Would you intervene if you adult son is an alcoholic and DIL is seeking your help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, well, we did call our son and he said he is quitting. So we didn't say anything about it. As for DIL, she is upset that we never replied her message. It's been 3 weeks since she reached out.

Yeah, she reached out over a life or death matter, a serious health matter, and you didn't reply. You suck. Even if you said something like, "Jim and I are discussing how to handle this, but we want you to know we hear you and we're taking this seriously" that would have been SOMETHING.

Did you attend their wedding? If so, did you miss the part where the pastor said stuff about "friends and family gathered to support you" blah blah blah? Um, yeah. You were called to support them. So you've let him down on a life-or-death health front, and you've let her down as someone in the marriage that you were supposed to support.

Overall, you sound like a horrible mom and a horrible MIL.

[Anonymous]

it wont go away if you ignore it. the hardest thing to do is to confront someone on this. it makes it very very real. and then its out there. i confronted a sibling and my parents did not help me. i think they could not handle the reality. it is really hard to be the one handling it. please support DIL. and him. he has a problem. shine some light on it. if he ends up dead was saving his feelings worth it? thats what i had to ask myself. i finally decided I didnt care if i was wrong or if he got mad at me or if it was all very embarassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, well, we did call our son and he said he is quitting. So we didn't say anything about it. As for DIL, she is upset that we never replied her message. It's been 3 weeks since she reached out.

I'd be upset if I were your DIL too. I'm sure she didn't want to reach out to you but felt like she had to - and nothing? Seriously, you didn't even acknowledge her email? And sure he is quitting. I am dumbstruck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, well, we did call our son and he said he is quitting. So we didn't say anything about it. As for DIL, she is upset that we never replied her message. It's been 3 weeks since she reached out.

Just respond that you spoke with him. Are you concerned she wants to request a specific action from you?

[Anonymous]

Much addiction is rooted in childhood trauma so it isn’t all that surprising to hear that mom and dad can’t be bothered to intervene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, well, we did call our son and he said he is quitting. So we didn't say anything about it. As for DIL, she is upset that we never replied her message. It's been 3 weeks since she reached out.

“He said he is quitting.”

If he’s really got a drinking problem, that means he’s quitting between drinks, not giving up alcohol.

What specifically does she want? For you to join in an intervention? There is only so much you can do, and getting drawn into the vortex of whatever she has going on won’t be helpful. Unless she has a coherent goal you can contribute to she’d be better off trying Al-anon (may require some shopping around for a good meeting fit) or getting a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, well, we did call our son and he said he is quitting. So we didn't say anything about it. As for DIL, she is upset that we never replied her message. It's been 3 weeks since she reached out.

Yeah, she reached out over a life or death matter, a serious health matter, and you didn't reply. You suck. Even if you said something like, "Jim and I are discussing how to handle this, but we want you to know we hear you and we're taking this seriously" that would have been SOMETHING.

Did you attend their wedding? If so, did you miss the part where the pastor said stuff about "friends and family gathered to support you" blah blah blah? Um, yeah. You were called to support them. So you've let him down on a life-or-death health front, and you've let her down as someone in the marriage that you were supposed to support.

Overall, you sound like a horrible mom and a horrible MIL.

X100000000

Awful.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you or your DH have a history of alcoholism, yourselves or in your families? If so, how was it addressed/handled?

Does your DS have children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it wont go away if you ignore it. the hardest thing to do is to confront someone on this. it makes it very very real. and then its out there. i confronted a sibling and my parents did not help me. i think they could not handle the reality. it is really hard to be the one handling it. please support DIL. and him. he has a problem. shine some light on it. if he ends up dead was saving his feelings worth it? thats what i had to ask myself. i finally decided I didnt care if i was wrong or if he got mad at me or if it was all very embarassing.

NP. Curious what happened with your sibling. I'm in a similar situation with lack of support from parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you or your DH have a history of alcoholism, yourselves or in your families? If so, how was it addressed/handled?

Does your DS have children?

Yes, DH (the FIL) is an alcoholic too, yes we have grandkids. - OP

[Anonymous]

OP, I would call your DIL and apologize for the delay in responding. I'd be frank and say that you weren't sure what to say. Say you have spoken with your son. Ask what kind of support she things would be helpful for them and LISTEN. Do they have kids?

[Anonymous]

"NP. Curious what happened with your sibling. I'm in a similar situation with lack of support from parents."

I was able to get one of his oldest friends to go with me and we pretty much did the equivalent of an intervention. it was the hardest thing ive ever done. it was an eye opener for him that we put the pieces together and knew what was going on and didnt want him to lose the good stuff he still had. he kicked his issue on his own. but i did research ahead of time on rehab and other kinds of support so that i was armed with options.

[Anonymous]

Are you even parents? I can't believe you wouldn't help your child to get help. The mother of your grandchildren reached out for help and you couldn't even bother to respond.

This is your son! He is always your responsibility. Your DIL isn't asking for help with her own addiction.

[Anonymous]

I reached out to my in-laws when my then-spouse was seriously struggling with substance abuse. They wanted to stay out of it. He needed help and love. I needed help and support. I was young with 2 tiny children, working, holding it all together and I didn't know what to do. It was the hardest time of my life.
Fast forward 20 years, my ex is dead and I still resent my in-laws for not helping when I reached out.

[Anonymous]

Does your own DH still actively drink? Has he ever been in recovery? Have you ever attended Al Anon?

Does DS have any diagnosed conditions such as bipolar, depression, ADHD, learning disabilities?

I think your own reaction to DH's alcoholism has colored your reaction to your DIL reaching out. With kids in the picture, he may be restricted from driving them, for their safety.

Sad, but there is still time for him to break the cycle and give his own kids a better rest of their childhood. He needs treatment, perhaps inpatient detox. Suddenly stopping alcohol can be deadly. He should speak with his doctor.