at the end of my rope with my sister's bizarre, hurtful behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope she's not on DCUM. You put a lot of info in your post.

OP here. Honestly, I wish she was. Then she'd be reading my perspective without interrupting or clapping back with something she thinks is a great zinger.

Thank you for the commiseration. It's nice to realize I'm not in a unique situation. As far as cutting off communications, it's really a non-issue, as she lives 2 hours away and we never see each other unless it's a planned get together. I haven't seen her face to face probably since the 2020 winter holidays, and that was a socially distant outdoor visit. I'm thinking that I will go ahead and remove her DH from my social media, since my accounts are all private/friends-only, and just let it lie for now. If she reaches out like nothing's happened, I'm not planning to respond. Nothing good will come of it even in the best case scenario, and it's not like this is going to be the last time this happens.

I really my mom has some kind of codependence issue with her though, which makes it harder to disconnect, as my mom will be coming to me the next time my sister blows up at her. My mom's sticking point is that there are kids involved, and she doesn't want to lose contact with her grandchildren. My response to that is she has already lost real contact, since no doubt their mother tells them terrible things about their grandma. As for my relationship with them, I've resigned to just sending birthday cards and being a distant aunt until they're of age, and maybe then they will reach out or I will try to. I'm sure they will eventually figure out that their mom is not an accurate historian and at least wonder about the truth.

DH, our kids, and I go to regular therapy just for general mental health, but covid has greatly scaled back availability of appointments and I've let it slide. Time to get back on track with as well, it seems.

[Anonymous]

All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope she's not on DCUM. You put a lot of info in your post.

OP here. Honestly, I wish she was. Then she'd be reading my perspective without interrupting or clapping back with something she thinks is a great zinger.

Thank you for the commiseration. It's nice to realize I'm not in a unique situation. As far as cutting off communications, it's really a non-issue, as she lives 2 hours away and we never see each other unless it's a planned get together. I haven't seen her face to face probably since the 2020 winter holidays, and that was a socially distant outdoor visit. I'm thinking that I will go ahead and remove her DH from my social media, since my accounts are all private/friends-only, and just let it lie for now. If she reaches out like nothing's happened, I'm not planning to respond. Nothing good will come of it even in the best case scenario, and it's not like this is going to be the last time this happens.

I really my mom has some kind of codependence issue with her though, which makes it harder to disconnect, as my mom will be coming to me the next time my sister blows up at her. My mom's sticking point is that there are kids involved, and she doesn't want to lose contact with her grandchildren. My response to that is she has already lost real contact, since no doubt their mother tells them terrible things about their grandma. As for my relationship with them, I've resigned to just sending birthday cards and being a distant aunt until they're of age, and maybe then they will reach out or I will try to. I'm sure they will eventually figure out that their mom is not an accurate historian and at least wonder about the truth.

DH, our kids, and I go to regular therapy just for general mental health, but covid has greatly scaled back availability of appointments and I've let it slide. Time to get back on track with as well, it seems.

Interesting wrap up...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope she's not on DCUM. You put a lot of info in your post.

OP here. Honestly, I wish she was. Then she'd be reading my perspective without interrupting or clapping back with something she thinks is a great zinger.

Thank you for the commiseration. It's nice to realize I'm not in a unique situation. As far as cutting off communications, it's really a non-issue, as she lives 2 hours away and we never see each other unless it's a planned get together. I haven't seen her face to face probably since the 2020 winter holidays, and that was a socially distant outdoor visit. I'm thinking that I will go ahead and remove her DH from my social media, since my accounts are all private/friends-only, and just let it lie for now. If she reaches out like nothing's happened, I'm not planning to respond. Nothing good will come of it even in the best case scenario, and it's not like this is going to be the last time this happens.

I really my mom has some kind of codependence issue with her though, which makes it harder to disconnect, as my mom will be coming to me the next time my sister blows up at her. My mom's sticking point is that there are kids involved, and she doesn't want to lose contact with her grandchildren. My response to that is she has already lost real contact, since no doubt their mother tells them terrible things about their grandma. As for my relationship with them, I've resigned to just sending birthday cards and being a distant aunt until they're of age, and maybe then they will reach out or I will try to. I'm sure they will eventually figure out that their mom is not an accurate historian and at least wonder about the truth.

