Do other people describe you or treat you as "weird"? Come on in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

PP back (I am not going to engage with some of the other PPs). Have you read Bimbos of the Death Sun? It's a 70s/80s murder mystery at science fiction convention, and there's a part where one character talks about how she got into con life because she had to work so hard to "be a person" and I remember relating to that like crazy when I first read it as a teen. In DC, there are weird people but it can be really hard to find them. Before the pandemic, I used to go to Shakespeare in the Pub a lot, but I don't think they've restarted again. I also maintain a lot of internet friendships that mean the world to me. Wishing you all the best!

Thank you. Yes, I do feel like I have to put an enormous amount of work into "being a person."

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

You are impossible. Your experience could easily have taught you a completely different lesson -- like, "you can't judge a book by its cover, and next time I see a lawyer, consultant or other professional, I'm not going to make shallow assumptions about who they are on the inside."

You are missing the point. It's not about judging someone, it's about the fact that doing one off-beat hobby doesn't make you non-conformist if in every other way you are a conformist. And when you get a bunch of pretty conformist people together doing something unusual, they will make that unusual activity conformist. So if you are someone who is neuro-divergent or just struggle to fit in, you might join that hobby think you will find people like you, people who who feel like outsiders, only to find that everyone else there is really similar to one another in very socially-approved ways.

The lawyers and consultants I met in this hobby were what they appeared to be -- competitive and fairly traditional. Their choice of hobby did not actually reflect a more unusual way of viewing the world or a refusal to engage in cultural norms for their own sake. Which is great for them! They seemed nice. But I still didn't fit in with them.

Maybe they chose the hobby because they liked it. Maybe you have more in common with people than you think.

I'm sure they did choose it because they liked it. I did not feel welcome or like a part of their group because the only thing I had in common with them was this hobby, and people could not relate to my background or the way I arrange or prioritize my life. They were relatively narrow in that regard.

Look, I get my comment seems to have triggered you (I'm guessing your a lawyer type with an off-beat hobby) but it's not actually about you. I'm talking about MY experience, which is that I joined an unusual hobby thinking I'd find people like me because I sometimes struggle to fine people I have things in common with. And instead I found that most of the people there had a lot in common with each other but not with me, and I continued to feel like an outsider. Conversations at the hobby tended to gravitate toward the same topics that a lot of UMC urban professionals tend to discuss at work or at happy hours or at parties. The fact that we were doing a somewhat unusual hobby didn't seem to factor much into it.

That is my experience and even if you feel personally insulted by it, that doesn't change the fact that it was my experience.

I'm not insulted or triggered. I'm also not a lawyer with a quirky hobby. My entire life is quirky, for this area at least. This area is incredibly dull. FYI all of the friends I've made since becoming a parent have come in through the back door. They were not people I ever imagined I'd have something in common with or click with. But we just kept seeing each other over and over and over until we were connected. Then once we were friends and started sharing, guess what, we have a lot more in common than I thought we did. People don't tell you the weird things for a long time.

Good for you. What does any of that have to do with the fact that when I sought out an unusual hobby in the hopes of meeting other people who felt like square pegs in round holes, instead I found that most of the people there were quite conventional in ways that were similar to one another but not to me, and I once again felt like an outsider?

None of those people wanted to see me outside of that hobby, which I went to for years, because they thought I was weird and they wanted to spend time with people who had more similar backgrounds and jobs to them. Our shared hobby was not enough to connect us.

You are acting like I rejected them and don't seem to get that they rejected me.

I was just trying to help you see things differently. That's all. There are as many different ways of experiencing reality as there are people on this planet. Sometimes seeing things a different way resonates and sets you free. But I won't add any more insights.

A note for the future. Telling someone "you're impossible" and antagonizing them is not the perspective-widening approach you think it is. I was on this thread this morning because I am feeling frustrated and lonely, and you attacked everything I said like I'm some idiot who doesn't understand my own experience.

I think think possibly YOU are the one who needs to expand your perspective to accept that not everyone experiences life as you do and that when someone is complaining about an experience, it's not always their own fault and they can't always "fix" their problem by just behaving as you behave.

I've read your posts about this subject on multiple threads over time. They're heart-wrenching. Sorry I tried to fix it for you. I won't do it again.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU

Wow. No wonder no one wants to socialize with you outside of your hobby.

