Alternative to a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not actually work on becoming the partners you want each other to be? Sit down, discuss it as third option and work on it.

DP. That third option is not always viable.

Sometimes people like who they are and don't want to change for a partner.

My sister is quiet and sweet. She realized that she had to be more outspoken to make her marriage work. She was not interested in changing who she was. She does very well in other aspects of her life. And there is no way her DH would change if she was not more outspoken. So the marriage was doomed and she knew it.

That’s fine if there are no kids involved. If there are kids in the picture one or both spouses should consider not being so selfish and self-absorbed.

“But I LIKE me!” Guess what? Your kids don’t give a crap how much you like yourself. Your kids want a stable family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have been married a long long time and our kids are grown. We largely live separate lives and largely live in separate homes (we have two). We do travel together on occasion and spend lots of time together when we’re with extended family. We never argue about money because we are pretty well off and we’re both conservative spenders.

My spouse definitely hates my guts though. It’s hard for them to be around me. I don’t feel the same way but I get tired of the tension sometimes.

Why are you still married?

+1. I don’t understand if hated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's going to be unhappy/grumpy anyway, do what suits you. Move to the basement. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but even if it doesn't, you're supposed to fill your own cup first.

I'm with PP above who has a whole separate housing situation from my "spouse". We aren't formally divorced because of the financial logistics and the kid our kids would take. But, for all practical purposes (including seeing other people), we are separated. It's not what I wanted, but it's what works best for our family, and I'm much happier now than when we had to share space.

Your happiness matters. Do what's best for you. As long as you're not doing it to spite him, your family will be fine.

Only a 1990s self-help book would have more aphorisms than you. Sheesh. How about nut up and work on your marriage.

I married an abuser, and can see why you'd want a spouse to keep going in that dynamic, no matter what. How about you nut up and mind your own fscking business instead of acting like you know the first thing about mine, eh dickbiscuit?

DP but holy sh!t! Are you sure your spouse was the only abuser in your marriage?

Telling a troll to mind their business is abuse now? Oh, DCUM...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you make the basement your own room even if you don't sleep in it, or if you do so only occasionally?

Could you open up your marriage? Even if you don’t want a physical affair maybe it would improve his mood. And then it would allow you to have an emotional affair.

I’m happily married, but I wonder how people go about finding a partner if they are seeking an EA. For physical affairs there are lots of sites and apps. Or people can just go to a bar. What do people do when they just want to fall in love and never be physically intimate?

Definitely don't look for a man. Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not actually work on becoming the partners you want each other to be? Sit down, discuss it as third option and work on it.

DP. That third option is not always viable.

Sometimes people like who they are and don't want to change for a partner.

My sister is quiet and sweet. She realized that she had to be more outspoken to make her marriage work. She was not interested in changing who she was. She does very well in other aspects of her life. And there is no way her DH would change if she was not more outspoken. So the marriage was doomed and she knew it.

That’s fine if there are no kids involved. If there are kids in the picture one or both spouses should consider not being so selfish and self-absorbed.

“But I LIKE me!” Guess what? Your kids don’t give a crap how much you like yourself. Your kids want a stable family.

I get your point.

However it's important that you model self love to your kids. It's not healthy growing up with miserable parents.

There is a balance here, abd it can be found if both people change a little to meet un the middle. If one person has to do a 180, they'll kill themselves trying.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I live in separate residences 90% of the time. He has anger issues to the point of severe verbal and emotional abusiveness, and I finally told him I wanted him out. I said I was not giving up on our marriage but felt like he was not experiencing any negative consequences of his explosive anger: I always forgave him. I told him he had two choices: move out, get into therapy, and we would stay married while he works on his issues, or we could just get divorced. He wanted to stay married.

Fast forward a few years: he has made some progress (fewer huge explosions) but not a lot. We have meals together a few times a week, go to events as a couple, spend holidays together and sometimes travel together, and we often spend weekends together at our vacation house. I love him. I really do. But I am about 1000x happier not cohabiting with him most of the time.

I am still struggling with whether this is good enough to stay in long term if it never gets any better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce and live in the same house.

All downside, no upside

Financial upside

Yeah for the man.

What? No, for both.

Usually its worse for the women
https://fortune.com/2023/08/23/divorce-laws-designed-create-unnecessary-financial-hardship-women-personal-finance/amp/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have been married a long long time and our kids are grown. We largely live separate lives and largely live in separate homes (we have two). We do travel together on occasion and spend lots of time together when we’re with extended family. We never argue about money because we are pretty well off and we’re both conservative spenders.

My spouse definitely hates my guts though. It’s hard for them to be around me. I don’t feel the same way but I get tired of the tension sometimes.

Hmm. So if your spouse hates you so much why don’t they file for divorce?
Paperwork not their thing? Image?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From my experience, this separation in place arrangement only works in two situations - 1) if at least one of the people involved is very unrealistic about what marriage is, and what they end up with is actually on the spectrum of “normal”, even though they are not a fairy tale version of a marriage or 2) if one of the people involved is highly dependent on the other (usually financially, but not always), and so they have a good reason to constantly remind themselves that it’s worth it. All other couples I know who tried it eventually divorced for real.

Ives seen 3) where one partner has mental disorders or aspergers, and they live in separate houses or parts of the house. Better for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my experience, this separation in place arrangement only works in two situations - 1) if at least one of the people involved is very unrealistic about what marriage is, and what they end up with is actually on the spectrum of “normal”, even though they are not a fairy tale version of a marriage or 2) if one of the people involved is highly dependent on the other (usually financially, but not always), and so they have a good reason to constantly remind themselves that it’s worth it. All other couples I know who tried it eventually divorced for real.

This is my situation. We built another house (double lot) to save our marriage

Ives seen 3) where one partner has mental disorders or aspergers, and they live in separate houses or parts of the house. Better for everyone.