Marriage is the most important decision of someone’s life: should parents interfere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:UMC adult child is a trust fund baby, a medical professional and married someone who didn't finish high school, has a gambling problem, both parents are addicts, and grew up with physical and psychological abuse.

The spouse can't keep up with basic conversations because their lack of education. Had no idea that "Europe" is many different countries. Has no interest in furthering education.

Kept mouth shut and provided no advice.

That's every parent's worst nightmare. I hope she isn't a gold digger and turns out to be a supportive and loving wife and tries to give their children a better upbringing than what she received. If she is a good person, accept her with her flaws. She is your family now.

Why do you assume it’s a woman? Reads like a man - they are 7.5 times more likely to be a problem gambler.

You're right. It was a random assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you sense your adult child is making a mistake by marrying their partner?

You can not be real. This post is so stupid that it is astounding. Thanks for bringing the discourse on this site even lower. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I taught my children when they were little that they should NOT come to ask me or my wife about relationships or who they should be married to because we will always be biased and think what is best for them. Most of the time, that will be FALSE. They should talk to several outsiders who don't have a dog in the fight, and listen to what they have to say, and make the decision with given information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it.
It is their mistake to make

Otherwise they will blame you

My sister blames my parents for 'letting' her marry her jerky husband when she was too young. He ruined her life. Our parents were against the marriage but there was no way to stop them. Memory fades and it's so easy to blame parents for poor life choices.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that it’s the most important decision in someone’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that it’s the most important decision in someone’s life.

For Elizebeth Taylor, it was one of the seven most important decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of wish I hadn't been so supportive of my now DIL. She has severe anxiety that makes problems for their kids, and she won't get treatment.

I don't think it's a good idea to be outright opposed, but I wish I'd just stayed more neutral.

Sometimes the MIL creates the severe anxiety and stress. I know one like that and it impacts everyone not just the DIL. Treatment for that individual, the MIL, who exhibits NPD symptoms, should have commenced decades ago as per her relatives. Say one phrase and you can get a history. Most locals have dealt with it via avoidance for years before there even was a DIL. See only at funerals and events that get formal invitations like weddings or showers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well after your pick their college major (not history!!) and their internships and their jobs, isn’t picking their spouse the next logical step? What do I know though? Our kid surprised us by having a different sexual orientation so clearly she didn’t pick who we were expecting!

Ouch! Geez, maybe inject a little lidocaine first…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am definitely planning to interfere. Not directly but subtly; will do my best

I will only admit on an anonymous forum that I agree with you. Our much-loved daughter has led a sheltered, not exactly privileged (she isn’t materialistic, but her every need is amply met) but definitely a snow-plowed life. We are too enmeshed and still help out with rent/living expenses post-grad school. It is complicated by an autoimmune condition and what i suspect is mild ADHD. I am worried about her current and future career prospects and am a little fixated on boyfriend’s future earning potential.

[Anonymous]

No! God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay out of it.
It is their mistake to make

Otherwise they will blame you

My sister blames my parents for 'letting' her marry her jerky husband when she was too young. He ruined her life. Our parents were against the marriage but there was no way to stop them. Memory fades and it's so easy to blame parents for poor life choices.

So true. If my kid is to blame me either way, I would rather at least try to do something than do nothing when watching a train wreck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am definitely planning to interfere. Not directly but subtly; will do my best

I will only admit on an anonymous forum that I agree with you. Our much-loved daughter has led a sheltered, not exactly privileged (she isn’t materialistic, but her every need is amply met) but definitely a snow-plowed life. We are too enmeshed and still help out with rent/living expenses post-grad school. It is complicated by an autoimmune condition and what i suspect is mild ADHD. I am worried about her current and future career prospects and am a little fixated on boyfriend’s future earning potential.

I hope she listens to you… I definitely wouldn’t to my parents at that age, but we had a very complicated relationship. I sure hope mine and my son’s will be better.

[Anonymous]

My kids adore me but they are very clear that their relationships are personal matter and I agree. I wouldn't have liked my mom criticizing my partner. My MIL did and her kids resent her for that.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the situation, but if there is a major concern I would say it’s a good idea to state your worries one time, clearly, let them know you are there for them regardless and always…and then never mention it again if possible, and know they will find their way to you for support when they need to. My mom and I have a great relationship and it’s largely because she struck a good balance between expressing an honest concern and then letting me have the freedom to figure it out for myself. That way, I always knew I could go to her when I needed her, without being judged. And I cannot tell you the number of times in my life where a little part of me has realized “oh, mom was right…again.” But she herself would have never said that to me, ever. I really love her for that.

[Anonymous]

Parent don't interfere. They have an input in their kids life only if they have an excellent relationship with their children. This means that the parents have always put their children first and priortized their future & life experiences first. Not only that, the kids know and believe that their parents are their biggest allies.

My AC seek my input and we will have really lengthy discussions about many life decisions. The aim is to help your children make good decisions based on available information and patterns, and not to scuttle their dreams and aspirations on some power trip.