Mom expects FaceTime every day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I FaceTime my parents everyday. I work and have 3 kids. I do outsource cleaning and baby sitting when I am working. I love speaking to my parents (I miss them and they are amazing). I know it’s important to them and they love to hear about my life and grandkids.
They don’t get to see the grandkids every day unless I FaceTime on my way to school drop off.
You can make time for a 5 min FaceTime

This might be the disconnect from your perspective and OP’s. A lot of these emotional vampire/FaceTime tantrum grandmothers don’t actually care about their daughters’ lives or their grandchildren. They are focused on how they make them feel and the attention that they feel they deserve for being a grandparent. I’m saying it harshly only because I have on of those moms and she has verbally berated me, said nasty things behind my back to my child, etc. when I wouldn’t let “just 5 minutes” become “90 minutes at the time and in the manner of my choosing.”

Yep. For mothers day every year my mom sends me something for my kids. Same for my birthday. Calls to kids are about achievements. Kids can’t see it yet but I can and it’s exhausting. We call occasionally but I’m not holding myself to her schedule and then getting berated if I miss a call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need help managing my mom’s expectations. She thinks because I’m a SAHM I have time to FaceTime with my baby every single day. I tell her caring for my baby is a full-time job, as well as caring for the household (we don’t outsource anything). I told her when I’m not caring for baby I’m cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, taking care of our two dogs, or taking care of my own needs.

She says “it’s just 5 minutes a day”. I told her I will do my best, but sometimes I do forget and she gets upset. She will text me “awake?” Meaning is baby awake or “no call today?”. She makes it seem like FaceTiming her every day is such an easy task and she even made fun of me when I said somedays I just don’t have the time or it simply slips my mind. She also gets a whole day with my baby once per week. What can I say that is kind but firm?

Choose kind or firm, but be direct and clear. “We will FaceTime once a month for 15 minutes, on the first Tuesday of the month from 3 pm until 3:15 pm”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reality is that you DO have the time, and you just don't want to. Be honest with yourself, and us. Because you could facetime her while folding laundry or cooking, etc. You just dont want to talk with her every day and that's okay.

So tell her "Mom, I can do every Wednesday and Sunday. But daily just isn't going to happen, sorry."

+1

[Anonymous]

Can you remind your mom what it’s like to be the mom of a newborn, and how exhausting and mentally taxing I could be?

[Anonymous]

Wow OP is your mom a DCUM poster?

Also, grow a spine.

[Anonymous]

Ignore her calls and texts completely.

When you need her, you or partner call her.

This is your obligation as a parent.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, can you set up a ring camera to her phone facing to baby's high chair for feeding time (for example) or a play pen? She can have FaceT with baby, you can have 5-10 minutes break each day! You have to make it super special for her, she has to be sold on the idea, lol

Sounds like a win-win!

[Anonymous]

It’s not the volume as much as the guilt if you don’t abide by her schedule. THAT’S what you need to address with her. Tell her you’re doing your best but if you miss days here and there she really needs to understand and stop whining (said more gently) about it

[Anonymous]

OP, you say, " ... she thinks ... she thinks ..."
Stop. No reason SHE controls this. Become an empowered woman. You are now a Mom. You are in charge of your life and you do not have to be afraid of making Mommy mad. Establish a routine that seems reasonable - to you. No one gets to subject you to emotional manipulation (whether they know they are doing it, or not) without your consent. Be strong for you DC. You will be tested and you will need to have healthy boundaries, to model healthy relationships. Consider: you're doing this for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I FaceTime my parents everyday. I work and have 3 kids. I do outsource cleaning and baby sitting when I am working. I love speaking to my parents (I miss them and they are amazing). I know it’s important to them and they love to hear about my life and grandkids.
They don’t get to see the grandkids every day unless I FaceTime on my way to school drop off.
You can make time for a 5 min FaceTime

This might be the disconnect from your perspective and OP’s. A lot of these emotional vampire/FaceTime tantrum grandmothers don’t actually care about their daughters’ lives or their grandchildren. They are focused on how they make them feel and the attention that they feel they deserve for being a grandparent. I’m saying it harshly only because I have on of those moms and she has verbally berated me, said nasty things behind my back to my child, etc. when I wouldn’t let “just 5 minutes” become “90 minutes at the time and in the manner of my choosing.”

Yes, I have an emotional vampire mom. The requests sound like no big deal, but the actual expectations are over the top and every.single.time I met her expectation, the bar got raised. Eventually, when we had major stress in the family we created (think illness) and I had to set boundaries to survive she became a tantrumming lunatic. That's when I realized nothing was about love. She would rather push us over the edge to get her needs met, then see us healthy and thriving with boundaries. It became much easier to set boundaries without guilt or regret when I finally understood just how self-centered she was.

I have no idea if OPs mom is anywhere as crazy as mine. I do sense something is going on though because people with healthy families are not so afraid to gently set a boundary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you remind your mom what it’s like to be the mom of a newborn, and how exhausting and mentally taxing I could be?

Most decent grandmas remember. If OP's mom doesn't "remember" she likely struggles with empathy in other areas.