Why doesn’t DD have a boyfriend?

[Anonymous]

I am shocked you let your teens use Snap.

That is not happening in our house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um maybe personality or other things matter more than just level of prettiness? What an extremely petty post. Hard to believe mothers reduce their own daughters value down to beauty- this is what we all grow up with.

OP here. Of course appearance is the least important thing. Both DDs are intelligent, funny, and athletic. However, let’s be honest; teenage boys tend to focus on looks, especially if it’s just a crush and not a real relationship. Plus, 16 yo is relatively shy/reserved, whereas 15 yo is much more outgoing. Personality takes longer to see in someone than outward appearance.

Teenage boys focus on looks yes, but they are more focused on not being rejected. Personality and approachability play a role here. The boys want to know the girls are also interested in them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um maybe personality or other things matter more than just level of prettiness? What an extremely petty post. Hard to believe mothers reduce their own daughters value down to beauty- this is what we all grow up with.

OP here. Of course appearance is the least important thing. Both DDs are intelligent, funny, and athletic. However, let’s be honest; teenage boys tend to focus on looks, especially if it’s just a crush and not a real relationship. Plus, 16 yo is relatively shy/reserved, whereas 15 yo is much more outgoing. Personality takes longer to see in someone than outward appearance.

Teenage boys focus on looks yes, but they are more focused on not being rejected. Personality and approachability play a role here. The boys want to know the girls are also interested in them.

Yes! Especially since they spent their middle school years in Covid--this group of 16/17 year olds are a bit stunted socially (even the most "cool" among them).
The girls that are popular with guys and dating are generally those who are easy to talk to.

My 17 year old daughter has some gorgeous friends who have never dated and I think it's mostly because they clam up around guys they're even the slightest bit interested in. This is no criticism-my daughter is the same way and also has not dated. Her friends who can chit chat about sports or movies or silly stuff with guys are the ones who have boyfriends, dates, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um maybe personality or other things matter more than just level of prettiness? What an extremely petty post. Hard to believe mothers reduce their own daughters value down to beauty- this is what we all grow up with.

OP here. Of course appearance is the least important thing. Both DDs are intelligent, funny, and athletic. However, let’s be honest; teenage boys tend to focus on looks, especially if it’s just a crush and not a real relationship. Plus, 16 yo is relatively shy/reserved, whereas 15 yo is much more outgoing. Personality takes longer to see in someone than outward appearance.

Teenage boys focus on looks yes, but they are more focused on not being rejected. Personality and approachability play a role here. The boys want to know the girls are also interested in them.

Yes! Especially since they spent their middle school years in Covid--this group of 16/17 year olds are a bit stunted socially (even the most "cool" among them).
The girls that are popular with guys and dating are generally those who are easy to talk to.

My 17 year old daughter has some gorgeous friends who have never dated and I think it's mostly because they clam up around guys they're even the slightest bit interested in. This is no criticism-my daughter is the same way and also has not dated. Her friends who can chit chat about sports or movies or silly stuff with guys are the ones who have boyfriends, dates, etc.

All of this. I see it with my 16yo and her friends. Missing half of middle school made some things different. They missed out on those awkward middle school dances. The friends who are always paired up are the ones that are very comfortable talking with boys.

[Anonymous]

Also, this could be a chicken & egg thing. Having experience dating makes you more comfortable talking to potential interests.

[Anonymous]

Agree looks matter less than personality. All the girls that lots of boys have a crush on at DD's schools according to DD are not pretty in the traditional sense and no one pays attention to some of the really pretty girls.

The girls the boys like are really outgoing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 16 yo DD occasionally brings up the fact that she hasn’t had a boyfriend, first kiss, or any romantic experience yet. My 15 yo DD has had quite a few “romantic experiences”- boyfriends, kids who have had crushes on her in the past, etc. 16 yo is extremely pretty and people (relatives, kids at school, other adults) often tell her this. 15 yo is not “objectively” pretty, so why is it that she is more “advanced” in the romance department?

