Deceased cousin's husband had new girlfriend 3 WEEKS after cousin's funeral

[Anonymous]

My cousin died earlier this year.
She had been ill (diagnosed) for around 1.5 years and her health had deteriorated quickly during the last 2 months of her life.
She was 73.

My cousin's husband is 81. It was a second marriage for both of them. They had been together for 15 years.

My cousin's second husband was a widower when they first met, his first wife had also died of an illness (a different illness).

A couple of weeks ago my cousin's son from her first marriage told me that he had found out that the 2nd husband had found a new girlfriend only 3 weeks (!) after his mother's funeral. He was not impressed.

I had always thought that my cousin and her second husband had a good, strong marriage.
He took care of her at home when she became ill and couldn't take care of herself anymore. He also helped my cousin by doing little jobs for her very elderly mother who lived in a nursing home.

I find it hard to imagine that he would have entered a new relationship so soon after her death.
If this is true, is it common for men to move on this quickly?

[Anonymous]

Oh FFS at 81, who cares. I thought you were writing this about your cousin who was 46 or something.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but if you don’t get that 80something companionship is not some disrespectful mid-life-crisis boinkfest, I don’t know what to tell you.

A lonely 81yo who just lost his wife has found someone to hang out with and make life a little easier. That is not a scandal.

And while it is very sad that your cousin died, at the age of 73 after an illness she had been battling for 1.5 years. That is very sad, but it is not a tragedy. An old person died, and an older person is living as best he can. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

yes, it's very common for men to move on quickly b/c they do not want to be alone. They also like having someone to share the chores of house and companionship, etc. Less about love and more about practicality.

[Anonymous]

If the illness was that long, some mourn along the way and when death finally comes, it is a relief and release. It happens as people process loss differently.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen men re-marry only months after losing their wife to illness or a tragic accident. Some people just don’t like to be alone, it’s not a replacement, it’s filling a void they left. Your cousin probably would want him to move on and be happy.

[Anonymous]

My father was off on a tropical vacation with my mother's friend about 6 weeks after mom's death. He declared it his best vacation ever, including all the ones he took with us kids.

[Anonymous]

It’s fine, but this is why you have to be absolutely sure to protect your assets for your kids to inherit. Because otherwise they will go to some random lady’s kids instead of yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes, it's very common for men to move on quickly b/c they do not want to be alone. They also like having someone to share the chores of house and companionship, etc. Less about love and more about practicality.[/quote]

This. A lot of older men who have been partnered are completely uncomfortable being on their own, to the point that they find someone else to take that partner role relatively quickly.

It's not about the man not loving his deceased partner, but IMO it isn't about him loving someone else either. Love has nothing to do with it after a certain age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the illness was that long, some mourn along the way and when death finally comes, it is a relief and release. It happens as people process loss differently.

Yes, it's anticipatory grieving and the surviving spouse is further along in the process than if the death happened suddenly.

[Anonymous]

I agree with others. This is so common, especially for men at that age. They are afraid of not having someone to take care of them for one thing, but also with a prolonged decline, you mourn along the way. If the person were younger it would be different, but there isn't much time left to find companionship.

A little different but I got a lot of rude comments because I seemed too happy at my dad's funeral and I didn't go into a profound state of mourning after. We were close. I saw him often throughout his 7 year decline and I saw how ill and miserable he was at the end and ready to go. I was so relieved when the time came and he was loving until the end, but so over suffering. I felt so fortunate that I could see him so much, let him know how loved he was and now I didn't have to see him suffer. Meanwhile people who rarely visited and family who went through phases of having no relationship with him were judging me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the illness was that long, some mourn along the way and when death finally comes, it is a relief and release. It happens as people process loss differently.

Yes, it's anticipatory grieving and the surviving spouse is further along in the process than if the death happened suddenly.

I am the OP.

I can understand this. My cousin had been diagnosed with a progressive illness around 1.5 years before her death. I suspect she had been feeling unwell and was struggling with gradual physical decline for some time before her diagnosis.

The first wife of my cousin's husband went through a similar ordeal before she died.

[Anonymous]

I agree OP, it’s crappy, but sadly, not uncommon.

[Anonymous]

At that age? Totally not surprised.

If friends mothers die first (I'm in my 50s, usually the parents are 75+) the dad is usually hooked up with another woman to take care of them 3-6 months later. We call it "old guy syndrome."

[Anonymous]

My mom's best's husband/best friend's dad remarried 6 months after her mom committed suicide.

It took me 30 years to realize that he didn't want to be alone and needed someone to help raise his 4 kids. But yeah, a lot of people were very angry with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh FFS at 81, who cares. I thought you were writing this about your cousin who was 46 or something.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but if you don’t get that 80something companionship is not some disrespectful mid-life-crisis boinkfest, I don’t know what to tell you.

A lonely 81yo who just lost his wife has found someone to hang out with and make life a little easier. That is not a scandal.

And while it is very sad that your cousin died, at the age of 73 after an illness she had been battling for 1.5 years. That is very sad, but it is not a tragedy. An old person died, and an older person is living as best he can. Let it go.

Lol he's 81. He knows he only has like a couple years left himself.