DH, our kids, and I go to regular therapy just for general mental health, but covid has greatly scaled back availability of appointments and I've let it slide. Time to get back on track with as well, it seems.

She's your mother's CHILD. Parents don't just cut off their children because when they grew up they turned out to be mentally ill.

You can't have it both ways, OP. Either your sister is mentally ill or she's not. You can't be pissed at her as if she's normal and respond to her as if she's a normal person doing crazy things, and also say she's ill.

THE WOMAN IS ILL. Show a bit of compassion for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

You cut them off because they're toxic. It doesn't matter why theyre toxic, they're still toxic, and according to OP also have guns. Those are not traits I want in my life. I need to protect my own sanity and mental health, and that of my family too. The sister knows how to get help if she wants it. Cutting her off, distancing, or maintaining the status quo won't change anything about the sister's behavior unless she chooses to get help and make a change. In the meantime she's dragging everyone else down with her sinking ship. Totally ok for anyone to take a huge step back from that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

You cut them off because they're toxic. It doesn't matter why theyre toxic, they're still toxic, and according to OP also have guns. Those are not traits I want in my life. I need to protect my own sanity and mental health, and that of my family too. The sister knows how to get help if she wants it. Cutting her off, distancing, or maintaining the status quo won't change anything about the sister's behavior unless she chooses to get help and make a change. In the meantime she's dragging everyone else down with her sinking ship. Totally ok for anyone to take a huge step back from that!

You don't seem to understand what mental illness is.

[Anonymous]

Look into a NAMI support group for yourself and your mom.

She is likely not going to change and over time may get worse. I would NOT dramatically cut her off, that just feeds the dynamic. I would try to maintain some sort of contact with her kids if at all possible. They are going to be scarred for life with this childhood and may also have genetic susceptibility to mental illness.

The drama that has happened is not something the police or courts will respond to. I'm not sure your husband has the greatest instincts here either, thus NAMI, your new tribe. And, perhaps, Al Anon. Depending on the age of her kids, they could benefit from Alateen.

Best to all of you, OP. Be grateful that you and your kids seem to have not inherited the mental illness yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:TLDR
Borderline personality disorder is my armchair diagnosis.

Totally agree with this. Classic behavior. Read a book called “Stop Walking on Eggshells”.

+1 textbook.[/quote

+2 also my armchair diagnosis. I'm so sorry Op, it's incredibly difficult. I would also recommend therapy for yourself to help better understand personality disorders (she almost 100% has at least some form of personality disorder) and how to create boundaries for yourself and your family. It is very tough.

[Anonymous]

OP, completely understand. Same situation here with my sister.

She exhibits many of the same behaviors and more. She's a hoarder and extremely nasty to people out in public (like servers, clerks)

She cuts people off indiscriminately and will go years without talking to them. Did this to both of our parents and it broke their hearts. Did it to me and our other sibling, too. Now that our parents are gone she's got fewer targets and has been switching up between us siblings.

A couple of years ago she decided it was my turn. Out of nowhere she stopped communicating and I'm sure it was over some minor thing I did or said that she construed as unforgiveable. However this time was different. This time, I decided I had had enough.

I've had no contact with her and the one time she sent me an email around the holidays I didn't even read it - just deleted it.

Our lives are so much better without her in it. She was always trying to stir the pot and create problems between my DH and I. Saying things to him when I wasn't around, giving him her opinions. Acting like she was only trying to help and give advice, all the while she was like a sneaking snake.

FWIW people like this never change. My sister is in her 70s now and is still doing the same thing. Don't be like us and wait so long to cut the venom out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

You cut them off because they're toxic. It doesn't matter why theyre toxic, they're still toxic, and according to OP also have guns. Those are not traits I want in my life. I need to protect my own sanity and mental health, and that of my family too. The sister knows how to get help if she wants it. Cutting her off, distancing, or maintaining the status quo won't change anything about the sister's behavior unless she chooses to get help and make a change. In the meantime she's dragging everyone else down with her sinking ship. Totally ok for anyone to take a huge step back from that!

