So at a loss with teen’s rudeness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am so torn right down the middle on these responses and they are exactly what I go back and forth on. On one hand, I get the stage she’s in. And unlike authoritarian parenting, I don’t want her to contort herself into obedience (meaning she pretends she’s happy because we demand it, she makes herself small to make it easier for us). On the other hand, part of me is like NO! Family, manners, respect, kindness. Suck it up and don’t be a jerk! These are the values. She needs to learn.

She was such a good kid growing up. Kind, respectful, helpful. She still is that person. But she is also sometimes the person I’ve described above. Had she been a difficult child, I might have been better prepared for this kind of behavior. She’s also the oldest of all the kids and the first teen so it feels like I’m proceeding without a blueprint.

This is the approach you need to take. It’s not authoritarian. It actually captures the most effective and healthiest parenting style - authoritative.
Permissive can be nearly as bad as authoritarian, albeit different ends of the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We probably see them every weekend at least once. Hanging out at our house or theirs, meeting for dinner, or doing a day or weekend trip. She used to love it when she was younger. They left overseas for 3 years and came back last summer. Now DD is 15 and the whole dynamic is different.

Of course it’s different. She’s 15 not 3. Things change. She does not need to be rude and can you two discuss a compromise? Does she have a voice? Can you teach her to communicate effectively? Are you communicating effectively? Like she comes with you biweekly or once a month? Not every weekend?

[Anonymous]

I don't make my teens stick around when we have to see my in-laws. They are not nice and always have something negative to say. The kids will have lunch / dinner, and they are polite and engage, but then they excuse themselves and do whatever they need to do. We also limit it and ask the kids first whether a specific date is ok.

[Anonymous]

I don't make my teens stick around when we have to see my in-laws. They are not nice and always have something negative to say. The kids will have lunch / dinner, and they are polite and engage, but then they excuse themselves and do whatever they need to do. We also limit it and ask the kids first whether a specific date is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teens need their peers and space. I would only push them for holiday or milestone to be with extended family. The pulling away is natural and the harder you fight it the longer it will be before they circle back after ‘finding themselves’ after college.

Not true. This is an American take, allowing for being disrespectful as a "stage". It's not permitted in other cultures.

[Anonymous]

Nobody is saying the disrepectfulness is ok.

The point is how much you allow it to make the visit 'miserable'.

[Anonymous]

If you’re going on some sort of outing could she bring a friend once in a while?

[Anonymous]

If she has other plans/options during the family time, do you let her go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teens need their peers and space. I would only push them for holiday or milestone to be with extended family. The pulling away is natural and the harder you fight it the longer it will be before they circle back after ‘finding themselves’ after college.

Not true. This is an American take, allowing for being disrespectful as a "stage". It's not permitted in other cultures.

Ok, but this is an American teen