Are there any downsides to marrying into a rich family?

[Anonymous]

My sister married into a family that I assume has $20+million net worth but I have never asked. FIL has a pension that is around $700,000 per year (he is 86 and has been getting this for the better part of 20 years). They bought a home in a retirement community about 2 years ago for $1.5 million cash because they couldn't imagine downsizing at this point - they are in their 80s! They have a generational trust that has been carried through since the 1920s when a great great grandma made it rich on the stock exchange.

Anyway they are all very low key and you would hardly know they have so much wealth. But they are low key wealthy. My brother in law and sister work and make around $1 million a year. His brother in law (so my sisters BIL) makes probably $2-$3 million a year. This is how generational wealth is built. They keep it, each generation makes enough they don't need to rely on the trust, and it just keeps getting passed on and on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t expect to be able to build joint wealth. The house you live in with your spouse will be owned by the family trust. If you divorce, you may end up being the one paying CS and/or alimony.

So untrue. Dh and I both come from high nw families. We received gifts that we used as a down payment for our home. Any other gifts we receive are to us directly. None of our joint assets are in any kind of trust.

High NW families are as varied as any other socioeconomic level. We both come from nice, generous families. My MIL is controlling but we dh and I both work and fund our own life and choices.

[Anonymous]

We have plenty of money, live a great life with two homes, fly business, etc. and I can't imagine anyone being so out of touch that they don't realize that $25 million is objectively rich. Wow.


I disagree, sort of. Our net worth is about $20MM. We are extremely comfortable and want for nothing but I’m still careful with our money. My cousin is what I call rich. His net worth is low 9 figures. We fly business class, he owns a jet. We have a Mercedes, he has 3 plus a Rolls. See where this is going? There’s comfortable and then there’s rich. And, also, a PP said to expect to sign a prenup. That’s a definite in a rich family. Not so much in a comfortable family.

To me: comfortable means every kid had a bedroom, house is remodeled, medical bills dontt bankrupt you, drive a nice car, you could pay for all of college and take a couple nice vacations a year, maybe a second home or condo, and you pay for Economy Plus. Like, 350k-400k/year.

[Anonymous]

My family doesn’t have this level of wealth, but it wouldn’t surprise me if my parents have over $10 million in their estate. My siblings and I each have a few million if you include homes (they own, I do not), bank and retirement accounts ec. One sibling was married to someone who grew up with very little. They eventually divorced and now both siblings are married to people whose parents are also quite wealthy. By contrast, my husband grew up totally comfortable by most standards (upper middle class) but differently than us. I spent summers with my stay at home mom at our beach house taking lessons at the yacht club and tennis club. I want to private schools and my parents paid for college. He’d rarely flown and was on a Pell Grant in college (where we met). We’ve been together 25 years and have kids and yet I feel like my family (whom we rarely see these days) kind of manages to tolerate him. I don’t know that it would be different if he’d come from more money but I do wonder. All that said, it’s definitely easier to have money than to not, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. Also, to my knowledge none of us signed a prenup. When DH and I married he was a PhD candidate. His net worth was non-existent (like he wasn’t in debt, but he pretty much exactly covered his bills) and mine was probably around a million. These days his salary is about 150% of mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

$25M for a family is comfortable but some would not call rich.

We have plenty of money, live a great life with two homes, fly business, etc. and I can't imagine anyone being so out of touch that they don't realize that $25 million is objectively rich. Wow.

I disagree, sort of. Our net worth is about $20MM. We are extremely comfortable and want for nothing but I’m still careful with our money. My cousin is what I call rich. His net worth is low 9 figures. We fly business class, he owns a jet. We have a Mercedes, he has 3 plus a Rolls. See where this is going? There’s comfortable and then there’s rich. And, also, a PP said to expect to sign a prenup. That’s a definite in a rich family. Not so much in a comfortable family.

More like there is “rich” and then “ultra rich”.

My son is getting married in 2 weeks. We're at $30M (from DH's career), we did ask my future DIL to sign a prenup and made clear our expectations. Mainly I want my son and grandkids to be within an hours drive of us and to see them a few times a month. I don't think that is too much to ask in exchange for the financial help that they will need in the DMV to setup their own lives.

You’re mandating visits?

Oh God.

+1

And for only $30M? LOL get real

[Anonymous]

I nearly married a billionaires only son, they wanted a prenup bc it was a family business.

[Anonymous]

There are major downsides.

The wealthy side of the family owns you unless one spouse is successful enough to recreate the same lifestyle on their own income. This rarely happens.

The wealthy side has control over childcare, where your kids attend school and even family vacations.

You end up paying a lot for marrying into that kind of wealth.

You aren’t able to build wealth together.

The sweet spot is finding a man who grew up UMC and is now very successful on his own.

