Deceased cousin's husband had new girlfriend 3 WEEKS after cousin's funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the illness was that long, some mourn along the way and when death finally comes, it is a relief and release. It happens as people process loss differently.

Yes, it's anticipatory grieving and the surviving spouse is further along in the process than if the death happened suddenly.

I am the OP.

I can understand this. My cousin had been diagnosed with a progressive illness around 1.5 years before her death. I suspect she had been feeling unwell and was struggling with gradual physical decline for some time before her diagnosis.

The first wife of my cousin's husband went through a similar ordeal before she died.

I think you should focus on the things you said about how he took very good care of her while she was declining and dying and leave it at that. That's all that matters to your cousin, because now she's no longer here and she doesn't have feelings either way about his new friendship/relationship. Why should you? He loved and took loving care of your cousin. He's a good guy and he's not long for this world and like most men - especially those who were happily married - he doesn't want to be alone, he wants to be loved and cared for. Since he's lovingly cared for two wives as they declined and died, surely he's earned the right to have someone lovingly care for him as the same happens in his aging?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was off on a tropical vacation with my mother's friend about 6 weeks after mom's death. He declared it his best vacation ever, including all the ones he took with us kids.

That was unnecessarily hurtful on your father’s part to make such a declaration, but on the upside, it’s very nice that you don’t need to caretake or console him and you can focus on working through your own grief and loss.

[Anonymous]

I have to say I have honestly never imagined that if one of my parents passes first the other would remarry, but I suppose they might. Hmm.

Socially, I'd love for them to have a companion, and I think both would have lots of "desirable" options.

Financially, yes, I suppose I'd have to chat with them about how to re-define arrangements with financial advisors. They are very engaged with their financial advisor and I have to imagine they've addressed this already, but if one were to get married I am not sure how laws or new feelings would affect their plans. I am not opposed to a new husband or wife being taken care of in a fair and kind way (my parents have enough money that I don't need all of it, I am an only child) but I do think that steps need to be taken to ensure the bulk goes to family of origin (me, my family) and no step-kids in their 50s or 60s profit from my parents (besides maybe the sale of a modest house after their biological parent passes, I'd be OK with that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the illness was that long, some mourn along the way and when death finally comes, it is a relief and release. It happens as people process loss differently.

Yes, it's anticipatory grieving and the surviving spouse is further along in the process than if the death happened suddenly.

I am the OP.

I can understand this. My cousin had been diagnosed with a progressive illness around 1.5 years before her death. I suspect she had been feeling unwell and was struggling with gradual physical decline for some time before her diagnosis.

The first wife of my cousin's husband went through a similar ordeal before she died.

I think you should focus on the things you said about how he took very good care of her while she was declining and dying and leave it at that. That's all that matters to your cousin, because now she's no longer here and she doesn't have feelings either way about his new friendship/relationship. Why should you? He loved and took loving care of your cousin. He's a good guy and he's not long for this world and like most men - especially those who were happily married - he doesn't want to be alone, he wants to be loved and cared for. Since he's lovingly cared for two wives as they declined and died, surely he's earned the right to have someone lovingly care for him as the same happens in his aging?

+100
This post above is perfectly stated.
OP—the best thing you can do for your cousin is to gently guide the son in embracing this mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had had the new girlfriend on deck for awhile. If not more than on deck.

People always underestimate the elderly, lol.

OP again.
Whatever the case may be, I think it must be hurtful for my cousin's adult children.
I get that the husband doesn't want to be alone for the remaining years of his life, but 3 weeks after the funeral feels way too soon. And if he'd already had someone new lined up he could at least have made an effort to hide it for a little longer, for the sake of her children.

For another perspective, I got too much information from my grandfather. My grandmother was dying of cancer, and she made a plan and actually picked out who my grandfather should date after she died. That's who he picked. He told me that there were so many women after him in his condo, that he had no choice but to make a selection rapidly and make it clear. So, in his case, it was something that he and his partner actively wanted, and it was a move to fend off other suitors. Unfortunately, eligible old men are scarce, I guess.

So was it more like a practical arrangement and not a case of being 'in love'?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say I have honestly never imagined that if one of my parents passes first the other would remarry, but I suppose they might. Hmm.

Socially, I'd love for them to have a companion, and I think both would have lots of "desirable" options.

Financially, yes, I suppose I'd have to chat with them about how to re-define arrangements with financial advisors. They are very engaged with their financial advisor and I have to imagine they've addressed this already, but if one were to get married I am not sure how laws or new feelings would affect their plans. I am not opposed to a new husband or wife being taken care of in a fair and kind way (my parents have enough money that I don't need all of it, I am an only child) but I do think that steps need to be taken to ensure the bulk goes to family of origin (me, my family) and no step-kids in their 50s or 60s profit from my parents (besides maybe the sale of a modest house after their biological parent passes, I'd be OK with that).

You really have no say in this. I’m a pp whose FIL was enagaged within 4 months of MIL’s death. Upon hearing of the engagement, one of Dh’s siblings tried to talk to FIL about this. He refused to discuss it and would not entertain the idea of a prenup or any trusts, etc. He was fine with the new wife getting everything if he predeceased her.

[Anonymous]

Common. After my mom died (after a 2yr illness..cancer) my stepdad had a live in girlfriend already 3mos later. She moved into the house and was changing things around as she liked, getting rid of some of my mom’s things etc. He is in his mid 60s (as was my mom- 1st marriage for both, she was never married to my bio dad).

It has been really really hard on my 2 younger sisters (his daughters). He actually brought the girlfriend to my sister’s wedding 5mos after our mom died- and she was seated next to him and they were physically affectionate/kind of cuddly, danced together etc. Honestly, I felt that was an absolutely horrible thing to do to my sister. She was so upset, and stepdads relationship was the #1 topic and focus at her wedding (rather than the bride and groom). We don’t disapprove of the relationship in general, but to rub everyone’s nose in it at a family event so soon after my mom’s death was so awful. I haven’t forgiven him TBH, and it has been a few years now. I don’t think my sisters have either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He had had the new girlfriend on deck for awhile. If not more than on deck.

People always underestimate the elderly, lol.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had had the new girlfriend on deck for awhile. If not more than on deck.

People always underestimate the elderly, lol.

OP here.

That thought had actually crossed my mind. I have even thought of the possibility that the new lady may have come to the funeral and mingled with and talked to family after the service.

My aunt's husband did this, but they were younger (in early 50s at the time). She was diagnosed with cancer and died several years after diagnosis. The last 6 months of her life were particularly grueling. Her husband had been having an affair, and the woman showed up at the funeral home for the visitation. Family was incensed, to say the least.
He ended up marrying ger a few months later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He had had the new girlfriend on deck for awhile. If not more than on deck.

People always underestimate the elderly, lol.

OP again.
Whatever the case may be, I think it must be hurtful for my cousin's adult children.
I get that the husband doesn't want to be alone for the remaining years of his life, but 3 weeks after the funeral feels way too soon. And if he'd already had someone new lined up he could at least have made an effort to hide it for a little longer, for the sake of her children.

For another perspective, I got too much information from my grandfather. My grandmother was dying of cancer, and she made a plan and actually picked out who my grandfather should date after she died. That's who he picked. He told me that there were so many women after him in his condo, that he had no choice but to make a selection rapidly and make it clear. So, in his case, it was something that he and his partner actively wanted, and it was a move to fend off other suitors. Unfortunately, eligible old men are scarce, I guess.

So was it more like a practical arrangement and not a case of being 'in love'?

No, not in love, but they socialized a lot, and liked each other.