Mom expects FaceTime every day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I FaceTime my parents everyday. I work and have 3 kids. I do outsource cleaning and baby sitting when I am working. I love speaking to my parents (I miss them and they are amazing). I know it’s important to them and they love to hear about my life and grandkids.
They don’t get to see the grandkids every day unless I FaceTime on my way to school drop off.
You can make time for a 5 min FaceTime

This might be the disconnect from your perspective and OP’s. A lot of these emotional vampire/FaceTime tantrum grandmothers don’t actually care about their daughters’ lives or their grandchildren. They are focused on how they make them feel and the attention that they feel they deserve for being a grandparent. I’m saying it harshly only because I have on of those moms and she has verbally berated me, said nasty things behind my back to my child, etc. when I wouldn’t let “just 5 minutes” become “90 minutes at the time and in the manner of my choosing.”

[Anonymous]

It sounds like like your mom is being unreasonable - it's not like you can just call her for five minutes at any time, there are a lot of limitations. She needs to manage her expectations.

[Anonymous]

There is no way you don’t have time to FaceTime daily and she knows that. ( I wouldn’t want to FaceTime daily either. )

So you need to approach this differently. Instead of telling her all the things you are busy doing and giving her excuses as to why you can’t do it, just ignore until you actually want to FaceTime. If she attempts to guilt trip you, just don’t react and change the subject.

And if you are giving her full days with your baby to placate her and not for your benefit, you don’t need to do that weekly either.

[Anonymous]

Did she chat with her mother daily? Is this something she likes to brag to her friends about? I would just tell her I don’t talk with anyone outside my household ever single day and that her expectation is unreasonably demanding. Explain it will happen maybe a few times a week (or whatever works for you.) Ask that the scolding and guilt tripping stop. You see each other in person every week that is above and beyond already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need help managing my mom’s expectations. She thinks because I’m a SAHM I have time to FaceTime with my baby every single day. I tell her caring for my baby is a full-time job, as well as caring for the household (we don’t outsource anything). I told her when I’m not caring for baby I’m cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, taking care of our two dogs, or taking care of my own needs.

She says “it’s just 5 minutes a day”. I told her I will do my best, but sometimes I do forget and she gets upset. She will text me “awake?” Meaning is baby awake or “no call today?”. She makes it seem like FaceTiming her every day is such an easy task and she even made fun of me when I said somedays I just don’t have the time or it simply slips my mind. She also gets a whole day with my baby once per week. What can I say that is kind but firm?

I mean, I hate FaceTiming in general, but your Mom is right -- you have the time or certainly can make the time. If you just don't want to do it, own that (I'd have your back) but this martyr act thing is a bit much. It's not hard to care for a baby and a household. It's not like you're balls to the wall working. It's one of the easiest gigs out there. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need help managing my mom’s expectations. She thinks because I’m a SAHM I have time to FaceTime with my baby every single day. I tell her caring for my baby is a full-time job, as well as caring for the household (we don’t outsource anything). I told her when I’m not caring for baby I’m cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, taking care of our two dogs, or taking care of my own needs.

She says “it’s just 5 minutes a day”. I told her I will do my best, but sometimes I do forget and she gets upset. She will text me “awake?” Meaning is baby awake or “no call today?”. She makes it seem like FaceTiming her every day is such an easy task and she even made fun of me when I said somedays I just don’t have the time or it simply slips my mind. She also gets a whole day with my baby once per week. What can I say that is kind but firm?

I mean, I hate FaceTiming in general, but your Mom is right -- you have the time or certainly can make the time. If you just don't want to do it, own that (I'd have your back) but this martyr act thing is a bit much. It's not hard to care for a baby and a household. It's not like you're balls to the wall working. It's one of the easiest gigs out there. BTDT.

If you bothered to read the thread, you’d see that OP’s mom works a night shift, so she’s sleeping a large portion of the day when it might be really easy for OP to connect with her. Their schedules aren’t synced. Also, the mother spends an entire day with the baby. She can go a day without a FaceTime. Whining and guilt-tripping are immature.

What OP needs to do is to stop engaging and explaining. Ignore the texts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need help managing my mom’s expectations. She thinks because I’m a SAHM I have time to FaceTime with my baby every single day. I tell her caring for my baby is a full-time job, as well as caring for the household (we don’t outsource anything). I told her when I’m not caring for baby I’m cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, taking care of our two dogs, or taking care of my own needs.