[Anonymous]

there's rich and there's filthy rich, but they're all rich and wayyyyyy more than comfortable

[Anonymous]

Hmmm I’m surprised people suggesting that in-laws having $20m is “controlling” level of money. In-laws by definition are going to be older, maybe already retired and if not they’re close to it. So that $20m is likely as big as it’s getting and probably reflects a lifetime of high earnings. My parents have this, and it’s because my dad in his thirties started making the equivalent of around $700k to $1m per year in his peak earning years (20 years). So yes they have a nice primary house in the suburbs that’s now worth $4m (they bought it forever ago but like everyone in their generation have benefited from real estate increases) and a second condo. And they drive Lexus and bmw type cars. And they travel when they want and don’t worry about money and they paid for college and grad school for me and my sister, plus gave us both down payments. So absolutely wealthy. But they’re not anywhere near being able to fly private or more importantly, to lord enough money over us kids that we could quit our jobs and live in $3m homes paid for by my parents. Basically. $20m is enough to help out the kids get started on a great financial and educational start (no debt, good degrees, first homes) but the rest from there is on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm I’m surprised people suggesting that in-laws having $20m is “controlling” level of money. In-laws by definition are going to be older, maybe already retired and if not they’re close to it. So that $20m is likely as big as it’s getting and probably reflects a lifetime of high earnings. My parents have this, and it’s because my dad in his thirties started making the equivalent of around $700k to $1m per year in his peak earning years (20 years). So yes they have a nice primary house in the suburbs that’s now worth $4m (they bought it forever ago but like everyone in their generation have benefited from real estate increases) and a second condo. And they drive Lexus and bmw type cars. And they travel when they want and don’t worry about money and they paid for college and grad school for me and my sister, plus gave us both down payments. So absolutely wealthy. But they’re not anywhere near being able to fly private or more importantly, to lord enough money over us kids that we could quit our jobs and live in $3m homes paid for by my parents. Basically. $20m is enough to help out the kids get started on a great financial and educational start (no debt, good degrees, first homes) but the rest from there is on the kids.

It’s enough to provide you with a large down payment and pay for grandkids to attend private school. Also nice gifts, clothes for the grandkids and expensive family vacations. This might be immaterial to you, but it’s a huge financial benefit and a lifestyle that likely couldn’t be lived without the financial help from the parents/in-laws. It’s still life changing money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm I’m surprised people suggesting that in-laws having $20m is “controlling” level of money. In-laws by definition are going to be older, maybe already retired and if not they’re close to it. So that $20m is likely as big as it’s getting and probably reflects a lifetime of high earnings. My parents have this, and it’s because my dad in his thirties started making the equivalent of around $700k to $1m per year in his peak earning years (20 years). So yes they have a nice primary house in the suburbs that’s now worth $4m (they bought it forever ago but like everyone in their generation have benefited from real estate increases) and a second condo. And they drive Lexus and bmw type cars. And they travel when they want and don’t worry about money and they paid for college and grad school for me and my sister, plus gave us both down payments. So absolutely wealthy. But they’re not anywhere near being able to fly private or more importantly, to lord enough money over us kids that we could quit our jobs and live in $3m homes paid for by my parents. Basically. $20m is enough to help out the kids get started on a great financial and educational start (no debt, good degrees, first homes) but the rest from there is on the kids.

It’s enough to provide you with a large down payment and pay for grandkids to attend private school. Also nice gifts, clothes for the grandkids and expensive family vacations. This might be immaterial to you, but it’s a huge financial benefit and a lifestyle that likely couldn’t be lived without the financial help from the parents/in-laws. It’s still life changing money.

I didn't say it wasn't life changing money. But it's not enough that you have to worry about not building your own assets, having to live in a trust-owned house, or having a spouse who doesn't work because their parent floats them 100%, or having inlaws who effectively own you. The types of things people above are citing as why it sucks to marry into a rich family. At $20m assets, your inlaws maybe offer to buy you a first house for $800k, or a big down payment on a larger house. But you (the kids) are still financially self sufficient enough that if you don't like the strings attached to that offer, you can say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are major downsides.

The wealthy side of the family owns you unless one spouse is successful enough to recreate the same lifestyle on their own income. This rarely happens.

The wealthy side has control over childcare, where your kids attend school and even family vacations.

You end up paying a lot for marrying into that kind of wealth.

You aren’t able to build wealth together.

The sweet spot is finding a man who grew up UMC and is now very successful on his own.

Would you mind expanding on the bolded section -- your wealthy spouse doesn't cover those costs? Where do the extra costs come from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

$25M for a family is comfortable but some would not call rich.

We have plenty of money, live a great life with two homes, fly business, etc. and I can't imagine anyone being so out of touch that they don't realize that $25 million is objectively rich. Wow.

I disagree, sort of. Our net worth is about $20MM. We are extremely comfortable and want for nothing but I’m still careful with our money. My cousin is what I call rich. His net worth is low 9 figures. We fly business class, he owns a jet. We have a Mercedes, he has 3 plus a Rolls. See where this is going? There’s comfortable and then there’s rich. And, also, a PP said to expect to sign a prenup. That’s a definite in a rich family. Not so much in a comfortable family.

Such a clueless post. You are rich. Your relative is super-rich.

[Anonymous]

My brother married into that sort of wealth. Amazing when they were younger. Parents purchased a house for them, paid for renovations, paid for a bigger house etc etc. Now they are in their 50s and the payback starts. They have their own wealth but have to do a lot for their parents, as well as SIL’s sister (and her family) who is a low achiever. There is frequent family drama that he can’t get out of. IMO - better to build you own wealth. Gives you more control over your life.