Why doesn’t DD have a boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High school “romance” may have made an iota of sense when people routinely got married immediately after or just a few years after graduation, often entering into employment and starting a family with no plans or thoughts of college.

Nowadays, high school is in most cases preparation for college, which frequently is preparation for more career-oriented grad school, and even that often is followed by even more focused professional training. A young woman nowadays really isn’t “marriageable” in the classic sense until she’s at least 22, and more likely even 25-30.

Under these circumstances, the idea that “practice intimacy” has any value to a young woman is ridiculous. Any dubious and immature “experience” she might gain with an equally immature boy (or, God forbid, an exploitative older man) is more likely to stunt her personal and emotional growth than to provide a foundation for a lasting adult relationship and family life. Not to mention the dangers of disease and/or unplanned pregnancy as PP’s have observed.

It may be hormonally “normal” for kids to be interested in “romance” but it makes no sense for them to be acting on that before it actually has some productive use in their life. Relationships are not just entertainment, and Bob Seeger was right when he described “young love” as “I used her, she used me, and neither one cared, we were getting our share.”

Your younger daughter is the one you should be worried about.

This is an adult/parent perspective though. And objectively true but it’s not how the kids are usually thinking of the situation. I had next to zero romantic experiences in high school (one bad kiss and a couple dates with guys I didn’t really like) and it makes a person feel like there is something wrong with you, that you are unattractive. Even the most successful future driven kids aren’t immune from this feeling. In the long run it’s a better ending than the kids who are more focused on their dating life than school but still

[Anonymous]

Is she prettier than her sister?

I aske because some girls, I was one, fall into the not-pretty enough for the really good looking boys and too pretty for all the others. They of course pine for the really good-looking ones who pass them over and would probably date a guy the next tier down but those guys think she's out of their league.
The not quite as pretty girls with good self confidence seem to be the ones who get boyfriends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty sure my 15-year-old hasn't had any romantic experiences. She's pretty focused on school, sports and her friends. I was the same way. Your 15-year-old is probably seeking out that stuff and your 16-year-old probably isn't.

Exactly. Be thankful one of them isn't social that way. It's just more distraction they don't need before college applications.
Your 16 year old DD may "yearn" for a romantic relationship without really wanting one in real life, or perhaps she does want one, but isn't social in that way. From a parental perspective, I'd be relieved. I didn't date until I was in college, and my high school experience was much better for it.

Kids in HS school now are going to be so messed up coming out of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll.

Perhaps, but to her surprise, a thoughtful discussion broke out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High school “romance” may have made an iota of sense when people routinely got married immediately after or just a few years after graduation, often entering into employment and starting a family with no plans or thoughts of college.

Nowadays, high school is in most cases preparation for college, which frequently is preparation for more career-oriented grad school, and even that often is followed by even more focused professional training. A young woman nowadays really isn’t “marriageable” in the classic sense until she’s at least 22, and more likely even 25-30.

Under these circumstances, the idea that “practice intimacy” has any value to a young woman is ridiculous. Any dubious and immature “experience” she might gain with an equally immature boy (or, God forbid, an exploitative older man) is more likely to stunt her personal and emotional growth than to provide a foundation for a lasting adult relationship and family life. Not to mention the dangers of disease and/or unplanned pregnancy as PP’s have observed.

It may be hormonally “normal” for kids to be interested in “romance” but it makes no sense for them to be acting on that before it actually has some productive use in their life. Relationships are not just entertainment, and Bob Seeger was right when he described “young love” as “I used her, she used me, and neither one cared, we were getting our share.”

Your younger daughter is the one you should be worried about.

+1 excellent post. Which more parents thought like us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You answered your own question. 15yo is outgoing and seems up for it. 16yo is reserved.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um maybe personality or other things matter more than just level of prettiness? What an extremely petty post. Hard to believe mothers reduce their own daughters value down to beauty- this is what we all grow up with.

OP here. Of course appearance is the least important thing. Both DDs are intelligent, funny, and athletic. However, let’s be honest; teenage boys tend to focus on looks, especially if it’s just a crush and not a real relationship. Plus, 16 yo is relatively shy/reserved, whereas 15 yo is much more outgoing. Personality takes longer to see in someone than outward appearance.