She says “it’s just 5 minutes a day”. I told her I will do my best, but sometimes I do forget and she gets upset. She will text me “awake?” Meaning is baby awake or “no call today?”. She makes it seem like FaceTiming her every day is such an easy task and she even made fun of me when I said somedays I just don’t have the time or it simply slips my mind. She also gets a whole day with my baby once per week. What can I say that is kind but firm?

I mean, I hate FaceTiming in general, but your Mom is right -- you have the time or certainly can make the time. If you just don't want to do it, own that (I'd have your back) but this martyr act thing is a bit much. It's not hard to care for a baby and a household. It's not like you're balls to the wall working. It's one of the easiest gigs out there. BTDT.

If you bothered to read the thread, you’d see that OP’s mom works a night shift, so she’s sleeping a large portion of the day when it might be really easy for OP to connect with her. Their schedules aren’t synced. Also, the mother spends an entire day with the baby. She can go a day without a FaceTime. Whining and guilt-tripping are immature.

What OP needs to do is to stop engaging and explaining. Ignore the texts.

Then why was she prattling on about how hard it is to be a SAHM. It’s not hard.

[Anonymous]

Calmly inform her of what you will do like Face Time once a week or whatever and politely let her know it is not up for discussion and you may need to decrease if it's too much. You is needy and anxious and looking to be enmeshed. Don't enable her to remain this way by giving in to her demands. The more you try to please, the more demands she will have and the less she feel a need to build her own life. Also enmeshment very often leads to resentment and eventually estrangement so you are protecting your relationship with her by setting healthy boundaries.

If she is very emotionally challenged and cannot handle boundaries consider working with a therapist on strategies and dealing with the backlash if mom, needs to control everything and can't handle a no of any shape or form.

Love is not suffocating.

[Anonymous]

She is needy, not you is needy. Sorry! Haven't had my coffee.

[Anonymous]

Agree with people stop saying you don’t have time. You don’t want to. You’re allowed to not want to. Don’t let anyone guilt you.

[Anonymous]

Use your words. Mom, I won’t call you every day. Let’s set a time, two or three times a week for a quick call. When she complains, mom, we’ve covered this. Im calling you three times a week. That’s it. I’ve got to go now, then hang up.

[Anonymous]

just indulge her. She’s your mom and is crazy about the baby. It’s 5 minutes out of your day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need help managing my mom’s expectations. She thinks because I’m a SAHM I have time to FaceTime with my baby every single day. I tell her caring for my baby is a full-time job, as well as caring for the household (we don’t outsource anything). I told her when I’m not caring for baby I’m cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, loading and unloading the dishwasher, taking care of our two dogs, or taking care of my own needs.

She says “it’s just 5 minutes a day”. I told her I will do my best, but sometimes I do forget and she gets upset. She will text me “awake?” Meaning is baby awake or “no call today?”. She makes it seem like FaceTiming her every day is such an easy task and she even made fun of me when I said somedays I just don’t have the time or it simply slips my mind. She also gets a whole day with my baby once per week. What can I say that is kind but firm?

I mean, I hate FaceTiming in general, but your Mom is right -- you have the time or certainly can make the time. If you just don't want to do it, own that (I'd have your back) but this martyr act thing is a bit much. It's not hard to care for a baby and a household. It's not like you're balls to the wall working. It's one of the easiest gigs out there. BTDT.

Maybe you found it easy, but not everyone does. I agree that this is about boundaries. OP needs to draw them and speak up, with no excuses. And a grandma who get a whole day, weekly, with baby, doesn’t need daily phone calls on top of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:just indulge her. She’s your mom and is crazy about the baby. It’s 5 minutes out of your day!

NP and I love my mom and I can talk to her on the phone all day. I pop my headphones on and we chat. But face timing? I hate it and I wouldn’t do it every day. Maybe for five minutes once a week but there’s something about having a sit still in front of a screen and talk that I would also hate. OP, either ignore call mom or reply to one of her text, sorry, no FaceTime today. No further explanation.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her you need a little distance right now and schedule a video chat once a week. She’s going to be mad, and it will do her a world of good.

That’s what I did. I don’t do well with being controlled and judged.