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Any Co-Sleepers Out There?
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Anonymous
| i'm the mckenna fan poster and you arent making me upset at all,, in fact, i totally agree with you there is a plethora of info on many different types of sleep strategies, we both have clearly chosen what works for our family and hence would consider the other point of view/data, etc, flawed...it's that simple. no need to get nasty or try to turn this into a debate, i'm more interested in the intellectualization of how we all come to the choices we make, the philosophies we cite that justify our choices. for example, just as you might not think that cross cultural and anthropological pediatric studies are useful in helping you choose where or how your child will sleep, i'm unclear as to the basis of the philosophy that says infants "should" sleep on their own. is it mostly b/c people are fearful their marriage will suffer, or the child must be independent, honestly, i dont quite get the rational...but i know that most of my friends passionately praise their independent sleepers so they must be having some strong thoughts!!! |
Anonymous
What are you saying here? It sounds as if you are saying that children in China are dying because of the limitations the government put on families? |
Anonymous
I wasn't the original poster, but yet babies are dying in China because of the limitations, espectially baby girls. If you don't know that, do some research. |
Anonymous
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For those that don't know, China's government has a strict one-child family policy that was introduced in 1980.
Here's some info from http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=39475 : "...China increasingly is developing a population dominated by males. This, too, is a direct offshoot of the one-child policy, which has resulted in the "disappearance" of millions of girls – most of whom are assumed to have been killed at birth or shortly afterward, while others were the victims of sex-selection abortion procedures. Many other young girls are put up for foreign adoption." There's many more articles out there if you want more information. Just Google it. *************** The poster was making the point that what is culturally the norm in other countries (say, China), isn't necessarily a compelling enough argument for doing it here. And also that China wouldn't necessarily say what their SIDS statistics are (or maybe even know)...so you really can't say if there is less of an incidence of SIDS as a result of co-sleeping (as some people are claiming on here). Maybe the real problem was that the poster was saying that whether or not you choose co-sleeping or a crib, both parents should be in agreement. Maybe some co-sleepers are doing this regardless of whether their partners are okay with it? Is that the issue? |
Anonymous
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We don't co sleep. DD has slept in crib since day 2 at home. I tried bringing her into our bed to nurse while I slept and honestly, I slept like crap b/c I was worried that I would roll over baby, she would suffocate by the blankets and pillows, etc. I would just rather get up and nurse. I am not sure how families do it. Luckily for us, DD has slept through the night since she was about 11 weeks old.
I didn't realize that it was so common. Both of my parents are from Europe and the never talked about co sleeping. I didn't even realize people did it as I hardly knew anyone who co slept. I first heard about it when I moved to DC (I've lived in NYC before then) and here, everyone does it. |
Anonymous
I don't think everyone does it here either. There's probably a similar number of co-sleepers all over the country (a minority, probably), but not as outspoken as those in the DC area. People are pretty loud about breastfeeding in the DC area too. I just think more people are outspoken in DC about doing some of these things... trying to be all "green" and "crunchy Moms"...some people think it's "cool" in these parts. I'm still waiting to hear if those co-sleeping have agreement from their spouses. Like the one PP said, the two people she knows do not have both partners in agreement. Even if co-sleeping is what you or your husband think is best, it may be to the detriment of the marriage. Similarly, I knew a Mom whose husband was completely against crying it out...and she wanted to do it because she was the one home with the baby all day. But he un-did all her work every night...at 9 months old, if the baby cried, he rushed in immediately (even though he'd fall asleep in 5 minutes). It's tough when you can't get agreement on parenting decisions. |
Anonymous
| hubby is just as into co-sleeping as i am, and we have a fantastic "active" marriage...also, we moved here from norther cal where it is so much more common to co-sleep, extended nurse, and practice attachment parenting. i actually find the DC area incredibly conservative, and although i'm thrilled on this little website there are some vocal AP type parents, it certainly isnt the norm in my day to day encounters to find like minded parents in DC...women here are very busy and schedule oriented, lots of nannies, not lots of slings, just my observation that even compared to like boston, dc area moms are not that crunchy..which personally bums me out-i dont need it completely homogenous, but it feels like AP is the distinct minority around here! |
