Attending Funeral of Estranged Family Member

[Anonymous]

What about an uncle (father's brother) who was creepy with you as an adult? This uncle died recently-a memorial service hasn't been scheduled yet but most likely will. Attending would involve a flying (a short flight-less than 2 hours). This uncle groped me and made inappropriate comments many years ago when he was drunk and I was in my 20's. He also made creepy comments on another occasion. Only one other person in my family knows about this-I kept silent about it because I didn't want to create family drama and I didn't think I would be believed. I'm not close to his children (although my sister is) but have cordial relationships with them and my aunt (there was never any drama-I'm just not close with them).

I really don't want to go to the service but am not sure how I can get out of it. I know I will look bad but the thought of sitting through the service hearing about how wonderful he was makes me sick.

[Anonymous]

If BIL dies, we would go for DH’s parents sake.

BIL is antisocial personality disorder (he would deny it), untreated and a complete a$$. DH has not spoken to him in 14 years. It is no secret we are estranged, our kids just know of him (they were 18 months and 5 the last time we saw him). Sadly (pathetically) likely 95+% of the people at any services would be like us, there only for the parents and to mourn what could have been.

I only share to give an example of when I would go. Many of the stories on here I would absolutely not go. Kudos to all the people that have drawn and keep great boundaries with abusive and/intolerant family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a social norm on this? Say you haven't spoken with your uncle in 8 years and he drops dead at 72. Your siblings and cousins plan on attending the funeral but you don't.

Would you attend?

This will be in my future with my father, who I have not spoken to in over 20 years. And I have good reasons for it. He's in poor health yet, like most awful people, is hanging on and sucking the life out of those around him. His wife occasionally contacts me to re-start communication but no thank you.

I have thought long and hard about what I'd do and I will not be going. I mourned the father I had, and the one I wished I had and saw in other families, decades ago. I feel nothing towards him and don't feel like paying respects to someone who doesn't deserve it.

Sounds harsh but, if you knew him and how he treats people, it's not.

This is me except with my mom and virtually every single person on her side of my family. They’re evangelicals and I’m trans.

Similar circumstances with my parents and their reaction to my adult child being trans, along with a lifetime of physical and emotional abuse they hurled at my sister and me.

My sister asks occasionally if I would go visit them on their deathbed or to help with end of life care. I try to explain to her that of course it will be emotional for me to hear about a terminal illness or death of my parents, but I already lost them in my life and I’ve mourned that loss, along with the loss of ever having the parents I needed or wanted. I can’t imagine an apology or way to make amends that would be worth the emotional trauma of dealing with them and being afraid of them hurting me and my family again. I can’t trust them.

She’s also estranged from them, but I think she’d go running to them if they asked for her to visit in their final days. I know she expects to go to their funeral someday. My feeling is that if she wants that, she should just reconcile with them now and get on with it. Why cut off contact if your plan is to make nice at the end of life or the funeral when it’s too late?

Thank you so much for sharing that and thank you for being there for your trans child. Please give them an extra long hug next time you see them!

I’ve thought about what I’d do if my mom apologized and tried to reconnect. I don’t think I could do it. She’s ashamed of me and I know that any “acceptance” would come only after her own parents pass away (they are quite old at this point and I don’t expect them to make it through the decade). I also have her only grandchild and because of this, I would always be suspicious that she’s only trying to reconnect with me to get in contact with my child. She’s also extremely racist and homophobic (in addition to transphobic) though she attempts to hide it with strangers. I remember her telling me that white people should never marry or date black people as a lesson on dating when I was in middle school. Of course she reminded me to never talk about it in public.

So yeah it’s possible she has changed since I was raised but I would suspect not. I don’t want to reopen the painful wounds from when I came out and started my transition nor do I want her racist beliefs passed onto my child. I just don’t see how I could ever reconnect. It would take a lot of changes from her part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about an uncle (father's brother) who was creepy with you as an adult? This uncle died recently-a memorial service hasn't been scheduled yet but most likely will. Attending would involve a flying (a short flight-less than 2 hours). This uncle groped me and made inappropriate comments many years ago when he was drunk and I was in my 20's. He also made creepy comments on another occasion. Only one other person in my family knows about this-I kept silent about it because I didn't want to create family drama and I didn't think I would be believed. I'm not close to his children (although my sister is) but have cordial relationships with them and my aunt (there was never any drama-I'm just not close with them).

I really don't want to go to the service but am not sure how I can get out of it. I know I will look bad but the thought of sitting through the service hearing about how wonderful he was makes me sick.

Unfortunately, you have COVID.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about an uncle (father's brother) who was creepy with you as an adult? This uncle died recently-a memorial service hasn't been scheduled yet but most likely will. Attending would involve a flying (a short flight-less than 2 hours). This uncle groped me and made inappropriate comments many years ago when he was drunk and I was in my 20's. He also made creepy comments on another occasion. Only one other person in my family knows about this-I kept silent about it because I didn't want to create family drama and I didn't think I would be believed. I'm not close to his children (although my sister is) but have cordial relationships with them and my aunt (there was never any drama-I'm just not close with them).

I really don't want to go to the service but am not sure how I can get out of it. I know I will look bad but the thought of sitting through the service hearing about how wonderful he was makes me sick.

I think you have a business trip elsewhere that week, too bad!

But seriously, do not feel bad about not attending the funeral of an incesty-groper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about an uncle (father's brother) who was creepy with you as an adult? This uncle died recently-a memorial service hasn't been scheduled yet but most likely will. Attending would involve a flying (a short flight-less than 2 hours). This uncle groped me and made inappropriate comments many years ago when he was drunk and I was in my 20's. He also made creepy comments on another occasion. Only one other person in my family knows about this-I kept silent about it because I didn't want to create family drama and I didn't think I would be believed. I'm not close to his children (although my sister is) but have cordial relationships with them and my aunt (there was never any drama-I'm just not close with them).

I really don't want to go to the service but am not sure how I can get out of it. I know I will look bad but the thought of sitting through the service hearing about how wonderful he was makes me sick.

This was one of my uncles, though I was a child and he did touch me. Multiple times.
I had the benefit of not living nearby by then. But if I had been closer to my hometown, I would have come down with the flu. I would not have been believed either as this was the "fun uncle" that everyone loved. Life of the party and all that.