You don't seem to understand what mental illness is.

No, you don't. People who have dealt with people like OP's (and my) sister know exactly what it is and that's why we back away. It's toxic and draining and they're unpredictable and irrational. It takes a mental and emotional toll. Anyone who says different or thinks people need to suck it up and take the abuse haven't been there and have no right to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Clearly you have never been in OP’s situation. These types of people are not just toxic but destructive. They play the victim but they will do everything to spread misery around them. They are very difficult to treat and most of the time, they refuse treatment. Sadly, the only option for OP is cutting this destructive person out of her life.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the recent posters who want you to accept being abused because the abuser is mentally ill. There are DCUM posters (likely abusers themselves) who believe that if an abuser is mentally ill, you have to accept the abuse. It’s a sick point of view, probably from people who abuse others and want to continue that abuse. They post frequently on DCUM, but you should ignore them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

I have a relative who I think is probably mentally ill. Hard to say because they haven’t gone for treatment, as far as I know, and if they have, they have not shared their diagnosis with anyone.

The thing is, this relative can appear to be friendly and sociable to many people, but will be cruel to people they perceive as crossing them. I have received texts from this relative that are hurtful and spiteful. I don’t need or want that in my life.

I know the relative is deliberately thinking up terrible things to say in hopes of hurting me, I know they are lying, but I got tired of having to deal with the hurtful statements. I don’t believe the statements and I don’t take them to heart, but it does hurt in some respects that someone makes such awful statements to me and about me, so I decided to simply not deal with this person. I was bullied as a child by this person but I’m not going to allow myself to be bullied as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the posters saying, cut her off, shut the door, cut contact etc. -- this person is mentally ill. Why would you cut off someone mentally ill? They need help.

Talk to someone in the field who can help you deal with them. Learn to have internal borders, like, "This is my sister being mentally ill blah blah blah blah" when she's talking to you.

If a family can't have contact with a mentally ill family member, what's the rest of society supposed to do with them?

Clearly you have never been in OP’s situation. These types of people are not just toxic but destructive. They play the victim but they will do everything to spread misery around them. They are very difficult to treat and most of the time, they refuse treatment. Sadly, the only option for OP is cutting this destructive person out of her life.

Oh, that PP knows that situation well, I suspect because she herself is the mentally ill family member perpetrating the toxic, destructive, and likely abusive behavior. That is why she is arguing against cutting off abusive, mentally ill family members — she doesn’t want her victims to cut her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope she's not on DCUM. You put a lot of info in your post.

OP here. Honestly, I wish she was. Then she'd be reading my perspective without interrupting or clapping back with something she thinks is a great zinger.

Thank you for the commiseration. It's nice to realize I'm not in a unique situation. As far as cutting off communications, it's really a non-issue, as she lives 2 hours away and we never see each other unless it's a planned get together. I haven't seen her face to face probably since the 2020 winter holidays, and that was a socially distant outdoor visit. I'm thinking that I will go ahead and remove her DH from my social media, since my accounts are all private/friends-only, and just let it lie for now. If she reaches out like nothing's happened, I'm not planning to respond. Nothing good will come of it even in the best case scenario, and it's not like this is going to be the last time this happens.

I really my mom has some kind of codependence issue with her though, which makes it harder to disconnect, as my mom will be coming to me the next time my sister blows up at her. My mom's sticking point is that there are kids involved, and she doesn't want to lose contact with her grandchildren. My response to that is she has already lost real contact, since no doubt their mother tells them terrible things about their grandma. As for my relationship with them, I've resigned to just sending birthday cards and being a distant aunt until they're of age, and maybe then they will reach out or I will try to. I'm sure they will eventually figure out that their mom is not an accurate historian and at least wonder about the truth.

DH, our kids, and I go to regular therapy just for general mental health, but covid has greatly scaled back availability of appointments and I've let it slide. Time to get back on track with as well, it seems.

You can’t really control what your mom does. Just your own responses. I would keep sending cards and letters to the kids. Unfortunately the state won’t do anything to protect them, but them knowing someone is out there thinking of them is meaningful. As they get older, you can say things like “you are always welcome in our home” and stuff like that.