Would you intervene if you adult son is an alcoholic and DIL is seeking your help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I doubt everyone here saying "help your kid! You're terrible parents!" Has ever actually had an adult family member with a substance issue. You can express your concern and offer to help, but unless they really want help, there is almost nothing you can do.

I think you missed that she is also enabling her alcoholic husband.

Also, her DIL reached our, AND SHE NEVER RESPONDED. That's . . . something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, DH (the FIL) is an alcoholic too, yes we have grandkids. - OP



You're a nightmare. You know what it's like to be married to an alcoholic, you raised your son with an alcoholic father, and you do nothing.

OP, you could be my MIL. My DH's father was an alcoholic (an abusive one). She elected to stay married and raise her kids in that environment. Now her son, my DH, is also slowly becoming an alcoholic. Unlike you, my MIL doesn't ignore my concerns, but she does continue to enable alcohol abuse in the family by giving DH fancy bourbons, constantly offering booze anytime we see her. She is doing the same thing with our eldest child, a recent college grad who is also showing signs of substance abuse. She is too scared of angering them to say anything. Until all this started two to three years ago, I had a good relationship with my MIL. But now I am realizing that she is trapped in patterns of co-dependent behavior. I have gotten to the point that I just want to leave all of them (MIL, DH and eldest child) to wallow in their dysfunctions.

If you have a college grad, she isn't the only one who is trapped in a pattern of co-dependent behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I doubt everyone here saying "help your kid! You're terrible parents!" Has ever actually had an adult family member with a substance issue. You can express your concern and offer to help, but unless they really want help, there is almost nothing you can do.

I think you missed that she is also enabling her alcoholic husband.

Also, her DIL reached our, AND SHE NEVER RESPONDED. That's . . . something.

Definitely hurtful. But to admit that what she did and continues to do is somehow the wrong thing becomes impossible sometimes for people who have lost all sense of self in marriage to an addict. Her inability to react appropriately were more about ego defenses than an intent to be cruel. They could not engage on the topic so came up with what sounded like a socially acceptable fig leaf.

PP with the college grad who is a heavy drinker along with DH, maybe try Al Anon for you?

[Anonymous]

No one intervened with my mother, and she was dead at 57. If you want that, do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Yes smh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's super rude that you didn't even reply to her email. You can at least write her back something noncommittal, and help more with the kids.

It sounds like you are in denial and determined to enable your son as long as he says the bare minimum of what you want to hear, even if it isn't true.

Why are people communicating about this by email instead of in person or own the phone?

[Anonymous]

If you are choosing not to help her, which might be the right choice given your situation, then be courteous enough to respond. "Larla, given my own situation and history I do not think I can be a source of support for you in this. I wish you and Joe all the best."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's super rude that you didn't even reply to her email. You can at least write her back something noncommittal, and help more with the kids.

It sounds like you are in denial and determined to enable your son as long as he says the bare minimum of what you want to hear, even if it isn't true.

Why are people communicating about this by email instead of in person or own the phone?

OP never said it was an email…some pp just said email. OP called it a “message” could be a text, voicemail, etc. Maybe DIL doesn’t live nearby so in person doesn’t work. Maybe DIL has tried talking in person or over the phone and OP shuts it down.

[Anonymous]

Not responding to your DIL was horrible.

I realize you can't force your son to do anything he doesn't want to do, but you also don't have to abandon your DIL and grandchildren. You didn't even bother ask to see what she needed from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's super rude that you didn't even reply to her email. You can at least write her back something noncommittal, and help more with the kids.

It sounds like you are in denial and determined to enable your son as long as he says the bare minimum of what you want to hear, even if it isn't true.

Why are people communicating about this by email instead of in person or own the phone?

OP never said it was an email…some pp just said email. OP called it a “message” could be a text, voicemail, etc. Maybe DIL doesn’t live nearby so in person doesn’t work. Maybe DIL has tried talking in person or over the phone and OP shuts it down.

Blah, blah, blah . . . nothing is going to happen without an actual discussion in person or by phone.

[Anonymous]

OP, please go help your son. You literally may be saving his life. If you don't respond now, you will eventually be getting a call that your son is being admitted to the hospital with end stage liver failure. You DIL is calling you because your son is lying to her, gaslighting her, probably driving drunk with your grandkids in the car, and she can't make a grown man do anything he doesn't want to do. As his mother, you have some actual influence over him.

-- widow whose husband died at 46 YO of liver failure due to alcoholism who wished I had called my MIL sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, well, we did call our son and he said he is quitting. So we didn't say anything about it. As for DIL, she is upset that we never replied her message. It's been 3 weeks since she reached out.

You are horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, well, we did call our son and he said he is quitting. So we didn't say anything about it. As for DIL, she is upset that we never replied her message. It's been 3 weeks since she reached out.

Widow here. Your son is lying to you. Go visit in person and see what is really happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I doubt everyone here saying "help your kid! You're terrible parents!" Has ever actually had an adult family member with a substance issue. You can express your concern and offer to help, but unless they really want help, there is almost nothing you can do.

I think you missed that she is also enabling her alcoholic husband.

Also, her DIL reached our, AND SHE NEVER RESPONDED. That's . . . something.

OP here. DIL’s message was extremely rude as if it’s all our fault.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Part of the reason we haven’t responded to DIL is because her message was rude and tone she used was very disrespectful. We feel hurt because we’ve always been nice to her, but in return, she’s putting her marital problems on us.