at the end of my rope with my sister's bizarre, hurtful behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Let's not forget that psychopaths and sociopaths are "mentally ill." I don't care what your internal borders are, they are cunning enough to figure out ways around them.

Never forget there be evil and wicked people out there who are best avoided at all costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope she's not on DCUM. You put a lot of info in your post.

OP here. Honestly, I wish she was. Then she'd be reading my perspective without interrupting or clapping back with something she thinks is a great zinger.

Thank you for the commiseration. It's nice to realize I'm not in a unique situation. As far as cutting off communications, it's really a non-issue, as she lives 2 hours away and we never see each other unless it's a planned get together. I haven't seen her face to face probably since the 2020 winter holidays, and that was a socially distant outdoor visit. I'm thinking that I will go ahead and remove her DH from my social media, since my accounts are all private/friends-only, and just let it lie for now. If she reaches out like nothing's happened, I'm not planning to respond. Nothing good will come of it even in the best case scenario, and it's not like this is going to be the last time this happens.

I really my mom has some kind of codependence issue with her though, which makes it harder to disconnect, as my mom will be coming to me the next time my sister blows up at her. My mom's sticking point is that there are kids involved, and she doesn't want to lose contact with her grandchildren. My response to that is she has already lost real contact, since no doubt their mother tells them terrible things about their grandma. As for my relationship with them, I've resigned to just sending birthday cards and being a distant aunt until they're of age, and maybe then they will reach out or I will try to. I'm sure they will eventually figure out that their mom is not an accurate historian and at least wonder about the truth.

DH, our kids, and I go to regular therapy just for general mental health, but covid has greatly scaled back availability of appointments and I've let it slide. Time to get back on track with as well, it seems.

She's your mother's CHILD. Parents don't just cut off their children because when they grew up they turned out to be mentally ill.

You can't have it both ways, OP. Either your sister is mentally ill or she's not. You can't be pissed at her as if she's normal and respond to her as if she's a normal person doing crazy things, and also say she's ill.

THE WOMAN IS ILL. Show a bit of compassion for her.

It's possible to both feel compassion for her and have boundaries. It is perfectly okay for OP to back off her relationship right now.

[Anonymous]

No one is saying not to protect herself from abusive behavior. For example the back and forth predictably did not go well and drove the emotions higher. Gray rocking is a better technique for interacting.

I'd stay in touch with the kids. Having been a kid in that situation myself you have no idea what a lifeline extended family can be and what powerful role models of normal they are. Encouraging black and white and cutting off behavior without any nuance is much like OP's sister, no?

NAMI and Al Anon can help OP learn to have boundaries and realism about ill people that will be helpful both re: family members and others. Your kids may have inherited some degree of mood issues, OP, it would benefit you in many ways to become more educated on the topic and to learn to gray rock, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Clearly you have never been in OP’s situation. These types of people are not just toxic but destructive. They play the victim but they will do everything to spread misery around them. They are very difficult to treat and most of the time, they refuse treatment. Sadly, the only option for OP is cutting this destructive person out of her life.

Oh, that PP knows that situation well, I suspect because she herself is the mentally ill family member perpetrating the toxic, destructive, and likely abusive behavior. That is why she is arguing against cutting off abusive, mentally ill family members — she doesn’t want her victims to cut her off.

Such dramatic language. Actually, no. I have a mentally ill sister. She suffered so much in life, and instead of realizing how ill she was, I added to her burden by treating her like a b/tch or a normal person who just happened to be doing crazy things. There are so many ways I was heartless to her. I deeply regret not treating her with compassion. It's too late for us. I've been estranged from her for over 15 years. What a mistake. I was trying to help OP not go down that road.

Life is hell for the mentally ill. Normal, strong, mentally healthy people know how to draw boundaries without being martyrs to the mentally ill person's behavior. I wish I had known that. That's why I recommended getting advice from a professional for how OP could handle her mentally ill sister.

The PP above and the other PPs who misunderstood my motivations are clear examples of why you need a professional, OP -- don't rely on the advice of these armchair therapists. They're telling you more about themselves than they are about your relationship with your sister.

