Marriage is the most important decision of someone’s life: should parents interfere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am definitely planning to interfere. Not directly but subtly; will do my best

I will only admit on an anonymous forum that I agree with you. Our much-loved daughter has led a sheltered, not exactly privileged (she isn’t materialistic, but her every need is amply met) but definitely a snow-plowed life. We are too enmeshed and still help out with rent/living expenses post-grad school. It is complicated by an autoimmune condition and what i suspect is mild ADHD. I am worried about her current and future career prospects and am a little fixated on boyfriend’s future earning potential.

So, you want to offload her well? That's why the guys' parents should always be on the lookout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am definitely planning to interfere. Not directly but subtly; will do my best

I will only admit on an anonymous forum that I agree with you. Our much-loved daughter has led a sheltered, not exactly privileged (she isn’t materialistic, but her every need is amply met) but definitely a snow-plowed life. We are too enmeshed and still help out with rent/living expenses post-grad school. It is complicated by an autoimmune condition and what i suspect is mild ADHD. I am worried about her current and future career prospects and am a little fixated on boyfriend’s future earning potential.

You should be fixated on boyfriend's nature. She'll be better off with a caring and leader type who is a bit older and wants a follower. They'll be good for each other. That being said, she'll probably fall in love with opposite of what you think is right for her and without you hovering over her, she'll find ways to do things on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent don't interfere. They have an input in their kids life only if they have an excellent relationship with their children. This means that the parents have always put their children first and priortized their future & life experiences first. Not only that, the kids know and believe that their parents are their biggest allies.

My AC seek my input and we will have really lengthy discussions about many life decisions. The aim is to help your children make good decisions based on available information and patterns, and not to scuttle their dreams and aspirations on some power trip.

However we justify it in our minds, grown adult's relationships aren't any business of parents, don't complicate things for them. Only time a parent can butt in is if there is some sort of abuse going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am definitely planning to interfere. Not directly but subtly; will do my best

I will only admit on an anonymous forum that I agree with you. Our much-loved daughter has led a sheltered, not exactly privileged (she isn’t materialistic, but her every need is amply met) but definitely a snow-plowed life. We are too enmeshed and still help out with rent/living expenses post-grad school. It is complicated by an autoimmune condition and what i suspect is mild ADHD. I am worried about her current and future career prospects and am a little fixated on boyfriend’s future earning potential.

So, you want to offload her well? That's why the guys' parents should always be on the lookout.

Guy's parents or girl's parents, both need to stay out of it and not ruin things with their assumptions and intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent don't interfere. They have an input in their kids life only if they have an excellent relationship with their children. This means that the parents have always put their children first and priortized their future & life experiences first. Not only that, the kids know and believe that their parents are their biggest allies.

My AC seek my input and we will have really lengthy discussions about many life decisions. The aim is to help your children make good decisions based on available information and patterns, and not to scuttle their dreams and aspirations on some power trip.

That's how my mom and her sister were raised. Screwed them up for life because until my grandparents died, they were my mom's and my aunt's real friends and family - not the husbands, not the kids, not any other adults.

[Anonymous]

I am torn on this. My parents were and are useless people. I think sitting down and having a serious conversation about finding a peer and a partner.

[Anonymous]

You can give advice, but they don’t have to take it.

This is how it works between adults, OP.

My parents didn’t want me to marry my husband. I heard their opinions and I married him anyway. We’ve had many ups and downs in our 20 years, but their primary concern, that he was poor, has ended up not being verified

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you sense your adult child is making a mistake by marrying their partner?

Yes. I appreciate the Indian concept that, not just two people are getting married, but two families are being joined as well. I think parents should have some input. We in the west have become too individualistic.

[Anonymous]

My mom interfered and broke up my first engagement. It wasn’t going well anyway but she really encouraged me to end it and really, really was the catalyst.

Although I’m married now with 3 kids, I always wonder and really blame her completely.

Don’t do it. Unless it’s a dangerous situation. Don’t.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of it unless there is abuse. I can vividly remember my mom telling me how she didn’t want me to marry my husband 30 years ago. Her main reasons were she didn’t like his mother and he wasn’t from the same culture. Both of our mothers interfered too much and caused issues with our marriage for many years.

All that has happened is that neither of us have close relationships or really any relationships with our ILs.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I wish my parents had interfered. Historically, parents had a say . . . And for good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well after your pick their college major (not history!!) and their internships and their jobs, isn’t picking their spouse the next logical step? What do I know though? Our kid surprised us by having a different sexual orientation so clearly she didn’t pick who we were expecting!

You sound angry and bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who has been on DCUM long enough has seen how impactful marrying the right person can be to your life. That said, think hard before you interfere. My ILs did everything they could to stop DH from marrying me. They even roped in DH’s siblings in the fight. When their tactics didn’t work, the entire family boycotted our wedding. FWIW, I am not a felon, a stripper, a drug dealer or addict, etc., but I am of a different race.

Fast foward 30 years and the siblings’ marriages have dissolved and DH’s relationship with his family is fragile. The damage caused by their interference has been difficult to move past, although we make an effort for our children. If you can’t help yourself and do decide to interfere, please don’t enlist your other children or relatives to join your crusade. That way when you destroy your relationship with your daughter, she will at least have other family members she can be close with.

[Anonymous]

This question is really front loaded. What kind of relationship does the child have with the parents? What was that relationship like in the past?
Is there a financial component? Does the potential spouse expect to live in another country? Is the married couple expecting to live in the parents basement? Is the spouse a rabid Scientologist?
With the latter, Mr. Holmes had to interfere after the fact to get his daughter out so I'd say that parental involvement isn't something one should completely eliminate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom interfered and broke up my first engagement. It wasn’t going well anyway but she really encouraged me to end it and really, really was the catalyst.

Although I’m married now with 3 kids, I always wonder and really blame her completely.

Don’t do it. Unless it’s a dangerous situation. Don’t.

Wait, "it wasn't going well anyway" and you are blaming her for encouraging an end to a lukewarm relationship?
She probably saved you from a costly divorce and having to co-parent with an ex.