This is the obvious answer right here ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High school “romance” may have made an iota of sense when people routinely got married immediately after or just a few years after graduation, often entering into employment and starting a family with no plans or thoughts of college.

Nowadays, high school is in most cases preparation for college, which frequently is preparation for more career-oriented grad school, and even that often is followed by even more focused professional training. A young woman nowadays really isn’t “marriageable” in the classic sense until she’s at least 22, and more likely even 25-30.

Under these circumstances, the idea that “practice intimacy” has any value to a young woman is ridiculous. Any dubious and immature “experience” she might gain with an equally immature boy (or, God forbid, an exploitative older man) is more likely to stunt her personal and emotional growth than to provide a foundation for a lasting adult relationship and family life. Not to mention the dangers of disease and/or unplanned pregnancy as PP’s have observed.

It may be hormonally “normal” for kids to be interested in “romance” but it makes no sense for them to be acting on that before it actually has some productive use in their life. Relationships are not just entertainment, and Bob Seeger was right when he described “young love” as “I used her, she used me, and neither one cared, we were getting our share.”

Your younger daughter is the one you should be worried about.

+1 excellent post. Which more parents thought like us.

Disagree. Relationships aren't supposed to be "productive". They are not a means to an end. The emotions in the relationship are the end. Not something to be used for a greater purpose.

And that Seeger lyric is funny, bc I interpret it differently. The narrator is nostalgic for a teenage relationship, where both parties put themselves first, but it was still a good time in their life. It's a feeling most people that had HS relationships can relate to. He's saying the relationship was just 'entertainment' and that was enough. He was right.

To view relationship as only worth when they help achieve some other, undefined/nebulous goal is getting into sociopath territory. Its ok to simply be in a relationship bc you're enjoying the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Nowadays, high school is in most cases preparation for college, which frequently is preparation for more career-oriented grad school, and even that often is followed by even more focused professional training. A young woman nowadays really isn’t “marriageable” in the classic sense until she’s at least 22, and more likely even 25-30.

This is true in more urban/suburban areas, but there are large swaths of the US where marrying right after high school is still fairly common and college is not a given, with the added factor of some religions encouraging early marriage. (It's not uncommon for undergrads to be married at BYU, for instance.) We live in a highly-educated bubble in the DMV that prioritizes education through grad/professional school and career over coupling off and having kids. Don't mistake this for everyone's normal.

I am personally weirded out by people who marry their high school sweethearts, probably because my high school boyfriends, while fun and overall good guys, were not marriage material or a good match for the adult I turned into and it's just not a thing within my social circle. I think it's bizarre to be with the same person you were dating when you were 15, but I have to acknowledge that's my own bias of what I think is normal (college > grad school > no kids until 30) v. what's normal for others.

[Anonymous]

Because you didn’t train her to be an “exceptional woman” and a true meninist.

[Anonymous]

I would be more worried about how much "experience" the 15 yr old has.

I have a 15 yr old DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 yo DD occasionally brings up the fact that she hasn’t had a boyfriend, first kiss, or any romantic experience yet. My 15 yo DD has had quite a few “romantic experiences”- boyfriends, kids who have had crushes on her in the past, etc. 16 yo is extremely pretty and people (relatives, kids at school, other adults) often tell her this. 15 yo is not “objectively” pretty, so why is it that she is more “advanced” in the romance department?

Don’t take this the wrong way. They are both great kids and I have no problem with the fact that 16 yo doesn’t have romantic experiences (obviously)!!

How many guys has she asked out? Is she flirty?

None! I get the feeling she expects them to ask her out.

So why does this thread exist? She doesn't engage with boys, so they don't date her. Mystery solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High school “romance” may have made an iota of sense when people routinely got married immediately after or just a few years after graduation, often entering into employment and starting a family with no plans or thoughts of college.

Nowadays, high school is in most cases preparation for college, which frequently is preparation for more career-oriented grad school, and even that often is followed by even more focused professional training. A young woman nowadays really isn’t “marriageable” in the classic sense until she’s at least 22, and more likely even 25-30.

Under these circumstances, the idea that “practice intimacy” has any value to a young woman is ridiculous. Any dubious and immature “experience” she might gain with an equally immature boy (or, God forbid, an exploitative older man) is more likely to stunt her personal and emotional growth than to provide a foundation for a lasting adult relationship and family life. Not to mention the dangers of disease and/or unplanned pregnancy as PP’s have observed.