Are you guys trying to get me to kill myself, or....

I am struggling. I feel weird and not accepted by others. I'm sorry I don't have the background or whatever the heck it takes to get people to like me or want to be friends with me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that I just can't be the think I am supposed to be to fit into this place. If a stranger on the internet actually could fix it for me, I would have figured that out by now and done it.

I should have known better than to come on here looking for kindness or understanding But I'll tell you one thing, if the rest of you were all so well-adjusted and happy, I don't think you'd be on here criticizing and arguing with me. I think you're every bit as broken as I am but I handle it by looking for kindness and you handle it by feeling superior.

Please don't threaten suicide over this. What many posters are trying to convey is that it is okay to be different; although you are probably more "normal" than you feel. If you see a therapist, could you explore your feelings of weirdness and lack of acceptance from others? Feelings can change over timeand with therapy and reframing/acceptance.

I think about suicide at least a couple times a week, it's not a threat.

I struggle to make friends and I don't feel like I belong when I try. I probably try to make friends more than anyone you've ever met. I don't feel accepted or understood for others.

What the posters were actually saying (who knows what they were trying to say) was that I must not be trying hard enough or giving other people enough of a chance. People do not give me a chance. And I know exactly where my feelings of not feeling understood or accepted come from, I've been in therapy for years and I understand that parental neglect and abuse is what makes me feel this way. But those aren't things I can change -- I seek acceptance from others and often get rejected because people want you to hide your broken bits and smooth out all your rough edges. Or they simply have no experience with what it feels like to not feel loved or accepted by your own family so it doesn't occur to them that the reason this person seems "weird" to them is that they need love and understanding.

I'm sorry but the other posters were rude and antagonizing. Literally a poster started in with "You're impossible." When you have spent a life time being constantly told that you are not good enough, you're too hard, you're not lovable enough, you're not chill enough, you're not whatever would make it easier for someone who wants to put the minimum amount of effort into connecting needs to have in a person, that kind of response to "I feel weird and like I don't belong" is, dare I say, triggering.

This thread was supposed to be for peopel who don't fit in and it's been a lot of people saying "I do fit in! Perhaps the problem is that you aren't enough like me? Try harder." So yes, my response to that is: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU because that's not what I asked for at all. If you are so well-adjusted and happy in your apparently well-liked quirkiness, congrats. I'm an actual weirdo who struggles, I was looking for other people like that who might actually understand instead of offering trite advice on how to fix myself to that people like you will like me more.

I feel you on this, as I was also neglected and abused by my parents. I have had so much therapy, I still go, but what helps me the most is accepting and loving myself. I used to struggle with suicide ideation. It was oddly comforting to me to tell myself I could just end my suffering any time. I forced myself to stop thinking that way because I knew I wanted to live and, like you, I wanted friends. Time and getting older has taken the edge off my pain. You are reaching out for help, which tells me there is hope for you. Keep trying, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

You are impossible. Your experience could easily have taught you a completely different lesson -- like, "you can't judge a book by its cover, and next time I see a lawyer, consultant or other professional, I'm not going to make shallow assumptions about who they are on the inside."

You are missing the point. It's not about judging someone, it's about the fact that doing one off-beat hobby doesn't make you non-conformist if in every other way you are a conformist. And when you get a bunch of pretty conformist people together doing something unusual, they will make that unusual activity conformist. So if you are someone who is neuro-divergent or just struggle to fit in, you might join that hobby think you will find people like you, people who who feel like outsiders, only to find that everyone else there is really similar to one another in very socially-approved ways.

The lawyers and consultants I met in this hobby were what they appeared to be -- competitive and fairly traditional. Their choice of hobby did not actually reflect a more unusual way of viewing the world or a refusal to engage in cultural norms for their own sake. Which is great for them! They seemed nice. But I still didn't fit in with them.

Maybe they chose the hobby because they liked it. Maybe you have more in common with people than you think.

I'm sure they did choose it because they liked it. I did not feel welcome or like a part of their group because the only thing I had in common with them was this hobby, and people could not relate to my background or the way I arrange or prioritize my life. They were relatively narrow in that regard.