Again, I deeply, deeply regret treating my sister with the attitude you have, OP. It's too late for me and my sister but it's not too late for you. Be compassionate. She's ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Let's not forget that psychopaths and sociopaths are "mentally ill." I don't care what your internal borders are, they are cunning enough to figure out ways around them.

Never forget there be evil and wicked people out there who are best avoided at all costs.

You sound as dramatic as the sister.

There are also CHILDREN involved here. OP's sister lives hours away, OP needs to learn better ways to manage the minimal contact and perhaps keep a relationship alive with her neices/nephews and her children with their cousins while being aware of mental illness. The kids in the midst of the chaos could really benefit from external family support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Clearly you have never been in OP’s situation. These types of people are not just toxic but destructive. They play the victim but they will do everything to spread misery around them. They are very difficult to treat and most of the time, they refuse treatment. Sadly, the only option for OP is cutting this destructive person out of her life.

Oh, that PP knows that situation well, I suspect because she herself is the mentally ill family member perpetrating the toxic, destructive, and likely abusive behavior. That is why she is arguing against cutting off abusive, mentally ill family members — she doesn’t want her victims to cut her off.

NAMI and Al Anon can be great resources for you as well, PP. Perhaps you could get assistance in developing a plan to try to reestablish contact yourself?

Such dramatic language. Actually, no. I have a mentally ill sister. She suffered so much in life, and instead of realizing how ill she was, I added to her burden by treating her like a b/tch or a normal person who just happened to be doing crazy things. There are so many ways I was heartless to her. I deeply regret not treating her with compassion. It's too late for us. I've been estranged from her for over 15 years. What a mistake. I was trying to help OP not go down that road.

Life is hell for the mentally ill. Normal, strong, mentally healthy people know how to draw boundaries without being martyrs to the mentally ill person's behavior. I wish I had known that. That's why I recommended getting advice from a professional for how OP could handle her mentally ill sister.

The PP above and the other PPs who misunderstood my motivations are clear examples of why you need a professional, OP -- don't rely on the advice of these armchair therapists. They're telling you more about themselves than they are about your relationship with your sister.

Again, I deeply, deeply regret treating my sister with the attitude you have, OP. It's too late for me and my sister but it's not too late for you. Be compassionate. She's ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Let's not forget that psychopaths and sociopaths are "mentally ill." I don't care what your internal borders are, they are cunning enough to figure out ways around them.

Never forget there be evil and wicked people out there who are best avoided at all costs.

You sound as dramatic as the sister.

There are also CHILDREN involved here. OP's sister lives hours away, OP needs to learn better ways to manage the minimal contact and perhaps keep a relationship alive with her neices/nephews and her children with their cousins while being aware of mental illness. The kids in the midst of the chaos could really benefit from external family support.

Bull. The only thing OP needs to do is protect herself, her own children and her husband.

These kinds of people (mentally ill or not) have no problem with poisoning the minds of kids, even against their own parents. My sister did that TWICE and drove a wedge between several branches of the family because of it.

OP, do not think for one single moment that your sister hasn't thought about targeting your own kids for her next victims.

[Anonymous]

^ Messed up the quote but you could use this thread as motivation yourself, PP.

NAMI and Alanon/Alateen provide information and support re: mental illness and dysfunction, boundaries and how to set them with love. Peer to peer support from people living though the same experiences is quite powerful.

OP, your thread might be recast as "My Only Sister's Lifelong Mental Illness is Difficult to Deal With." Educating yourself can only help, esp if the genetics show up in your own kids or grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Clearly you have never been in OP’s situation. These types of people are not just toxic but destructive. They play the victim but they will do everything to spread misery around them. They are very difficult to treat and most of the time, they refuse treatment. Sadly, the only option for OP is cutting this destructive person out of her life.

Oh, that PP knows that situation well, I suspect because she herself is the mentally ill family member perpetrating the toxic, destructive, and likely abusive behavior. That is why she is arguing against cutting off abusive, mentally ill family members — she doesn’t want her victims to cut her off.

Such dramatic language. Actually, no. I have a mentally ill sister. She suffered so much in life, and instead of realizing how ill she was, I added to her burden by treating her like a b/tch or a normal person who just happened to be doing crazy things. There are so many ways I was heartless to her. I deeply regret not treating her with compassion. It's too late for us. I've been estranged from her for over 15 years. What a mistake. I was trying to help OP not go down that road.

