MIL lost FIL money for retirement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:omg I'm made at this sloth MIL. When did her kids go to high school, the 90s? 30 years ago? She should have set her alarm, got up, got dressed, and went to work. I wish I could tell her that for you. Lazy witch

OP here. 2000s. My husband is in his early 30s. Ugh yes I wish I could say something to her too but I feel like it’s not my place.

I don't know that I would say something to her, but I think having a discussion with your husband might be a good idea. FIL should take legal steps to separate their finances and to find out if he can take steps to dissociate himself from her credit-wise or they are jointly going to be on the hook. This doesn't seem like a problem that's going to get better by ignoring it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you blaming only one person? It’s not as if he didn’t know what wes going on.

I blame them both. But more her because she never worked so I would think she would at least know her financial status. I don’t know why she keeps spending so much.

My husband blames his dad for not keeping an eye on things himself.

How is this any of your business?

It’s my business when she’s asking me to provide for her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so funny that you hold the MIL completely responsible for the straits they are in but give the FIL a pass. Really sexist of you. Did the MIL hide the bills from the FIL for all these years? Did the FIL spend nothing? It takes two to tango.

I hold them both responsible

No, you don't. Read your title. You SAY you hold them both responsible but you're blaming your MIL. Really, you sound as immature and irresponsible as your MIL and FIL. I feel very sorry for your DH.

You’re very dramatic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you blaming only one person? It’s not as if he didn’t know what wes going on.

I blame them both. But more her because she never worked so I would think she would at least know her financial status. I don’t know why she keeps spending so much.

My husband blames his dad for not keeping an eye on things himself.

How is this any of your business?

It’s my business when she’s asking me to provide for her

Just say no. How hard is that? No you don't have the money. She can't steal it from you. Now if your dh wants to give it to her you need to talk to him about saying no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you blaming only one person? It’s not as if he didn’t know what wes going on.

I blame them both. But more her because she never worked so I would think she would at least know her financial status. I don’t know why she keeps spending so much.

My husband blames his dad for not keeping an eye on things himself.

How is this any of your business?

It’s my business when she’s asking me to provide for her

Just say no. How hard is that? No you don't have the money. She can't steal it from you. Now if your dh wants to give it to her you need to talk to him about saying no.

Just was responding to PP

[Anonymous]

How did MIL spend FIL's money? It's their money. He likely benefitted from what she spent money on. Just tell them no when they come with their hands out but putting this all on MIL is ridiculous. And you are, stop trying to deny it. FIL knew what was going on. Things didn't just magically appear in the house .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did MIL spend FIL's money? It's their money. He likely benefitted from what she spent money on. Just tell them no when they come with their hands out but putting this all on MIL is ridiculous. And you are, stop trying to deny it. FIL knew what was going on. Things didn't just magically appear in the house .

+1

[Anonymous]

If your husband decides to give HIS money to help his parents out that will be ok, right? Or will it suddenly become OUR money in your house that you want some input on because when people are married there is really no his and hers anymore it's all one pot.

[Anonymous]

FIL keeps enabling her. Why does she still have access to their money.
They need intensive therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5k for 2 healthy people is easy.

But it's not going to pay for nursing care, so what they'll do is deplete their savings until they go to a Medicare facility.

I posted the above. OP, just put your foot down and say that you won't help them. They have enough. And right now, they truly do. When they get decrepit and need cleaners/cooks/nurse visits/aides, that's when the family will have hard decisions to make about possibly helping them pay for aides to come to their house, to stave off nursing homes. It will depend on what ails them and what sort of help you can hire. Nursing homes can be 10K a month (!), so you need to tell them Medicare might be the only option here. Your first priority should be your own retirement and your children's college costs. Right now I'm looking at $30 to 82K colleges for my rising senior ($30K for meh in-state option and $70K for his preferred reach college). Just throwing numbers out there so you can wrap your head around your own finances.

I also agree with the others that it's not cool to dump on your MIL just because of the "doesn't work/spent a lot" combo. Your FIL has agency too and he chose not to use it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5k for 2 healthy people is easy.

But it's not going to pay for nursing care, so what they'll do is deplete their savings until they go to a Medicare facility.

I posted the above. OP, just put your foot down and say that you won't help them. They have enough. And right now, they truly do. When they get decrepit and need cleaners/cooks/nurse visits/aides, that's when the family will have hard decisions to make about possibly helping them pay for aides to come to their house, to stave off nursing homes. It will depend on what ails them and what sort of help you can hire. Nursing homes can be 10K a month (!), so you need to tell them Medicare might be the only option here. Your first priority should be your own retirement and your children's college costs. Right now I'm looking at $30 to 82K colleges for my rising senior ($30K for meh in-state option and $70K for his preferred reach college). Just throwing numbers out there so you can wrap your head around your own finances.

I also agree with the others that it's not cool to dump on your MIL just because of the "doesn't work/spent a lot" combo. Your FIL has agency too and he chose not to use it.

They have two adult daughters that still live with them, so if they need help at home in the immediate future, the daughters can probably provide care. If they’re not helping their parents out, DH’s adult sisters should be paying rent to their parents. Your DH should not be financially supporting any of them right now.

You or your DH can help them find community resources for seniors, like lower cost housing and bankruptcy assistance, but save your money for a time they might really need a helping hand. Now is not that time.

Check with the Office on Aging in your parents’ community. aarp.org is also a good source of information for seniors.

You may want to post again in the Midlife forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:$5k a month is more than I make in a month.

Exactly. I don't see the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you blaming only one person? It’s not as if he didn’t know what wes going on.

I blame them both. But more her because she never worked so I would think she would at least know her financial status. I don’t know why she keeps spending so much.

My husband blames his dad for not keeping an eye on things himself.

Sounds like you resent her because she was a SAHM and you can't afford that with the money your husband makes.

Yeah, I'm sure OP resents not being like her MIL - lazy, unemployed, and flat a$$ broke with $500000 in credit card debt. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you blaming only one person? It’s not as if he didn’t know what wes going on.

I blame them both. But more her because she never worked so I would think she would at least know her financial status. I don’t know why she keeps spending so much.

My husband blames his dad for not keeping an eye on things himself.

How is this any of your business?

It’s my business when she’s asking me to provide for her

Indeed it sure as hell is. When someone asks you for thousands of dollars, it's your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did MIL spend FIL's money? It's their money. He likely benefitted from what she spent money on. Just tell them no when they come with their hands out but putting this all on MIL is ridiculous. And you are, stop trying to deny it. FIL knew what was going on. Things didn't just magically appear in the house .

He probably suggested she get a job, and she refused. At least he worked to try to pay some of the bills. What did MIL do? Nothing. Ask her child to pay.