How many middle-age adult children financially support their parents?

[Anonymous]

My husband started sending his mother money every month when he was in his early 30s. It was a very manageable amount for us. She is a widow and was living off social security and had nothing else. He has siblings and they also helped. His mother filed for bankruptcy before this, and when my husband was in his early 20s and we had not met yet, he and his older siblings chipped in to give her money to try to save her house.

His mother has since had a medical crisis and was moved into a nursing home, which is paid for by Medicaid. So he is not supporting her financially any longer. He and his siblings did draw the line at spending a ton of money to try to keep her in her house (which wasn't a reasonable choice anyway after the crisis) or in one of their homes.

My own parents are financially well off and so this will not be an issue for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband started sending his mother money every month when he was in his early 30s. It was a very manageable amount for us. She is a widow and was living off social security and had nothing else. He has siblings and they also helped. His mother filed for bankruptcy before this, and when my husband was in his early 20s and we had not met yet, he and his older siblings chipped in to give her money to try to save her house.

His mother has since had a medical crisis and was moved into a nursing home, which is paid for by Medicaid. So he is not supporting her financially any longer. He and his siblings did draw the line at spending a ton of money to try to keep her in her house (which wasn't a reasonable choice anyway after the crisis) or in one of their homes.

My own parents are financially well off and so this will not be an issue for them.

How it was his or his siblings' fault that their mother defaulted on her loans?

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends. We do help my parents but won’t do much because they won’t help themselves. Money was never with a financial planner - they let it run into the ground because my father is stubborn. Could have been over a million by now but nope. Sibling lives with them and is pissed now that they are nearing 90 and disabled. She’s always worked her passion which paid low. Brother followed his bliss, which led to meth addiction late in life. He’s kicked it but he lives paycheck to paycheck.

My husband and I have offered a lot of help for them to be able to help themselves. Money is tied up in their home. If they sold and moved to one of many free properties we offered, one around the corner no less, they could hire full time help. They live on SS but it’s over 3K/mo, so a smaller place, SS and an additional 550K would set them up. Very able bodied sibling screams ‘what about me!’. Well sibling, you can still live with them but wouldn’t have a suite upstairs all to yourself. You’d have one bedroom. Beggars and all that.

SO bottom line - help only those that are willing to be cooperative and help themselves

Does your sibling help your parents at all?

My parents are no longer here and, when they were, there was not a ton of cash even though they worked hard nearly their whole lives. But fortunately, my siblings and I were self sufficient and always able to come to agreement on how to support them, next steps, etc. I generally contributed more as our HHI is much higher than my siblings. Their final years were stressful enough - I can't imagine this as an overlay on it.

PP, good luck.

No. But she did help spend their saving down. And my father thought he knew how to invest then, and did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends. We do help my parents but won’t do much because they won’t help themselves. Money was never with a financial planner - they let it run into the ground because my father is stubborn. Could have been over a million by now but nope. Sibling lives with them and is pissed now that they are nearing 90 and disabled. She’s always worked her passion which paid low. Brother followed his bliss, which led to meth addiction late in life. He’s kicked it but he lives paycheck to paycheck.

My husband and I have offered a lot of help for them to be able to help themselves. Money is tied up in their home. If they sold and moved to one of many free properties we offered, one around the corner no less, they could hire full time help. They live on SS but it’s over 3K/mo, so a smaller place, SS and an additional 550K would set them up. Very able bodied sibling screams ‘what about me!’. Well sibling, you can still live with them but wouldn’t have a suite upstairs all to yourself. You’d have one bedroom. Beggars and all that.

SO bottom line - help only those that are willing to be cooperative and help themselves

Does your sibling help your parents at all?

My parents are no longer here and, when they were, there was not a ton of cash even though they worked hard nearly their whole lives. But fortunately, my siblings and I were self sufficient and always able to come to agreement on how to support them, next steps, etc. I generally contributed more as our HHI is much higher than my siblings. Their final years were stressful enough - I can't imagine this as an overlay on it.

PP, good luck.

She now helps them physically, but it also enables them to make bad decisions.

[Anonymous]

Not very many, seeing as how the parents of most middle-aged people are dead.

[Anonymous]

I would never. But, all of them are doing ok and live beneath their means.

[Anonymous]

I’m an AC. Have explicitly told my parents, who have no will, significant credit card debt & no long term care insurance that they’re on their own.

[Anonymous]

My sister does or my mother would be homeless

I do not help anymore as she’s a narcissist and if I giave her money for food she’d redecorate or buy jewelry not pay her bills

[Anonymous]

We provide extra cash (monthly) + pay medical bills for my in-laws and my biological mother. They all live very frugally and worked hard all their lives, but never really had much. They live on SS, so we send a little money in case they want to go for coffee or see a movie. And we make sure they always have money for health care.

[Anonymous]

I support my parents to an extent. I grew up poor. I realized pretty early on that education would be my ticket out of poverty and away from my small hometown. My parents realized that if I was able to go to college, I would probably get a high-paying job after graduation and could support them. They didn't force me to get an after school job like my other siblings; I only had to work during the summers.

My parents are terrible with money. I rarely give them cash. I support them by paying for their car repairs, my dad's meds that their crappy insurance won't cover, utilities from time to time, etc. I'll have groceries delivered if they need it or order takeout food for them. I pay for their flights to visit me and their hotel. I take them on vacation every few years and pay for that.

They strongly hint at how nice it would be to live with me when they come visit but that's not happening. I spent a lot of money on therapy learning about healthy boundaries and saying no!

It can be a weird relationship at times. I find myself saying things like "maybe for your birthday or Christmas" to them when they have non-essential requests like new wheels for my dad's adult RC truck thingy or telling my mom that no, I won't log into her Old Navy account and enter my cc info so she can buy $450 in new clothes.

My siblings mostly support themselves. I've helped out when they were in a pinch, but again, not with giving them the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for paying it forward.

Supporting parents is paying it backwards not forward.

[Anonymous]

My divorced sister lives with my parents and they help eachother out, although as they get older it will be more on her. I always tell her how grateful I am for that set up and that whatever money they paid into her house was totally fine with me as I know it’s the best situation for them and can be a struggle. Financially it makes very good sense to combine households if you can. Not sure I could deal with living with them and certainly not my in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm all for paying it forward.

Supporting parents is paying it backwards not forward.

That's what I'm saying. Most parent don't expect repayment from their children, just gratitude.

[Anonymous]

I’m a single mom of 2 and already stressed just about getting my kids through college and saving for my retirement and giving to charity. Paying my parents way is last on my list.

I didn’t ask to be born. I got very little affirmation or support growing up and had to figure everything out on my own as the oldest child, first gen to attend college. My brothers got way more financial and other support than I did (I am female) My parents had some good earning years but saved very little and spent a lot on restaurants, renovations, and vacations. Now they are in their upper 60s, divorced, and have not much at all. I really, really don’t feel warm fuzzies towards my parents and I don’t want to financially support them. I don’t care if that makes me a bad person.