Life is hell for the mentally ill. Normal, strong, mentally healthy people know how to draw boundaries without being martyrs to the mentally ill person's behavior. I wish I had known that. That's why I recommended getting advice from a professional for how OP could handle her mentally ill sister.

The PP above and the other PPs who misunderstood my motivations are clear examples of why you need a professional, OP -- don't rely on the advice of these armchair therapists. They're telling you more about themselves than they are about your relationship with your sister.

Again, I deeply, deeply regret treating my sister with the attitude you have, OP. It's too late for me and my sister but it's not too late for you. Be compassionate. She's ill.

Nice of you to lecture OP and others on how they need to stay in touch with and support the mentally ill while you conveniently do none of that yourself. What a hypocrite you are. Your regrets are meaningless. You just like to lecture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Clearly you have never been in OP’s situation. These types of people are not just toxic but destructive. They play the victim but they will do everything to spread misery around them. They are very difficult to treat and most of the time, they refuse treatment. Sadly, the only option for OP is cutting this destructive person out of her life.

Oh, that PP knows that situation well, I suspect because she herself is the mentally ill family member perpetrating the toxic, destructive, and likely abusive behavior. That is why she is arguing against cutting off abusive, mentally ill family members — she doesn’t want her victims to cut her off.

Such dramatic language. Actually, no. I have a mentally ill sister. She suffered so much in life, and instead of realizing how ill she was, I added to her burden by treating her like a b/tch or a normal person who just happened to be doing crazy things. There are so many ways I was heartless to her. I deeply regret not treating her with compassion. It's too late for us. I've been estranged from her for over 15 years. What a mistake. I was trying to help OP not go down that road.

Life is hell for the mentally ill. Normal, strong, mentally healthy people know how to draw boundaries without being martyrs to the mentally ill person's behavior. I wish I had known that. That's why I recommended getting advice from a professional for how OP could handle her mentally ill sister.

The PP above and the other PPs who misunderstood my motivations are clear examples of why you need a professional, OP -- don't rely on the advice of these armchair therapists. They're telling you more about themselves than they are about your relationship with your sister.

Again, I deeply, deeply regret treating my sister with the attitude you have, OP. It's too late for me and my sister but it's not too late for you. Be compassionate. She's ill.

Nice of you to lecture OP and others on how they need to stay in touch with and support the mentally ill while you conveniently do none of that yourself. What a hypocrite you are. Your regrets are meaningless. You just like to lecture.

Not sure what your connection is to this thread, but you are a bitter and mean spirited person.

[Anonymous]

Deciding to back off on contact (no dramatic cutting off, but slowly ending with an overall cessation of contact) is in fact “setting boundaries.” Nobody is recommending a dramatic flourish to cutting the sister off, just a careful and deliberate distancing. So I don’t get what the PP who has cut her own mentally ill sister off but who is lecturing others about how they should not do that is going on about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Clearly you have never been in OP’s situation. These types of people are not just toxic but destructive. They play the victim but they will do everything to spread misery around them. They are very difficult to treat and most of the time, they refuse treatment. Sadly, the only option for OP is cutting this destructive person out of her life.

Oh, that PP knows that situation well, I suspect because she herself is the mentally ill family member perpetrating the toxic, destructive, and likely abusive behavior. That is why she is arguing against cutting off abusive, mentally ill family members — she doesn’t want her victims to cut her off.

Such dramatic language. Actually, no. I have a mentally ill sister. She suffered so much in life, and instead of realizing how ill she was, I added to her burden by treating her like a b/tch or a normal person who just happened to be doing crazy things. There are so many ways I was heartless to her. I deeply regret not treating her with compassion. It's too late for us. I've been estranged from her for over 15 years. What a mistake. I was trying to help OP not go down that road.

Life is hell for the mentally ill. Normal, strong, mentally healthy people know how to draw boundaries without being martyrs to the mentally ill person's behavior. I wish I had known that. That's why I recommended getting advice from a professional for how OP could handle her mentally ill sister.

The PP above and the other PPs who misunderstood my motivations are clear examples of why you need a professional, OP -- don't rely on the advice of these armchair therapists. They're telling you more about themselves than they are about your relationship with your sister.