Look, I get my comment seems to have triggered you (I'm guessing your a lawyer type with an off-beat hobby) but it's not actually about you. I'm talking about MY experience, which is that I joined an unusual hobby thinking I'd find people like me because I sometimes struggle to fine people I have things in common with. And instead I found that most of the people there had a lot in common with each other but not with me, and I continued to feel like an outsider. Conversations at the hobby tended to gravitate toward the same topics that a lot of UMC urban professionals tend to discuss at work or at happy hours or at parties. The fact that we were doing a somewhat unusual hobby didn't seem to factor much into it.

That is my experience and even if you feel personally insulted by it, that doesn't change the fact that it was my experience.

I'm not insulted or triggered. I'm also not a lawyer with a quirky hobby. My entire life is quirky, for this area at least. This area is incredibly dull. FYI all of the friends I've made since becoming a parent have come in through the back door. They were not people I ever imagined I'd have something in common with or click with. But we just kept seeing each other over and over and over until we were connected. Then once we were friends and started sharing, guess what, we have a lot more in common than I thought we did. People don't tell you the weird things for a long time.

Good for you. What does any of that have to do with the fact that when I sought out an unusual hobby in the hopes of meeting other people who felt like square pegs in round holes, instead I found that most of the people there were quite conventional in ways that were similar to one another but not to me, and I once again felt like an outsider?

None of those people wanted to see me outside of that hobby, which I went to for years, because they thought I was weird and they wanted to spend time with people who had more similar backgrounds and jobs to them. Our shared hobby was not enough to connect us.

You are acting like I rejected them and don't seem to get that they rejected me.

I was just trying to help you see things differently. That's all. There are as many different ways of experiencing reality as there are people on this planet. Sometimes seeing things a different way resonates and sets you free. But I won't add any more insights.

A note for the future. Telling someone "you're impossible" and antagonizing them is not the perspective-widening approach you think it is. I was on this thread this morning because I am feeling frustrated and lonely, and you attacked everything I said like I'm some idiot who doesn't understand my own experience.

I think think possibly YOU are the one who needs to expand your perspective to accept that not everyone experiences life as you do and that when someone is complaining about an experience, it's not always their own fault and they can't always "fix" their problem by just behaving as you behave.

I've read your posts about this subject on multiple threads over time. They're heart-wrenching. Sorry I tried to fix it for you. I won't do it again.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU

Wow. No wonder no one wants to socialize with you outside of your hobby.

Are you guys trying to get me to kill myself, or....

I am struggling. I feel weird and not accepted by others. I'm sorry I don't have the background or whatever the heck it takes to get people to like me or want to be friends with me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that I just can't be the think I am supposed to be to fit into this place. If a stranger on the internet actually could fix it for me, I would have figured that out by now and done it.

I should have known better than to come on here looking for kindness or understanding But I'll tell you one thing, if the rest of you were all so well-adjusted and happy, I don't think you'd be on here criticizing and arguing with me. I think you're every bit as broken as I am but I handle it by looking for kindness and you handle it by feeling superior.

Please don't threaten suicide over this. What many posters are trying to convey is that it is okay to be different; although you are probably more "normal" than you feel. If you see a therapist, could you explore your feelings of weirdness and lack of acceptance from others? Feelings can change over timeand with therapy and reframing/acceptance.

I think about suicide at least a couple times a week, it's not a threat.

I struggle to make friends and I don't feel like I belong when I try. I probably try to make friends more than anyone you've ever met. I don't feel accepted or understood for others.

What the posters were actually saying (who knows what they were trying to say) was that I must not be trying hard enough or giving other people enough of a chance. People do not give me a chance. And I know exactly where my feelings of not feeling understood or accepted come from, I've been in therapy for years and I understand that parental neglect and abuse is what makes me feel this way. But those aren't things I can change -- I seek acceptance from others and often get rejected because people want you to hide your broken bits and smooth out all your rough edges. Or they simply have no experience with what it feels like to not feel loved or accepted by your own family so it doesn't occur to them that the reason this person seems "weird" to them is that they need love and understanding.

I'm sorry but the other posters were rude and antagonizing. Literally a poster started in with "You're impossible." When you have spent a life time being constantly told that you are not good enough, you're too hard, you're not lovable enough, you're not chill enough, you're not whatever would make it easier for someone who wants to put the minimum amount of effort into connecting needs to have in a person, that kind of response to "I feel weird and like I don't belong" is, dare I say, triggering.

