Would you intervene if you adult son is an alcoholic and DIL is seeking your help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you intervene if you adult son is an alcoholic and his drinking is causing health and marital problems and your DIL is seeking your help by saying she is going to divorce him and he needs help? Should you intervene or stay out of their way. We feel that this is something they have to work out, we can't take sides so we haven't replied to DIL's request for help yet. We feel like we should probably reply but don't know what to say.

Yes. Collect info and facts, obtain specialists and doctors. Help with grandkids.

We’d do an intervention or pay for a long term at a clinic.

This is serious a Health issue that will damage many lives if left untouched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, well, we did call our son and he said he is quitting. So we didn't say anything about it. As for DIL, she is upset that we never replied her message. It's been 3 weeks since she reached out.

lol. Always believe an addict Op. way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, well, we did call our son and he said he is quitting. So we didn't say anything about it. As for DIL, she is upset that we never replied her message. It's been 3 weeks since she reached out.

You didn’t reply to that message!?!?

Good luck with the divorce and grandma custody time or supervised visits with alcoholic dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it wont go away if you ignore it. the hardest thing to do is to confront someone on this. it makes it very very real. and then its out there. i confronted a sibling and my parents did not help me. i think they could not handle the reality. it is really hard to be the one handling it. please support DIL. and him. he has a problem. shine some light on it. if he ends up dead was saving his feelings worth it? thats what i had to ask myself. i finally decided I didnt care if i was wrong or if he got mad at me or if it was all very embarassing.

In our family it wasn’t denial per se, it was the matriarch who believed that one son could do no wrong.
No matter how many friends or family or his own kids told her horrible true stories she would not act nor believe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, I doubt everyone here saying "help your kid! You're terrible parents!" Has ever actually had an adult family member with a substance issue. You can express your concern and offer to help, but unless they really want help, there is almost nothing you can do.

True after trying a few things.
Last step is to encourage the divorce and the healthy functional parent having all legal and custody time

[Anonymous]

This must be a troll

[Anonymous]

OP did not provide her own children a childhood w/o an alcoholic parent. The idea that she would suddenly "do better" for the grandchildren baffles me. OP is an enabler of 2 active alcoholics. Changing the approach to 1 probably seems far too threatening without significant intervention and support for OP. OP and her alkie DH are the LEAST likely change agents here. How can people not see that?

[Anonymous]

OP is probably the most diagnosable person in this situation.

[Anonymous]

I did not read all of the responses, but I was the DIL in this situation several years ago (and about to be again, as he has relapsed majorly and the impact on my kids, their grandchildren, is heartbreaking). She needs all the help and support she can get, to help him get the help and support he needs. Intervene as much as she needs and help her get him that help. She probably doesn’t want a divorce, just doesn’t want to live that way anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you intervene if you adult son is an alcoholic and his drinking is causing health and marital problems and your DIL is seeking your help by saying she is going to divorce him and he needs help? Should you intervene or stay out of their way. We feel that this is something they have to work out, we can't take sides so we haven't replied to DIL's request for help yet. We feel like we should probably reply but don't know what to say.

My spouse is an alcoholic. I have appealed to his parents and siblings for help. Their reply was we should go to couples counseling which my spouse has refused. If the time comes for divorce or he manages to drink himself in to the grave, his family will never be in my life or my children’s lives. Never.

[Anonymous]

I was in this situation recently as the DIL. I did reach out to my MIL and she did take the time to call me, which I appreciate. And she did not betray our conversation to my DH. She was honest and advised he has to want to do this himself or it won't work, and she is right. My MIL has other family members who were alcoholics so it is not her first rodeo. She did tell me Al Anon is very helpful.

I reached out to her at a very low point and I am glad we had that conversation.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My DH almost died due to his alcoholism. I’m glad his parents supported his sobriety. He’s still here and sober, and proud. You can’t do it alone.

[Anonymous]

Of course you help.

My friend whose husband was an addict and suffered a mental breakdown while she was pregnant with her second child. The husband went on a manic spending spree and spent all their money and went into debt buying an expensive car.

My friend asked her in laws for help and they turned their back on her and him. They cut him off and they had to sell their house they could no longer afford. At some point after the baby was born, the parents finally helped get him to rehab and blamed my friend for not being a better wife. They basically blamed the DIL for stressing out their son and causing him to have a breakdown.

[Anonymous]

DIL’s feelings are less relevant in my opinion.

I cannot believe OP is not stepping in to help her son. It is the same as if a friend or girlfriend was telling you that your child is an addict.

Assuming that the son has always had problems and OP feels it is now DIL’s problem.

My BIL has a lot of problems and I’m so glad he never married and never had kids. He is only our family’s problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, My brother died at age 50 from alcoholism.

OP here. Our son is very successful in everything he does, I don’t think he’s that bad of an alcoholic to be honest, I think DIL is blaming everything on his drinking but in reality there must be other marriage issues. Of course I want our son to be healthy.

OP. I was the equivalent of your daughter. What you’re saying is what his parents said when I reached out to them for years. Your son and my ex appear high-functioning to the outside world. He can fool you, his employer (for a time), and the world, but only for a time. Meanwhile he is messing up the family. Are you aware how alcohol affects the drinker, the wife, and the kids? Sure, there are probably other minor issues in the marriage, but most boil down to the drinking (finances, lack of intimacy, household duties, helping with kids). Sadly, he is likely an ‘absent’ but a physically present dad and husband who likely contributes little to his family but emotional unpredictability and poor role modelling when it comes to alcohol. His wife isn’t the problem. She wishes this weren’t the case, and she wouldn’t come to you unless she was concerned about your son and grandkids. She has likely done all that is within her power to help your son and to keep the family functioning.

Stop making excuses. Stop blaming her. Believe her. Approach your son, let him know that you love him and don’t listen to his excuses. Support him if he is ready for professional help. But don’t throw the blame on his wife/mother of your grandkids. Admit that you’re a part of what created this issue, and do something so the damage doesn’t continue into the next generation.

Please, wake up. Do what you can. And get your butt to Al Anon. If he continues to go down this route, his wife will (hopefully, for the kids’ well-being) leave, he will eventually mess up at his job, and then he will become your problem again. Hopefully he will hit rock bottom, get help, and maintain a life of sobriety for himself and his kids. Good luck.