Alternative to a divorce?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been reading discussions on this board and noticed that many mention “meh marriage” or “dead marriage” but are not willing to divorce due to logistics (kids, finances etc)

Sadly, I am finding myself in a similar place lately. Or, maybe, it’s just a crisis in our marriage? But it’s becoming quite dreadful. DH is always unhappy and grumpy. And I find myself in a worst mood when around him. If he goes to a business trip, I really enjoy my time alone with kids. I notice that I am just more happy and positive and myself when he is not around. I fantasize about us having a second property and living in different places, maybe just spending weekends together. But it’s impossible because financially we are not well off. And we have kids.

So I have been thinking about it for a while now, and decided that divorce is not an option, at least for now. It is just not worth it because I won’t be gaining anything (I DON’T want to re-marry) and we will destroy our finances and really hurt the kids. Also, we both will be hurt too, since we don’t have much of the family except for each other and we’ve been together for many years. And I do care for him and I am sure he care about me too. We are just not emotionally close and don’t bring the best in each other.

How do I “separate” (without actually getting separated) and start living my own life? I mainly would like to find a way not to get affected by his bad mood (which has recently been almost constant) How do I find ways to enjoy life more? Have an emotional affair? (I don’t think I can stomach a physical one, it just won’t feel right) Get in better shape? I am 10 pounds overweight. I desperately want to have my own bedroom but DH gets upset when I mention the idea and frankly, that could only be our basement, at least until kids are out. I was sick with Covid and quarantined myself for 10 days in the bedroom and it was absolutely tranquil.

We both work from home and I am sure it’s making things worse. But I am not able to change jobs at the moment and my work is all remote for everyone in our company. There is not a physical office. And DH will never agree to go to the office because he hates it.

I started therapy and it helps me with acceptance of the fact that I don’t (and probably never will) have a happy marriage. It’s a loss and I am coming to terms with it. I don’t know if I can improve our marriage, but at this point the goal is to make it suck less, at least for me.

Any of you in a similar situation? How are you doing it?

[Anonymous]

https://5lovelanguages.com/

[Anonymous]

Just start doing what you want. Move to your own basement. Sign up for classes, go out with your friends. DH and i call it separation in place and it saved our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Can you make the basement your own room even if you don't sleep in it, or if you do so only occasionally?

Could you open up your marriage? Even if you don’t want a physical affair maybe it would improve his mood. And then it would allow you to have an emotional affair.

[Anonymous]

Also, could you work in a coffee shop or coworking space occasionally?

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I have been married a long long time and our kids are grown. We largely live separate lives and largely live in separate homes (we have two). We do travel together on occasion and spend lots of time together when we’re with extended family. We never argue about money because we are pretty well off and we’re both conservative spenders.

My spouse definitely hates my guts though. It’s hard for them to be around me. I don’t feel the same way but I get tired of the tension sometimes.

[Anonymous]

What kind of advice can we offer OP? You don't care for the household tension, but you don’t want to leave. Pick a lane.

[Anonymous]

If he's going to be unhappy/grumpy anyway, do what suits you. Move to the basement. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but even if it doesn't, you're supposed to fill your own cup first.

I'm with PP above who has a whole separate housing situation from my "spouse". We aren't formally divorced because of the financial logistics and the kid our kids would take. But, for all practical purposes (including seeing other people), we are separated. It's not what I wanted, but it's what works best for our family, and I'm much happier now than when we had to share space.

Your happiness matters. Do what's best for you. As long as you're not doing it to spite him, your family will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's going to be unhappy/grumpy anyway, do what suits you. Move to the basement. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but even if it doesn't, you're supposed to fill your own cup first.

I'm with PP above who has a whole separate housing situation from my "spouse". We aren't formally divorced because of the financial logistics and the kid our kids would take. But, for all practical purposes (including seeing other people), we are separated. It's not what I wanted, but it's what works best for our family, and I'm much happier now than when we had to share space.

Your happiness matters. Do what's best for you. As long as you're not doing it to spite him, your family will be fine.

*the hit our kids would take

[Anonymous]

Does he acknowledge he is unhappy? Would he talk to a doctor about anxiety and depression? Would he see a therapist?

Assuming he will do none of these things, you likely need to just claim your own time and space. Investigate how much it would cost to rent an office in a co-working space once a week (or more). See if you could work from the public library. Set up the basement as your own separate space — start sleeping there once a week and go from there.

And also, just stop caring about his bad moods. If he won’t do anything about it, just try to ignore it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's going to be unhappy/grumpy anyway, do what suits you. Move to the basement. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but even if it doesn't, you're supposed to fill your own cup first.

I'm with PP above who has a whole separate housing situation from my "spouse". We aren't formally divorced because of the financial logistics and the kid our kids would take. But, for all practical purposes (including seeing other people), we are separated. It's not what I wanted, but it's what works best for our family, and I'm much happier now than when we had to share space.

Your happiness matters. Do what's best for you. As long as you're not doing it to spite him, your family will be fine.

Only a 1990s self-help book would have more aphorisms than you. Sheesh. How about nut up and work on your marriage.

[Anonymous]

The VAST majority of the time, an open marriage just leads to divorce.

So if you want an open marriage it probably makes sense to just rip the band aid off.

[Anonymous]

I’m so curious: what is his objection to the separate bedroom. That may be helpful info

[Anonymous]

Move to the basement. He can't stop you. Tells him you're tired of his grumpiness and bad attitude.

[Anonymous]

I understand the pull to stay married to someone you don’t like due to finances but you only have one life. Is this really how you want to spend it? If the answer is yes then I guess you’ll have to find a way to make it tolerable. Work from home somewhere else. Lots of coffee shops and restaurants you could use or a coworking space. Or even see if a friend would let you borrow a room every so often.

Just remember it takes two to stay married so if your spouse decides they don’t want to continue the status quo you’ll have to move on anyway.