This thread was supposed to be for peopel who don't fit in and it's been a lot of people saying "I do fit in! Perhaps the problem is that you aren't enough like me? Try harder." So yes, my response to that is: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU because that's not what I asked for at all. If you are so well-adjusted and happy in your apparently well-liked quirkiness, congrats. I'm an actual weirdo who struggles, I was looking for other people like that who might actually understand instead of offering trite advice on how to fix myself to that people like you will like me more.

I feel you on this, as I was also neglected and abused by my parents. I have had so much therapy, I still go, but what helps me the most is accepting and loving myself. I used to struggle with suicide ideation. It was oddly comforting to me to tell myself I could just end my suffering any time. I forced myself to stop thinking that way because I knew I wanted to live and, like you, I wanted friends. Time and getting older has taken the edge off my pain. You are reaching out for help, which tells me there is hope for you. Keep trying, op.

Thank you for replying and for your kind words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

You are impossible. Your experience could easily have taught you a completely different lesson -- like, "you can't judge a book by its cover, and next time I see a lawyer, consultant or other professional, I'm not going to make shallow assumptions about who they are on the inside."

You are missing the point. It's not about judging someone, it's about the fact that doing one off-beat hobby doesn't make you non-conformist if in every other way you are a conformist. And when you get a bunch of pretty conformist people together doing something unusual, they will make that unusual activity conformist. So if you are someone who is neuro-divergent or just struggle to fit in, you might join that hobby think you will find people like you, people who who feel like outsiders, only to find that everyone else there is really similar to one another in very socially-approved ways.

The lawyers and consultants I met in this hobby were what they appeared to be -- competitive and fairly traditional. Their choice of hobby did not actually reflect a more unusual way of viewing the world or a refusal to engage in cultural norms for their own sake. Which is great for them! They seemed nice. But I still didn't fit in with them.

Maybe they chose the hobby because they liked it. Maybe you have more in common with people than you think.

I'm sure they did choose it because they liked it. I did not feel welcome or like a part of their group because the only thing I had in common with them was this hobby, and people could not relate to my background or the way I arrange or prioritize my life. They were relatively narrow in that regard.

Look, I get my comment seems to have triggered you (I'm guessing your a lawyer type with an off-beat hobby) but it's not actually about you. I'm talking about MY experience, which is that I joined an unusual hobby thinking I'd find people like me because I sometimes struggle to fine people I have things in common with. And instead I found that most of the people there had a lot in common with each other but not with me, and I continued to feel like an outsider. Conversations at the hobby tended to gravitate toward the same topics that a lot of UMC urban professionals tend to discuss at work or at happy hours or at parties. The fact that we were doing a somewhat unusual hobby didn't seem to factor much into it.

That is my experience and even if you feel personally insulted by it, that doesn't change the fact that it was my experience.

I'm not insulted or triggered. I'm also not a lawyer with a quirky hobby. My entire life is quirky, for this area at least. This area is incredibly dull. FYI all of the friends I've made since becoming a parent have come in through the back door. They were not people I ever imagined I'd have something in common with or click with. But we just kept seeing each other over and over and over until we were connected. Then once we were friends and started sharing, guess what, we have a lot more in common than I thought we did. People don't tell you the weird things for a long time.

Good for you. What does any of that have to do with the fact that when I sought out an unusual hobby in the hopes of meeting other people who felt like square pegs in round holes, instead I found that most of the people there were quite conventional in ways that were similar to one another but not to me, and I once again felt like an outsider?

None of those people wanted to see me outside of that hobby, which I went to for years, because they thought I was weird and they wanted to spend time with people who had more similar backgrounds and jobs to them. Our shared hobby was not enough to connect us.

You are acting like I rejected them and don't seem to get that they rejected me.

I was just trying to help you see things differently. That's all. There are as many different ways of experiencing reality as there are people on this planet. Sometimes seeing things a different way resonates and sets you free. But I won't add any more insights.

A note for the future. Telling someone "you're impossible" and antagonizing them is not the perspective-widening approach you think it is. I was on this thread this morning because I am feeling frustrated and lonely, and you attacked everything I said like I'm some idiot who doesn't understand my own experience.

