refuse to acknowledge that they are old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Slow down. Adult agist children in this forum want to send healthy 72 yrs olds to assisted living.

Way more details needed OP.

Right? Hundreds of infantilizing millennials so self-centered they think it's their job to parent 72-year-olds. At the end of your rope? Then just let go, seriously.

Not OP, but mother can’t get in and out of her house without tremendous effort, and is at great risk of a very bad fall every time. Increasingly not going out at all. Can’t get to her bedroom and has stopped trying. Seems to not be paying bills. Seems to not be bathing regularly. Has twice fallen and lay there crying for help until someone just happened to hear. And yet she insists it isn’t time yet to even discuss next steps, which makes it impossible to begin the process of even getting on waitlists.

You can call me infantilizing, but the only alternative I see is to sit back watching a very sad and very dangerous decline. Which some days is where I’m at! “I love you, but I cannot help you without your participation.” On the other hand, neglect is a form of abuse.

If you have the answer, I’m all ears. Because I definitely don’t.

If what the pp said does not apply to you then what is your point???
Reading is fundamental!

What is the point of your comment? This thread is about parents who need help as they age. Why do you and the other PP even bother commenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal? At the end of my rope here.

Obviously we don’t have details but can you say “well, frankly at this point you ARE a burden so let’s discuss other options”. It’s harsh but do they possibly not realize the stress on you right now?

Basically.

[Anonymous]

Different poster here. Imo, if someone has already become a burden, then their opinion about what actually *should* happen next isn't reliable. Their will just be to much endless discussion, without any action. The younger, well, person has to have researched the options and narrowed down the options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Baby boomers hate old people and don’t want to be around them, even though they ARE them. Just a returned from visiting my folks and my mother, in her early seventies, acts like my father, in his late seventies, is going to drop dead at any minute. He’s healthy, she’s healthy, and she makes obnoxious comments about old people in restaurants - not realising that she is probably the same age.

They are exhausting and make themselves a burden by being so unselfaware.

What an ignorant broad stereotype that is, based on your limited personal experience. I live in a 55+ (up to 90s) community and don't find that ridiculous exaggeration to be true at all.

That's because you have no problem living in a 55+ community! OP and PP are talking about their elderly parents who don't want to move into a better living situation for them due to their age, even though they no longer can handle living in a single family home with stairs that they need to drive everywhere from.

No, PP said "Baby boomers hate old people and don’t want to be around them, even though they ARE them" which does not refer to just their elderly parents, it refers to a whole generation of people. If they had said "MY PARENTS hate old people..."etc, that would be different.

Please stop nitpicking. This forum is filled with children dealing with aging parents who refuse to acknowledge that they are old.

+1
I love my parents but they (and yes, one is a Boomer) don't think they're 'old', they're not there 'yet'. Yes, yes they are! Thankfully they moved south when I did and have a one story home, but one parent is very disabled and other parent is semi disabled. I'm trying to help them stay in their house, despite the fact that they should be in assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of assisted living places have free lunches with tours so I told my mom let’s just go ti get the free lunch. The ones that dhdnt I called and prepaid for the lunch then told the person giving the tour to go along with the lunch was free. It was enough fir my mom to go look at places. The unknown is scary.

Thank you. I tried this after looking at about 8 places. This place was my top contender. They have a group of men there who hang out, thought it would be perfect for dad. Mom is gone. He got there, and people were rolling up in wheel chairs and he said everyone seemed so “old”. He’s 79 and refused the idea completely. So back to square one. It was a nice place too and not cheap, luxury even. Five figures a month.

Maybe take him to a not so great one and then the better one. He might like the second one if he has a comparison.