Anonymous
I'll start with...I am not a co-sleeper. I guess co-sleeping ranges just like breastfeeding. I breastfed my son for a full year and then weaned him to whole milk...as is the practice in the U.S. based on American Academy of Pediatrics. But knew several other Moms (La Leche League) who felt strongly that children should wean themselves and continued to nurse past 2 years old (some until 4 years old+). Their rationale was also "the rest of the world does it and it's totally normal." So in their eyes, my one year wasn't enough. You sound like you only intend for an infant to co-sleep. At what age is the break off? For some co-sleepers, it's when their child decides to leave the bed (even if it's until they are 10+). For other co-sleepers, it's until their baby is 6 months to a year old. Then those co-sleepers have to figure out how to tranisiton their baby to a crib or bed....so they still end up in the same predicament as anyone trying to get their baby into a crib earlier. If you're not a co-sleeper, your goal is to get your child to sleep comfortably in a crib....period. So yes, most of us are proud that we have gotten our children to be happy and comfortable in their crib. My son lies down happily and wakes up happily (as do I). But when I nursed, I did it on demand. We had a monitor and I'd get up and nurse him in a rocking chair and laid him back down in his crib. The first 6 or 8 weeks were spent partially in my bed too...mainly because I was nursing so frequently. So I guess your impression of someone who chooses not to co-sleep isn't as cut and dry (or cold-hearted) as it seems you have in your head. Some of the co-sleepers make it sound like if your baby isn't right next to you to access your breast every second, that they are starving and cold and miserable in their crib! It just isn't the case. If you're a co-sleeper, at some point you want your child to sleep independently from you, right? How do you define that cutoff of when you are proud your child sleeps comfortably out of your bed? So what's YOUR rationale? As for marriages suffering, that's between you and your spouse. If you both like co-sleeping, then it probably isn't an issue. Having intimacy must be a bit of a struggle. Frankly, after hearing co-sleepers brag that they are doing it all over the house to get privacy makes me NOT want to visit their home and sit on the couch! Ew. My husband and I enjoy that we can lay our child down at a regular bedtime and spend time together alone in our family room down the hall...watch tv...talk...whatever...then retire to our bed at midnight and have relations if we want to. It's a healthy part of our relationship. I know my husband would be annoyed if we had co-slept and I did as one PP co-sleepr said and sat in bed watching tv on mute with close-captioning. But different strokes, I guess. I too only know of one co-sleeper (who admitted to it anyway). She did it 20 years ago with her first child. She said it was such a mistake that she didn't do it with the other two. She said her first is the only one with sleep issues now. The only reason she said she co-slept was because she wanted to snuggle her baby and felt guilty leaving her alone in the crib. But it became an issue because she was too scared to sleep train her and so her little girl needed help going to sleep for years. Now in college, that young woman still has trouble getting to sleep. Her other two girls were sleep-trained and sleep well as older teens. So it depends on your point of view. I'm proud my son sleeps well on his own...mainly because it bodes well for his ability to sleep well when he's an adult. That isn't to say that co-sleepers can't learn to sleep on their own... but that is why some of us are proud of our independent sleepers. Is that rationale good enough for you? |
Anonymous
Much of DC and especially Montgomery County MD are very liberal and more "crunchy." There are numerous AP groups in the area. If you are looking for like-minded AP folks, start with La Leche League of MD, Delaware & DC: http://www.lllofmd-de-dc.org/index.shtml and Attachment Parenting International: http://www.attachmentparenting.org/group/webva.shtml There are regular AP meetings is Northern VA too. Click on the API website for all the contacts and meeting times. |
Anonymous
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easy on the tone PP, please lets keep this a civil exhcange...thank you for sharing your perspective...sounds like youve got what works for you and the anecdotes of co-sleeping families that had trouble have greatly influenced you, i'm sorry no one in your circle of friends has had a healthy co-sleeping experience. most in my peer circle have, and most young toddlers transition to a toddler bed b/t ages 3-5 yo with some encouragement but certainly no tears or power struggles over it...