I think think possibly YOU are the one who needs to expand your perspective to accept that not everyone experiences life as you do and that when someone is complaining about an experience, it's not always their own fault and they can't always "fix" their problem by just behaving as you behave.

I've read your posts about this subject on multiple threads over time. They're heart-wrenching. Sorry I tried to fix it for you. I won't do it again.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU

Wow. No wonder no one wants to socialize with you outside of your hobby.

Are you guys trying to get me to kill myself, or....

I am struggling. I feel weird and not accepted by others. I'm sorry I don't have the background or whatever the heck it takes to get people to like me or want to be friends with me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that I just can't be the think I am supposed to be to fit into this place. If a stranger on the internet actually could fix it for me, I would have figured that out by now and done it.

I should have known better than to come on here looking for kindness or understanding But I'll tell you one thing, if the rest of you were all so well-adjusted and happy, I don't think you'd be on here criticizing and arguing with me. I think you're every bit as broken as I am but I handle it by looking for kindness and you handle it by feeling superior.

Please don't threaten suicide over this. What many posters are trying to convey is that it is okay to be different; although you are probably more "normal" than you feel. If you see a therapist, could you explore your feelings of weirdness and lack of acceptance from others? Feelings can change over timeand with therapy and reframing/acceptance.

I think about suicide at least a couple times a week, it's not a threat.

I struggle to make friends and I don't feel like I belong when I try. I probably try to make friends more than anyone you've ever met. I don't feel accepted or understood for others.

What the posters were actually saying (who knows what they were trying to say) was that I must not be trying hard enough or giving other people enough of a chance. People do not give me a chance. And I know exactly where my feelings of not feeling understood or accepted come from, I've been in therapy for years and I understand that parental neglect and abuse is what makes me feel this way. But those aren't things I can change -- I seek acceptance from others and often get rejected because people want you to hide your broken bits and smooth out all your rough edges. Or they simply have no experience with what it feels like to not feel loved or accepted by your own family so it doesn't occur to them that the reason this person seems "weird" to them is that they need love and understanding.

I'm sorry but the other posters were rude and antagonizing. Literally a poster started in with "You're impossible." When you have spent a life time being constantly told that you are not good enough, you're too hard, you're not lovable enough, you're not chill enough, you're not whatever would make it easier for someone who wants to put the minimum amount of effort into connecting needs to have in a person, that kind of response to "I feel weird and like I don't belong" is, dare I say, triggering.

This thread was supposed to be for peopel who don't fit in and it's been a lot of people saying "I do fit in! Perhaps the problem is that you aren't enough like me? Try harder." So yes, my response to that is: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU because that's not what I asked for at all. If you are so well-adjusted and happy in your apparently well-liked quirkiness, congrats. I'm an actual weirdo who struggles, I was looking for other people like that who might actually understand instead of offering trite advice on how to fix myself to that people like you will like me more.

Hey, OP. No joke - I’m actually happier now that I’m not trying to make friends. Instead I pursue activities I enjoy, whether solitary or communal… and if I happen to align with another person, great. If not, ok. I’ve cultivated an inner life and private life. I also get my people energy from just being in the community in other ways. For me, that’s working in a school (talk about draining for an introvert) and going to a coffee shop alone to read or do other quiet things while still seeing and hearing others around me. I also started taking supplements, drinking more water, and cut out coffee after 1pm (caffeine was making me more anxious). Today I took my son out and we did a litter walk (picking up trash) and an older man thanked us. We felt good and it made me feel more connected to society and my community. Find these little things. I also suspect that many people you THINK have deep friendships, actually don’t. They are just chatting with another mom they see sometimes, or maybe meeting up with a monthly book group, but those friendships are no deeper than a work acquaintance.

Also, have you considered therapy? Like finding friends, it may take several tries to find a therapist you can even slightly connect with, but therapy helped me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

PP back (I am not going to engage with some of the other PPs). Have you read Bimbos of the Death Sun? It's a 70s/80s murder mystery at science fiction convention, and there's a part where one character talks about how she got into con life because she had to work so hard to "be a person" and I remember relating to that like crazy when I first read it as a teen. In DC, there are weird people but it can be really hard to find them. Before the pandemic, I used to go to Shakespeare in the Pub a lot, but I don't think they've restarted again. I also maintain a lot of internet friendships that mean the world to me. Wishing you all the best!