Again, I deeply, deeply regret treating my sister with the attitude you have, OP. It's too late for me and my sister but it's not too late for you. Be compassionate. She's ill.

Nice of you to lecture OP and others on how they need to stay in touch with and support the mentally ill while you conveniently do none of that yourself. What a hypocrite you are. Your regrets are meaningless. You just like to lecture.

Not sure what your connection is to this thread, but you are a bitter and mean spirited person.

The nasty hypocrite is unhappy at being seen for what she is, I think, and is now lashing out predictably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Let's not forget that psychopaths and sociopaths are "mentally ill." I don't care what your internal borders are, they are cunning enough to figure out ways around them.

Never forget there be evil and wicked people out there who are best avoided at all costs.

You sound as dramatic as the sister.

There are also CHILDREN involved here. OP's sister lives hours away, OP needs to learn better ways to manage the minimal contact and perhaps keep a relationship alive with her neices/nephews and her children with their cousins while being aware of mental illness. The kids in the midst of the chaos could really benefit from external family support.

Bull. The only thing OP needs to do is protect herself, her own children and her husband.

These kinds of people (mentally ill or not) have no problem with poisoning the minds of kids, even against their own parents. My sister did that TWICE and drove a wedge between several branches of the family because of it.

OP, do not think for one single moment that your sister hasn't thought about targeting your own kids for her next victims.

I am 15:49 and my relative has indeed targeted my children. One fell for it for a while (without telling me) and eventually figured out that there was something very wrong about the way this relative interacted with others. My other kids haven’t had much interaction with my relative because the eldest told them that she was not on the up and up.

But, yes, do watch out for your kids as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TLDR
Borderline personality disorder is my armchair diagnosis.

Totally agree with this. Classic behavior. Read a book called “Stop Walking on Eggshells”.

+1

My mom has it and is better with medication. It took me a long time to realize my sister has it, too.

OP—My take for now is that I back away slowly. It is very hard for me to engage at all and I know I don’t sound friendly and that she picks up on that. Anyway, I know abuse will come again and never know when that will be so I keep a distance and make other plans for the holidays.

It is dangerous for me to be around them because I worry about my own mental health when they are abusive. One is on meds and not bad now, but either one can start tearing into me without warning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Clearly you have never been in OP’s situation. These types of people are not just toxic but destructive. They play the victim but they will do everything to spread misery around them. They are very difficult to treat and most of the time, they refuse treatment. Sadly, the only option for OP is cutting this destructive person out of her life.

Oh, that PP knows that situation well, I suspect because she herself is the mentally ill family member perpetrating the toxic, destructive, and likely abusive behavior. That is why she is arguing against cutting off abusive, mentally ill family members — she doesn’t want her victims to cut her off.

Such dramatic language. Actually, no. I have a mentally ill sister. She suffered so much in life, and instead of realizing how ill she was, I added to her burden by treating her like a b/tch or a normal person who just happened to be doing crazy things. There are so many ways I was heartless to her. I deeply regret not treating her with compassion. It's too late for us. I've been estranged from her for over 15 years. What a mistake. I was trying to help OP not go down that road.

Life is hell for the mentally ill. Normal, strong, mentally healthy people know how to draw boundaries without being martyrs to the mentally ill person's behavior. I wish I had known that. That's why I recommended getting advice from a professional for how OP could handle her mentally ill sister.

The PP above and the other PPs who misunderstood my motivations are clear examples of why you need a professional, OP -- don't rely on the advice of these armchair therapists. They're telling you more about themselves than they are about your relationship with your sister.

Again, I deeply, deeply regret treating my sister with the attitude you have, OP. It's too late for me and my sister but it's not too late for you. Be compassionate. She's ill.

Nice of you to lecture OP and others on how they need to stay in touch with and support the mentally ill while you conveniently do none of that yourself. What a hypocrite you are. Your regrets are meaningless. You just like to lecture.

That, and she’s not taking into account that the sister’s abuse can have very negative effects on OP’s mental health. It doesn’t matter why someone is abusing you, abuse has negative effects. That’s like saying it’s okay for a depressed parent to abuse or neglect their child, they’re dealing with mental illness. Sometimes you have to back away from the toxic person to save yourself, even if it’s not their fault they’re toxic.