my son is almost 3yo and he will sleep in his own bed when he is ready...we were intermittent co=-sleepers, plenty of times he'd sleep in his crib, all naptimes when he was a baby so he wouldnt roll out, also we had a side sleeper so when he was an infant at nght, he wasnt actually in our bed, but attached to my side of the bed...as you referenced, for many of us who co=sleep, attachment parenting is very important which simply means follow your child's lead as they reach developmental milestones, dont rush them to reach certain stages before they are ready, this includes nursing and weaning, sleeping through the night and toilet training, experiencing separations from caregivers in a very gentle way...etc.. just want to add that for me, if hubby was against co-sleeping and was into CIO and other practices i disagreed with, i think it would be a huge problem...i am so deeply in love with my husband as he shows me his gentle fathering, and his bond with our son is remarkable-i cant imagine a husband pressuring me to force the infant to sleep in another room so we can get it on with no disruption-sooo glad we were on the same page that our children are only young with dependency needs one time, when they reach autonomy and independence naturally, they will not need the intense parenting they receive from us now...but hubby and i are very like minded and losing a year or more of sleep by not sleep training our child certainly was nothing for us compared to other life challenges we've had!! anyhow, thanks for sharing again...i did read all the sleep training books while my friends were trying to pressure me into CIO when DS was a baby, and they always focused on the "how to" and not the "why"...i'm just grateful i trusted my gut and found a community of parents who are like minded...and that thankfully i can find posts like this one trying to connect with other co-sleepers!! |
Anonymous
The "why" in "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Weissbluth is to have your child learn healthy sleep habits so they will sleep well as adults. You can choose co-sleeping or the crib in the beginning, but the overall goal is to make sure your child gets enough sleep and eventually learns to sleep well independently. |
Anonymous
| but the deal is, all of us want to ensure our babies and toddlers are getting enough sleep, and the only difference in the sleep training vs the AP, co-sleeping is where they sleep and how they fall to sleep, no one disagrees that infants and toddlers need a ton of sleep...it's whether or not you believe an infant should sleep alone and fall asleep alone, or near a caregiver who is either nursing, rocking, etc the baby to sleep. it really is amazing what babies will do if you follow their lead, my son was nursed to sleep every single night and self weaned from night nursing at 18mos, then self weaned from day nursing at 2yo, he's been STTN since 18 mos on his own, naps beautifully, is well rested, etc, some of the sleep training books illicit "fear " in a parent that if you dont train them, they'll never sleep, couldnt be further from the truth in my experience, but you do have to wait and be patient as each child reaches sleep maturity at a different time if not trained. i think the crux of the disagreement quite simply is that some parents want their babies to be independent and some believe that dependency on a caregiver is normal and healthy for a baby...sure you cant tell which camp i'm in! |
clarabow
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It makes me sad that there is so much "either/or" out there...I think it's very divisive and can also keep moms and dads from finding other like-minded parents. I'm a "very busy" WOHM and I have a nanny, and I am also following a lot of AP principles. I work from home a couple times a week so that I can maintain nursing instead of pumping on those days. We'll wean when he's ready. He has three very attached caregivers -- me, my husband, and his nanny. He is held and worn often. We do some co-sleeping and are experimenting with what works best for all of us on getting the most sleep while respecting that DS is nowhere near developmentally ready (in our opinion, I know others would disagree) for sleeptraining. DH and I make decisions together, and sometimes we are not on the same page at the outset so it takes some work to talk through it but that's worth it and also a wonderful learning experience about each of our own hidden assumptions and backgrounds. Why do some AP parents write me off because of my WOHM/nanny status? |
Anonymous
| If you google SIDS you will find from reputable sites (WHO to name one) that SIDS in a relatively new issue and that death rates from SIDS are much lower world wide. Namely in those third world countries, which may be due to a lack of information in reporting the deaths. I am for whatever gets your baby to sleep. I do co-sleep but I respect crib sleepers too. |
Anonymous
Wasn't this originally a post to contact co-sleepers? why all the posts from those who are opposed to it? Oh wait! I forgot I was on DCUM 
Look, all many have said before, it is up to the parents to decide what is best for their baby/child. If it's working for their family it's ok. We co-sleep from DS first night waking on. We never planned on this but it's the only thing that helps us get the sleep we all need. Eventually he will move into his own room with a little help from us, I'm sure, but it will be in a gentle way without a lot of struggle ( i hope!) I think so many of the "sleep experts" like Weisbuth(sp?) are so full of crap! When I read in his book that he thinks it's ok if the baby vomits when CIO. something like "vomiting once is no cause for concern" I felt like throwing up myself. What an idiot! |