Attending Funeral of Estranged Family Member

[Anonymous]

Is there a social norm on this? Say you haven't spoken with your uncle in 8 years and he drops dead at 72. Your siblings and cousins plan on attending the funeral but you don't.

Would you attend?

[Anonymous]

Do you want to spend part of your life hearing everyone talk about how wonderful this person is? I wouldn’t go.

[Anonymous]

How would anyone know? You are an adult. You get to make these decisions and live by any consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a social norm on this? Say you haven't spoken with your uncle in 8 years and he drops dead at 72. Your siblings and cousins plan on attending the funeral but you don't.

Would you attend?

No. Not if truly estranged and a bad apple.

Only if local, ok time and someone going needed more support.

Those who go to estranged people funerals either want gossip & drama or are the types to never know what to do.

[Anonymous]

My aspergers husband thinks he needs to go to every he ever hears about. Flying. 3 degrees of separation. A neighbor they never spoke to. A coworkers spouse, they barely knew either.
No sense of judgment or appropriateness. Just guessing in the dark.

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would anyone know? You are an adult. You get to make these decisions and live by any consequences.

Presumably people would notice that you didn't show up.

Years ago I had a horrible manager that dropped dead unexpectedly of cardiac arrest- at the office no less- at age 55. Everyone at work attended the funeral and some brought their spouses.

I didn't attend because I hated the guy and thought it would be disrepectful faking it.

Looking back, I should have just sucked it up and gone to avoid the questions about why I didn't attend.

[Anonymous]

No and have a good excuse

[Anonymous]

Why would you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My aspergers husband thinks he needs to go to every he ever hears about. Flying. 3 degrees of separation. A neighbor they never spoke to. A coworkers spouse, they barely knew either.
No sense of judgment or appropriateness. Just guessing in the dark.

That actually sounds very kind.

[Anonymous]

Who would you be going for? Not being snarky, just something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Why are you estranged?

[Anonymous]

I have relatives I haven't seen in actual decades. We're not estranged - we just live on opposite sides of the country, don't travel to each other's sides and have never been close. So for that type of relative, I'd write a really nice card but not spend the money on their funeral. They're dead - they won't know. You attend a funeral to support and comfort the living and to say goodbye to the dead. If you aren't close to the people in mourning and don't need the closure of the funeral, don't go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aspergers husband thinks he needs to go to every he ever hears about. Flying. 3 degrees of separation. A neighbor they never spoke to. A coworkers spouse, they barely knew either.
No sense of judgment or appropriateness. Just guessing in the dark.

That actually sounds very kind.

+1. From experience, most people would be appreciative of his effort.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t seen my aunt’s estranged husband in a gazillion years. If he died and I heard about it, I’d go. Even though he hasn’t been around lately, he was still a part of my childhood. And the father of my cousins, who I’m very fond of.

Once upon a time, going to a funeral used to be called “paying your respects”. Does it cost you that much to do that?