Blocked My mother today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP updating - still no communication. We are going on 5 months now. I recall na time in my early 20s we stopped communicating. After she made a huge stink that I go and see/stay with the family member that SA me.

DH keeps asking if we will reach out nor what happens if there is an emergency as we are the closet people to her in proximity. Her son is states away. He asks how I feel if it's too late to tell her something and I honestly can say I don't care about reconciliation. If she died tomorrow I would be very upset with myself that I didn't tell her what an absolute horrible person/mother she is and was. That I never called out the abuse from her own hands or the abuse the allowed others to commit on a young child throughout their entire life. That nobody ever called her out for the absolute mess she made her kids endure. But at this point I'm not even sure. Maybe a therapeutic letter and if I send it. I send it. If not. I got it all out.

To the pp asking why I cated after blocking her. No matter how shitty or abusive your parent is there is still hope they one day apologize and decide to show up. It's not that I miss her or grieve her. She's a complete waste of a human. I miss and grieve the mother I didn't get to have and the mom I don't have any will never have. It has far less to do with her and just a sadness for that lack.

We understand it when people talk about absent fathers- what that does to a kid. The statistics.... Not sure why it doesn't compute that it would be the same or worse for daughters who never had mother they could count on

OP, how are you feeling since breaking contact. Are you healthier? Are you enjoying life more?

I would write the letter, but I would NOT send it. Get the feelings out. Explore them. Assume the worst would happen with the letter if you actually sent it. She would share it with the world including perhaps your workplace. She would react in the worst way possible. If she asks for your feedback I would take the high road and be honest, but professional. If she doesn't ask, I would just accept this is who she is and nothing will change that. You just focus on healing and enjoying your life and being nothing like her.

[Anonymous]

NP. Please forgive me if I missed this earlier in one of your posts, OP, but have you had any therapy? Ongoing therapy? You are an abuse victim twice over, one perpetrator was your own brother (adding an especially horrific aspect) and your mother sounds emotionally abusive. You were right to end contact. But I hope you got, or will get, therapy, so you can process all this. It can be tough to find a therapist right now, because many are booked solid since the pandemic, but please try. Start with ones on your health insurance list of covered therapists and go from there.

A therapist can also help you sort through your intense feelings about wanting to call your mother out on the abuse and can talk with you about whether to do that at all, or how to process things so you can let go of craving that kind of interaction.

I note that your DH has said things like, what if you need to be a contact person if your mother gets ill etc.. He may mean well, but he needs to be 100 percent supportive of your choice to cut her out entirely and completely. If you feel he's pushing you to get back in touch, please, tell him that you need unequivocal support from him of all people. This is another area where seeing a therapist could help -- the therapist, rather than your DH, can be your sounding board. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP updating - still no communication. We are going on 5 months now. I recall na time in my early 20s we stopped communicating. After she made a huge stink that I go and see/stay with the family member that SA me.

DH keeps asking if we will reach out nor what happens if there is an emergency as we are the closet people to her in proximity. Her son is states away. He asks how I feel if it's too late to tell her something and I honestly can say I don't care about reconciliation. If she died tomorrow I would be very upset with myself that I didn't tell her what an absolute horrible person/mother she is and was. That I never called out the abuse from her own hands or the abuse the allowed others to commit on a young child throughout their entire life. That nobody ever called her out for the absolute mess she made her kids endure. But at this point I'm not even sure. Maybe a therapeutic letter and if I send it. I send it. If not. I got it all out.

To the pp asking why I cated after blocking her. No matter how shitty or abusive your parent is there is still hope they one day apologize and decide to show up. It's not that I miss her or grieve her. She's a complete waste of a human. I miss and grieve the mother I didn't get to have and the mom I don't have any will never have. It has far less to do with her and just a sadness for that lack.

We understand it when people talk about absent fathers- what that does to a kid. The statistics.... Not sure why it doesn't compute that it would be the same or worse for daughters who never had mother they could count on

OP, how are you feeling since breaking contact. Are you healthier? Are you enjoying life more?

I would write the letter, but I would NOT send it. Get the feelings out. Explore them. Assume the worst would happen with the letter if you actually sent it. She would share it with the world including perhaps your workplace. She would react in the worst way possible. If she asks for your feedback I would take the high road and be honest, but professional. If she doesn't ask, I would just accept this is who she is and nothing will change that. You just focus on healing and enjoying your life and being nothing like her.

I feel okay. Definitely like a weight has lifted. I get down sometimes but again not for HER specifically just the lack of a motherly figure in general. But I know I'm one of millions. DH and I are happier. I guess mother's day is coming and that's loaded because last mother's day she sent me into a complete panic attack and I cried for half day when I came out of it. This year I will order myself some treats and be kind to myself. Relieved I don't have to relive that day.

Great advice about the letter. I think I'll work on something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
NP. Please forgive me if I missed this earlier in one of your posts, OP, but have you had any therapy? Ongoing therapy? You are an abuse victim twice over, one perpetrator was your own brother (adding an especially horrific aspect) and your mother sounds emotionally abusive. You were right to end contact. But I hope you got, or will get, therapy, so you can process all this. It can be tough to find a therapist right now, because many are booked solid since the pandemic, but please try. Start with ones on your health insurance list of covered therapists and go from there.

A therapist can also help you sort through your intense feelings about wanting to call your mother out on the abuse and can talk with you about whether to do that at all, or how to process things so you can let go of craving that kind of interaction.

I note that your DH has said things like, what if you need to be a contact person if your mother gets ill etc.. He may mean well, but he needs to be 100 percent supportive of your choice to cut her out entirely and completely. If you feel he's pushing you to get back in touch, please, tell him that you need unequivocal support from him of all people. This is another area where seeing a therapist could help -- the therapist, rather than your DH, can be your sounding board. I wish you the best.

Thanks for this kind message. Yes I've been in therapy since I was 19. I've been lucky to work with some great therapists. Two long term who have helped and seen me through a lot. I should probably check back in to deal with the aftermath of cutting it off with my mom. even a handful of sessions.