Just chiming in to say that DC isn’t terrible if you’re strange. Sure, it’s maybe better to be in NYC or Portland because there are more people and more creative outlets, but from my experience, people can be without friends in those places too. I’ve lived all over and have had the same kind of experience. I moved out of DC to a “nice” state with more laid back people than DC and I find the vast majority follow the same societal conventions. A weirdo personality is a weirdo personality… if OP moved to Portland, she might not be weird enough, or people would find her to be a snob. So I’d say try to make the most of where you are. It’s really not about DC. I don’t have friends. It’s about me. But I also have come to accept that that’s ok.

[Anonymous]

INFP here and do really bad in group settings...

Actually I see people 1:1 as a career and in my career I am really liked and due to this make more $ that most people who do the same.

Now--put me into a parent PTA or whatever party and most women (im female too so try to talk to them mostly) look at me like I have horns...like a weirdo...never invite me to their small get together.....but the funny thing is these same moms would probably love me as their or their kids paid professional.....

So OP.....its all relative.....I have really struggled with this as I have 0 friends since moving here 20 years ago and becoming a wife and mom....it was hard at first but now I am blissfully happy doing massage therapy, psychotherapy for me, personal training..yes I only have paid friends...but then again people pay to see me.......LOL....its a crazy circle.....

I dont believe you are unlikable and it pains me you feel this way...hey maybe next week ill be the weird mom sitting next to you at the sports party arranged by PTA mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:INFP here and do really bad in group settings...

Actually I see people 1:1 as a career and in my career I am really liked and due to this make more $ that most people who do the same.

Now--put me into a parent PTA or whatever party and most women (im female too so try to talk to them mostly) look at me like I have horns...like a weirdo...never invite me to their small get together.....but the funny thing is these same moms would probably love me as their or their kids paid professional.....

So OP.....its all relative.....I have really struggled with this as I have 0 friends since moving here 20 years ago and becoming a wife and mom....it was hard at first but now I am blissfully happy doing massage therapy, psychotherapy for me, personal training..yes I only have paid friends...but then again people pay to see me.......LOL....its a crazy circle.....

I dont believe you are unlikable and it pains me you feel this way...hey maybe next week ill be the weird mom sitting next to you at the sports party arranged by PTA mom.

And the reason I dont believe you are unlikable is that you are open--yes DCUM is anonymous but you are open, vulnerable and honest with yourself...and thats more than a lot of people around us.....wishing you only good things!

[Anonymous]

I recently got into a hobby that people always said was full of quirky very accepting people — knitting and crocheting. I took a local class and saw the same women. Yes they welcomed me. They were older, but fine. However, I realized like any other group setting, I don’t really belong. Most of the class time was spent gossiping and bragging about their grown children, talking about hair, medical conditions. I guess on the one hand what else would people talk about, right? But I personally found it hard to sit for 2-3 hours each week just sitting and listening to gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im white and married an Asian man. I’ve come to realize that we will never have couples friends because most white men do not want to be friends with an Asian man. I think it’s because Asian men are not seen as traditionally masculine, which is what white men gravitate toward. It’s very odd because I’ve noticed white women have no problem being friends with Asian women. We’ve been married 25 years and I’ve come to accept this. People shy away from anyone even slightly different than themselves.

This is an insane theory.

Agree. I am white with a white DH and we have 2 sets of couple friends who are a white woman/Asian man. The husbands seem masculine enough to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved to an area where I could let my freak flag fly. Now I’m considered weird because I come across as practically normal.

Yup. I only moved to Frederick and companionship for my weird nerd hobbies pretty much fell into my lap.

Can you say more about what these weird nerd hobbies are?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here! I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal." I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly. I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.

You are impossible. Your experience could easily have taught you a completely different lesson -- like, "you can't judge a book by its cover, and next time I see a lawyer, consultant or other professional, I'm not going to make shallow assumptions about who they are on the inside."

You are missing the point. It's not about judging someone, it's about the fact that doing one off-beat hobby doesn't make you non-conformist if in every other way you are a conformist. And when you get a bunch of pretty conformist people together doing something unusual, they will make that unusual activity conformist. So if you are someone who is neuro-divergent or just struggle to fit in, you might join that hobby think you will find people like you, people who who feel like outsiders, only to find that everyone else there is really similar to one another in very socially-approved ways.