It may be hormonally “normal” for kids to be interested in “romance” but it makes no sense for them to be acting on that before it actually has some productive use in their life. Relationships are not just entertainment, and Bob Seeger was right when he described “young love” as “I used her, she used me, and neither one cared, we were getting our share.”

Your younger daughter is the one you should be worried about.

+1 excellent post. Which more parents thought like us.

Disagree. Relationships aren't supposed to be "productive". They are not a means to an end. The emotions in the relationship are the end. Not something to be used for a greater purpose.

And that Seeger lyric is funny, bc I interpret it differently. The narrator is nostalgic for a teenage relationship, where both parties put themselves first, but it was still a good time in their life. It's a feeling most people that had HS relationships can relate to. He's saying the relationship was just 'entertainment' and that was enough. He was right.

To view relationship as only worth when they help achieve some other, undefined/nebulous goal is getting into sociopath territory. Its ok to simply be in a relationship bc you're enjoying the relationship.

the early dating relationships are. they are preparation for mature, long-lasting relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 yo DD occasionally brings up the fact that she hasn’t had a boyfriend, first kiss, or any romantic experience yet. My 15 yo DD has had quite a few “romantic experiences”- boyfriends, kids who have had crushes on her in the past, etc. 16 yo is extremely pretty and people (relatives, kids at school, other adults) often tell her this. 15 yo is not “objectively” pretty, so why is it that she is more “advanced” in the romance department?

Don’t take this the wrong way. They are both great kids and I have no problem with the fact that 16 yo doesn’t have romantic experiences (obviously)!!

How many guys has she asked out? Is she flirty?

None! I get the feeling she expects them to ask her out.

Fwiw, I have a 15 yo son. I get the sense that girls are more “advanced” in this area - meaning, they talk to their friends about boys, they develop crushes, they decide amongst themselves who should pursue which boy. My son has been in the “talking”/very early dating stage with 3 girls and they all approached him first.

And by “pursue,” “approach” I don’t mean that they asked him out. I mean that their friends approached my sons’ friends feeling them out to see if there was any interest. If so, he was expected to take it from there with some hand holding on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High school “romance” may have made an iota of sense when people routinely got married immediately after or just a few years after graduation, often entering into employment and starting a family with no plans or thoughts of college.

Nowadays, high school is in most cases preparation for college, which frequently is preparation for more career-oriented grad school, and even that often is followed by even more focused professional training. A young woman nowadays really isn’t “marriageable” in the classic sense until she’s at least 22, and more likely even 25-30.

Under these circumstances, the idea that “practice intimacy” has any value to a young woman is ridiculous. Any dubious and immature “experience” she might gain with an equally immature boy (or, God forbid, an exploitative older man) is more likely to stunt her personal and emotional growth than to provide a foundation for a lasting adult relationship and family life. Not to mention the dangers of disease and/or unplanned pregnancy as PP’s have observed.

It may be hormonally “normal” for kids to be interested in “romance” but it makes no sense for them to be acting on that before it actually has some productive use in their life. Relationships are not just entertainment, and Bob Seeger was right when he described “young love” as “I used her, she used me, and neither one cared, we were getting our share.”

Your younger daughter is the one you should be worried about.

+1 excellent post. Which more parents thought like us.

Disagree. Relationships aren't supposed to be "productive". They are not a means to an end. The emotions in the relationship are the end. Not something to be used for a greater purpose.

And that Seeger lyric is funny, bc I interpret it differently. The narrator is nostalgic for a teenage relationship, where both parties put themselves first, but it was still a good time in their life. It's a feeling most people that had HS relationships can relate to. He's saying the relationship was just 'entertainment' and that was enough. He was right.

To view relationship as only worth when they help achieve some other, undefined/nebulous goal is getting into sociopath territory. Its ok to simply be in a relationship bc you're enjoying the relationship.

the early dating relationships are. they are preparation for mature, long-lasting relationships.

Well, yeah, I guess, they are "practice" But that's still secondary. The purpose of the relationship is the relationship.

Nobody dates "because this will help me in my next relationship after the current fails!"