Don’t take this the wrong way. They are both great kids and I have no problem with the fact that 16 yo doesn’t have romantic experiences (obviously)!!

I'm a little nervous about the responses you might have gotten -- going to respond before reading them. I have a similar DD. A couple of possibilities.

1.) Shyness/anxiety
2.) Maybe gay
3.) Precedent in her friend group. If a lot of her friends are not dating, she might not want to
4.) Self-preservation. She may be nervous about pressure for sex
5.) Could just be the cohort in her school -- the "right one" just isn't there
6.) She could be a little immature, but in a positive way -- just not ready in general

I try to create NO PRESSURE in this department. It would be worse for them to date someone they don't really like.

[Anonymous]

My 17yo DD has had plenty of interest from boys but she always backs off (chickens out) at the last minute. I told her that prob means she’s not ready. Which is 100% fine! Every kid is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 17yo DD has had plenty of interest from boys but she always backs off (chickens out) at the last minute. I told her that prob means she’s not ready. Which is 100% fine! Every kid is different.

To clarify I don’t mean chickenss out with physical activity, but going on a date or saying they’re a couple

[Anonymous]

16 is still so young. They don't need to be doing anything, romance-wise.

[Anonymous]

I am guessing that your DD feels some pressure to do things first because she's older. It would probably be helpful to let her know that everyone has their own timelines and she shouldn't feel like she has to get somewhere before younger sib does.

If it were my kid, I think I'd ask what they think about it. It's really hard to tell from your post what's going on behind the comment--is it just an offhand observation? Is she feeling bad about herself? Is she interested in dating right now, or is it just that she figured she would date someone before her younger sister did?

[Anonymous]

High school “romance” may have made an iota of sense when people routinely got married immediately after or just a few years after graduation, often entering into employment and starting a family with no plans or thoughts of college.

Nowadays, high school is in most cases preparation for college, which frequently is preparation for more career-oriented grad school, and even that often is followed by even more focused professional training. A young woman nowadays really isn’t “marriageable” in the classic sense until she’s at least 22, and more likely even 25-30.

Under these circumstances, the idea that “practice intimacy” has any value to a young woman is ridiculous. Any dubious and immature “experience” she might gain with an equally immature boy (or, God forbid, an exploitative older man) is more likely to stunt her personal and emotional growth than to provide a foundation for a lasting adult relationship and family life. Not to mention the dangers of disease and/or unplanned pregnancy as PP’s have observed.

It may be hormonally “normal” for kids to be interested in “romance” but it makes no sense for them to be acting on that before it actually has some productive use in their life. Relationships are not just entertainment, and Bob Seeger was right when he described “young love” as “I used her, she used me, and neither one cared, we were getting our share.”

Your younger daughter is the one you should be worried about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, this could be a chicken & egg thing. Having experience dating makes you more comfortable talking to potential interests.

100%. My daughter had her first kiss/romantic anything late freshman year at 15. Before that absolutely nothing through middle school and freshman year. After dating that boy after a few months, she’s always bringing guys around. Once kids get their first dating experiences, they seem to continue to have them. Her and all of her girlfriends are super pretty girls but about half of them seem to have no experience with dating, and hearing them talk amongst themselves it’s not bc they aren’t interested, they are just too scared to do anything, exactly how my daughter was at 15. Her first kiss/bf was her best guy friend so I guess that made it less scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree looks matter less than personality. All the girls that lots of boys have a crush on at DD's schools according to DD are not pretty in the traditional sense and no one pays attention to some of the really pretty girls.

The girls the boys like are really outgoing.

Same with the boys that the girls like. My daughter had a few shy/quiet/awkward boys interested in her and she entertained the idea bc they were tall and attractive (being over 6 foot tall apparently gives you a major edge lol) but she couldn’t get it off the ground and she lost interest. She says she likes outgoing, talkative “out of pocket” boys and seems like her girlfriends do too (which is unfortunate bc they don’t seem to make the best boyfriends and I get the sweet quiet boys would)

[Anonymous]

OP is a troll.