So at a loss with teen’s rudeness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We probably see them every weekend at least once. Hanging out at our house or theirs, meeting for dinner, or doing a day or weekend trip. She used to love it when she was younger. They left overseas for 3 years and came back last summer. Now DD is 15 and the whole dynamic is different.

That’s too often.

[Anonymous]

How old are the other cousins and how many of them are there?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am so torn right down the middle on these responses and they are exactly what I go back and forth on. On one hand, I get the stage she’s in. And unlike authoritarian parenting, I don’t want her to contort herself into obedience (meaning she pretends she’s happy because we demand it, she makes herself small to make it easier for us). On the other hand, part of me is like NO! Family, manners, respect, kindness. Suck it up and don’t be a jerk! These are the values. She needs to learn.

She was such a good kid growing up. Kind, respectful, helpful. She still is that person. But she is also sometimes the person I’ve described above. Had she been a difficult child, I might have been better prepared for this kind of behavior. She’s also the oldest of all the kids and the first teen so it feels like I’m proceeding without a blueprint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Using the excuse that all the cousins are younger is not acceptable. Somebody will always be oldest and always be youngest. In our family the kids range from age 3 to 17, and after 17 is a 14 yr old. When they are present, their electronics are put away, they are engaged, kind, helpful, playing, etc.

Tell your kid that from now on she'll need to attend every event since clearly she needs practice on how to mingle and socialize even when she doesn't feel like it. This is FAMILY.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

If you are seeing them at least once a weekend that doesn’t leave her very much time to decompress and have her own social life. Does she do any activities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We probably see them every weekend at least once. Hanging out at our house or theirs, meeting for dinner, or doing a day or weekend trip. She used to love it when she was younger. They left overseas for 3 years and came back last summer. Now DD is 15 and the whole dynamic is different.

That’s a LOT of family time. She may feel like every weekend is spoken for with required “hanging out” family time, studying, and sports. She may feel like she has no downtime. Heck, on weekends I appreciate a couple hours where I can read a book in peace and not have people demanding my attention.

[Anonymous]

OP says she does not require the daughter to be at every family event so she is not with the extended family every week.

[Anonymous]

Does she sit with the adults or do you expect her to babysit her cousins every weekend? Either way I would ask her for an hour or so and then let her bail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We probably see them every weekend at least once. Hanging out at our house or theirs, meeting for dinner, or doing a day or weekend trip. She used to love it when she was younger. They left overseas for 3 years and came back last summer. Now DD is 15 and the whole dynamic is different.

That’s too often.

Way too frequent in my opinion for it to be even a little fun for a 15 year old. If it was once every third weekend then fine. Either way she should not say rude things to them, but if she wants to be alone or hang with friends instead that is understandable given it is every weekend. I think you may be asking too much regarding time she is expected to put on a happy face when she would rather be doing anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she sit with the adults or do you expect her to babysit her cousins every weekend? Either way I would ask her for an hour or so and then let her bail.

This is reasonable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am so torn right down the middle on these responses and they are exactly what I go back and forth on. On one hand, I get the stage she’s in. And unlike authoritarian parenting, I don’t want her to contort herself into obedience (meaning she pretends she’s happy because we demand it, she makes herself small to make it easier for us). On the other hand, part of me is like NO! Family, manners, respect, kindness. Suck it up and don’t be a jerk! These are the values. She needs to learn.

She was such a good kid growing up. Kind, respectful, helpful. She still is that person. But she is also sometimes the person I’ve described above. Had she been a difficult child, I might have been better prepared for this kind of behavior. She’s also the oldest of all the kids and the first teen so it feels like I’m proceeding without a blueprint.

I think there is a middle ground. You can try to connect with her consistently and then when in a good place have an honest discussion about how she feels. Does she resent being forced to hang out with family every weekend? What else is going on?
I would try to connect, support her, see things from her point of view and then also let her know that she is an important member of the family and her presence matters and her behavior matters. I would also allow her to bail early after connecting with the group as needed, or skip gatherings once in a while if she has other things with friends etc. I think it will take time to find balance.

[Anonymous]

Is it normal for a teen to feel this way about her family? Does this say something about her character?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it normal for a teen to feel this way about her family? Does this say something about her character?

it says something about her hormones

[Anonymous]

My DD is 15, her local boy cousins are 7 and 10 and she has a 13 year old brother in between. She loves being with them for a while and then she likes to do her own thing and then comes back to them. Part of that is the gender difference, part age, and part is just letting her make some decisions about her own time. A few years ago, around 12/13 we had a stretch of only wanting to be on electronics and not okay with her cousins. We redirected that and showed her what balance looks like. An hour of play, 20 minute break. It’s pretty much held and she’s never resented being the oldest and having to hang out with younger kids. We don’t get together as often or for the length of time you do, so it probably feels more special when they’re together. But I get where you are coming from, it’s hard.

Now flip younger cousins for her grandma with dementia in a nursing home and we got the sour and bad behavior in spades recently. That we had a real hard conversation with her about her rudeness and how outright embarrassing her behavior was. We told her she needed 15 minutes of friendliness where she asked full sentence questions and gave full sentence answers. And it got better. But boy was I shocked the first time that happened.

[Anonymous]

I agree this is unacceptable and I would be furious about it if I was her mom but I’d probably respond by keeping her away from the extended family rather than pushing her more, which is not likely to actually work.

If she has been generally a good kid I would assume this is a phase and time and maturity will solve the problem.

Meanwhile don’t subject your family to her. Tell her to just stay in her room, or stay home, if she can’t be polite.