The lawyers and consultants I met in this hobby were what they appeared to be -- competitive and fairly traditional. Their choice of hobby did not actually reflect a more unusual way of viewing the world or a refusal to engage in cultural norms for their own sake. Which is great for them! They seemed nice. But I still didn't fit in with them.

Maybe they chose the hobby because they liked it. Maybe you have more in common with people than you think.

I'm sure they did choose it because they liked it. I did not feel welcome or like a part of their group because the only thing I had in common with them was this hobby, and people could not relate to my background or the way I arrange or prioritize my life. They were relatively narrow in that regard.

Look, I get my comment seems to have triggered you (I'm guessing your a lawyer type with an off-beat hobby) but it's not actually about you. I'm talking about MY experience, which is that I joined an unusual hobby thinking I'd find people like me because I sometimes struggle to fine people I have things in common with. And instead I found that most of the people there had a lot in common with each other but not with me, and I continued to feel like an outsider. Conversations at the hobby tended to gravitate toward the same topics that a lot of UMC urban professionals tend to discuss at work or at happy hours or at parties. The fact that we were doing a somewhat unusual hobby didn't seem to factor much into it.

That is my experience and even if you feel personally insulted by it, that doesn't change the fact that it was my experience.

I'm not insulted or triggered. I'm also not a lawyer with a quirky hobby. My entire life is quirky, for this area at least. This area is incredibly dull. FYI all of the friends I've made since becoming a parent have come in through the back door. They were not people I ever imagined I'd have something in common with or click with. But we just kept seeing each other over and over and over until we were connected. Then once we were friends and started sharing, guess what, we have a lot more in common than I thought we did. People don't tell you the weird things for a long time.

Good for you. What does any of that have to do with the fact that when I sought out an unusual hobby in the hopes of meeting other people who felt like square pegs in round holes, instead I found that most of the people there were quite conventional in ways that were similar to one another but not to me, and I once again felt like an outsider?

None of those people wanted to see me outside of that hobby, which I went to for years, because they thought I was weird and they wanted to spend time with people who had more similar backgrounds and jobs to them. Our shared hobby was not enough to connect us.

You are acting like I rejected them and don't seem to get that they rejected me.

I was just trying to help you see things differently. That's all. There are as many different ways of experiencing reality as there are people on this planet. Sometimes seeing things a different way resonates and sets you free. But I won't add any more insights.

A note for the future. Telling someone "you're impossible" and antagonizing them is not the perspective-widening approach you think it is. I was on this thread this morning because I am feeling frustrated and lonely, and you attacked everything I said like I'm some idiot who doesn't understand my own experience.

I think think possibly YOU are the one who needs to expand your perspective to accept that not everyone experiences life as you do and that when someone is complaining about an experience, it's not always their own fault and they can't always "fix" their problem by just behaving as you behave.

I've read your posts about this subject on multiple threads over time. They're heart-wrenching. Sorry I tried to fix it for you. I won't do it again.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU

Wow. No wonder no one wants to socialize with you outside of your hobby.

Are you guys trying to get me to kill myself, or....

I am struggling. I feel weird and not accepted by others. I'm sorry I don't have the background or whatever the heck it takes to get people to like me or want to be friends with me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that I just can't be the think I am supposed to be to fit into this place. If a stranger on the internet actually could fix it for me, I would have figured that out by now and done it.

I should have known better than to come on here looking for kindness or understanding But I'll tell you one thing, if the rest of you were all so well-adjusted and happy, I don't think you'd be on here criticizing and arguing with me. I think you're every bit as broken as I am but I handle it by looking for kindness and you handle it by feeling superior.

Please don't threaten suicide over this. What many posters are trying to convey is that it is okay to be different; although you are probably more "normal" than you feel. If you see a therapist, could you explore your feelings of weirdness and lack of acceptance from others? Feelings can change over timeand with therapy and reframing/acceptance.

I think about suicide at least a couple times a week, it's not a threat.

I struggle to make friends and I don't feel like I belong when I try. I probably try to make friends more than anyone you've ever met. I don't feel accepted or understood for others.

What the posters were actually saying (who knows what they were trying to say) was that I must not be trying hard enough or giving other people enough of a chance. People do not give me a chance. And I know exactly where my feelings of not feeling understood or accepted come from, I've been in therapy for years and I understand that parental neglect and abuse is what makes me feel this way. But those aren't things I can change -- I seek acceptance from others and often get rejected because people want you to hide your broken bits and smooth out all your rough edges. Or they simply have no experience with what it feels like to not feel loved or accepted by your own family so it doesn't occur to them that the reason this person seems "weird" to them is that they need love and understanding.

I'm sorry but the other posters were rude and antagonizing. Literally a poster started in with "You're impossible." When you have spent a life time being constantly told that you are not good enough, you're too hard, you're not lovable enough, you're not chill enough, you're not whatever would make it easier for someone who wants to put the minimum amount of effort into connecting needs to have in a person, that kind of response to "I feel weird and like I don't belong" is, dare I say, triggering.

This thread was supposed to be for peopel who don't fit in and it's been a lot of people saying "I do fit in! Perhaps the problem is that you aren't enough like me? Try harder." So yes, my response to that is: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOU because that's not what I asked for at all. If you are so well-adjusted and happy in your apparently well-liked quirkiness, congrats. I'm an actual weirdo who struggles, I was looking for other people like that who might actually understand instead of offering trite advice on how to fix myself to that people like you will like me more.

NP. I just want to say that I'm very sorry you're struggling. You sound really thoughtful and self-aware and honest and those are qualities I really admire.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wanted to let you know that I feel you. If you met me you’d probably think I was a popular person with a lot of friends. I seem friendly and outgoing but I am deeply insecure, worry about people talking about me and have crazy social anxiety. My big southern personality is a big elaborate front and very few people really know me. I was super close to my Mom and have been so lonely since she died 15 years ago. So just know that you really aren’t alone. And even the people you think have this really awesome tribe, really don’t. Hang in there. I am a self diagnosed Aspie with sensory issues and I think that is a part of it. If I knew you, I’d give you the biggest hug and we’d commiserate.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may be weird for whatever reason but there's always someone weirder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im white and married an Asian man. I’ve come to realize that we will never have couples friends because most white men do not want to be friends with an Asian man. I think it’s because Asian men are not seen as traditionally masculine, which is what white men gravitate toward. It’s very odd because I’ve noticed white women have no problem being friends with Asian women. We’ve been married 25 years and I’ve come to accept this. People shy away from anyone even slightly different than themselves.

This is an insane theory.

I'm a white female married to an asian immigrant. My husband isn't interested in being friends with white men. I've never really thought of it and I don't think he's racist. He doesn't have much in common with them, so I'm unsure how they would be friends, where they would meet. He doesn't have a lot of hobbies, doesn't watch football, or drink alcohol. I have a lot of Asian friends because of him. He works with a lot of Asians too. The easiest way to meet couples is through religious communities. I think with international couples, it's pretty typical one spouse ends up adapting themselves more to the other culture. Women tend to be more accommodating.

[Anonymous]

I have always been weird. I feel like when I was younger (in school), I felt like everyone thought I was weird. As a result, I kind of really got inside my head about what to say that was normal and how to act normally, etc. I think I was also really defensive about it. So, I was kind of shy and I also felt desperate to have friends. My childhood was not great and I had a lot of untreated anxiety and depression.

I feel like the more confident you are, the more people will be attracted to you. Sometimes as an adult, I do get the feeling that everyone is thinking I'm weird. I tell myself, though, that yes, I am and I can't be anyone but myself. I won't try to say the things I think I should and worry about how to act. I'm not hurting anyone or doing anything terrible. I have found that after a few times of seeming weird, the people are just like, "Oh yeah, I'm weird, too," or they're used to me and it doesn't bother them anymore. I mean, not everyone...some people still act like they don't like me. Remember, though, that other people's behavior isn't about you; it's about them. As hard as it is, you have to continue to be yourself. You want real friends who accept you for you. Other people are just people, like you, in that they don't sit in a position of authority or judgement over you.

I've also had years of therapy and take medication so I'm sure that has a big impact on how okay I am with myself right now. I'm sorry that you're struggling. You deserve to be here just as much as anyone else does.